only so much “good fortune” to go around

The magnificent logistics of my reduced workload (lots of monies in exchange for few hours of work) was wonderful – and it was to be temporary.

I immediately began wondering how I could possibly continue to have such working conditions.

I realized that I wasn’t certain that I could imagine creating the same again.

Why was that?

Even my rational mind said, why wouldn’t your thinking be, that having done something once, you now have the template, so it would be easier to do it a second time?

Why would one success not give me confidence and lead me to believe that I could do it again?

Do I believe there’s only so much “good fortune” to go around and that I have had my share?

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like a crustacean that had shed its shell

Am I making progress here?

Yes, you are making progress.

We know that you are reviewing past mistakes, but those were lessons. They were painful in many ways, but they were lessons that you chose, or that you needed.

It is true that you have tended to create some precarious situations both financially and emotionally.

It is also true that these experiences are leading you deeper into yourself.

You are letting go of Self Pity.

You are learning to release mental anguish and pretense.

You are learning to release judgement or at least to be conscious of it when you have it.

These are major steps.

These major steps resulted in me beginning to feel uncomfortable in social situations.

Shortly after arriving at some gathering, I would feel like going home.

As it was winter time I told myself that if I left the cabin fire unattended for too long a period of time that the cabin temperature would be unbearable upon my return.

But I knew that it was more than that.

I had dropped many of my defenses and my pretenses and I had not yet put anything in their place.

I felt like a crustacean that had shed its shell.

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at least I was finally Journeying

One day I walked into a new friend’s apartment in a building across the street from a beach and I knew that I could very happily live in that setting.

I was shown an apartment that was custom made for me. It had hardwood floors and a view that encompassed the ocean, rocks, trees, sand, flowers and mountains in the distance. Amazing!

While I gazed at the view I “heard”: You are drawn to the water’s edge because it is where you feel happy and free because you are not boxed in.

You can see and feel the beauty of the universe, which allows your Spirit to soar. That view down the strait is a passageway – a Northwest passageway.

This reference to the direction of the passageway may have reflected the fact that I had joined a class on Native American teachings.

During the classes the facilitator would beat on a drum while the class lay on the floor and went on Journeys.

At first I was able only to lie on the floor and enjoy feeling the drumbeat through my body.

Then slowly I began to have glimpses of what going on a Journey was about.

My first glimpse was when we were to connect with our Animal Totem.

I giggled as I saw myself walking down a path with the A&W bear.

But at least I was finally Journeying, he was an animal and he did lead me to connect with a salmon and an eagle.

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AND she was reading my book

part of my “family assisting” consisted of meeting my 7 yr old grandson after school and then hanging out in the school park/playground where many parents/caregivers also hang out. over the past few weeks I have talked several times with a woman who shared that she loves to read.

a few days ago I mentioned that I had written a book. the woman asked what it was about. I said some personal experiences and “some conversations with someone out there“. The woman said (I thought excitedly) that she would like to read it.

so yesterday I took my proof copy of the book to the park with me. the woman was rushed that day and not staying at the playground. when I gave her the book she looked at the cover (which has an angel on it) and said (I thought rather offhandedly) “oh Thanks. I’m in the middle of another book right now so I’ll finish that one and then read this one”.

Later at home so many questions & doubts came up. Thoughts that I don’t really know this woman, don’t really know what kind of books she likes, don’t know if she’s into spirituality etc. doubts of what if she doesn’t like my book and I’ve kinda put her on the spot of having to say so. Yep a big bit of OMG what have I done.

Today the woman is rushing past me (looking for her kid in the crowd) but stopped long enough to say “I’m really loving your book” leaving me sitting there thinking so you started reading my book before you finished the other one. I guess you got past the angel on the cover.

A few minutes later I spotted the woman sitting on the other side of the playground AND she was reading my book.

Well if I had questions & doubts after giving her the book they were nothing compared to what I experienced today sitting there looking at her in the act of reading it.

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I was to write a Licensing exam . part 2

What’s up with me and this exam that I’m writing today?

You are releasing a control that says that writing this exam is necessary for you or for anyone. What does the exam prove for either those who choose to continue with this work or for you who are choosing not to continue?

Yet I sense to write the exam, not to just sit home.

Yes because by writing the exam you will learn something – possibly that you can pass the exam without studying, possibly that the material is totally irrelevant, possibly that you can now play with something that others take so seriously.

Following this conversation I called a cab to take me to the building where I was to write the exam, as I didn’t feel sufficiently grounded to deal with looking for parking, etc.

Once in the exam room, I read through the exam and I had the thought that I knew “about 80%” of the material.

So I wrote in my answers, handed in the papers and left the room in a bit of a daze, like I couldn’t believe what I had just done.

A few days later I opened my mailbox to see that the exam results had arrived.

I sat for a bit before opening the envelope asking myself what I wanted the results to say.

When I reached the point where I was OK either way pass or fail, I opened the envelope.

I had passed.

And guess what my score was?


Now, it’s true that this was not an unknown field for me. I had been working in it for 6 years.

Still, I find it significant that I had known that I knew “about 80%” and I scored 78%.

We really do know a lot.

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I was to write a Licensing exam . part 1

I was to write a Licensing exam, required to allow me to continue with my current career, should I choose.

The “problem” was that I just did not feel like studying.

I wondered if I was maybe removing a safety net – that if I failed the exam, I would not be able to return to my current career.

My heart reminded me that I did not want to continue with that line of work anyway.

My mind said that it would be a good idea to get licensed “just in case”.

The day before the exam, I opened the study text, and it was like my vision went right through the print, the words didn’t even register.

And the feeling of “Not Wanting To” came over me really strongly and it was like I remembered so many times, that I had made myself do something that I didn’t want to do.

And I put the study text away.

After that, I felt calm – like something had been decided and everything would be OK – either I would pass the exam or it wouldn’t matter.

I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to having a few anxious moments before I went to sleep that night.

The idea that I might wake in terror in the wee hours and do some frantic last minute “cramming” felt like a possibility.

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my previous comments had been erased from his Reality

My son emails about his new baby, his first child. He’s so excited, can’t believe he’s actually a dad etc.

At one point, he says he thinks the baby looks like him.

I look at the picture he has emailed of the baby and I think, does she? I totally forget, that I have never been “good” at seeing who babies look like.

So I ask, if his wife agrees.

He answers that everyone agrees.

Do I stop then?

No, I write back, well I can see yes to the forehead and the eyes, don’t know about the lower face.

Later, I’m walking along and I think, what was that about?

What came to me, was that it was about insecurity on my part. Thoughts of what kind of mother can’t tell whether this baby looks like her son did when he was a baby

After receiving the next batch of pictures I sent an email that said, “Have I mentioned that your daughter grows more beautiful in each picture, and since she looks like her dad, she will continue to do so”

And you know what?

The guy stepped right back onto his old Joyful Papa path.

It was like my previous comments had been erased from his Reality.

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only part of you is choosing it

I had returned to my home province

and accepted an offer to stay with a friend

in my old neighborhood by the beach.

One day as I was walking out the front door of my friend’s building

the manager was putting up a Vacancy sign for a studio suite.

I decided this would be a perfect temporary solution for me .

Then my old job became available.

While I had resistance to returning to the job

I also had fear about not taking it.

I decided to take the job

but it wasn’t long before

I was asking why I had chosen to do so.

You have chosen to return to this job

because it is the safest place for you

to embrace your next stage of growth.

If I’m choosing it

then why am I also resisting it?

Because only part of you is choosing it.

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“what I really want” has not been manifesting because …

I had rather forgotten about the whole issue of a possible talk with the VP as my son was visiting and we were doing family stuff.

My son left one morning and that evening I remembered the work thing and I thought, “Hey, I must have escaped that ordeal”.

Not so!

The next morning I got the “I need to see you for a few minutes” email from the VP.

Since the request was by email, I decided to take a smoke break before I responded.

I was amazed at the feelings that came up during this smoke break. I don’t want to do more accounts. Well, maybe I could do this much more. Maybe I could trade one of my smaller accounts for a larger one, etc. etc.

I even saw myself start the tape that said, “don’t you dare change things, I want things to stay just the way they are, until I have manifested what I really want”.

And then I remembered, that I had been seeing my job as temporary and wondering why “what I really want” had not been manifesting.


“what I really want” has not been manifesting because I have been holding onto “things staying just the way they are until….”

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give thanks to your human self

just before waking i had connected with a very, very tiny little figure in my belly. i thought / felt it’s a very, very tiny male human.

slowly this tiny figure and i built a relationship. We got to the “i only want to be with my beloved” feeling.

then i had the question of who is it that is feeling this love and remembered a quote of “give thanks to your human self” and i thought well who is it that would give thanks to my human self

at that moment i became very large and for a moment i felt my magnificence

and i am left with this wonderful question of hey wait a minute i’ve been looking at this in reverse. i’ve been looking at it from human eyes, human mind.

but when i get into observer mode then i am in I AM mode. only the I AM could give thanks to my human self or could love my human self.

with my morning ciggie i remembered that during my sleep experience after “i” had made a connection with the tiny male human figure i found in my belly i had the thought / feeling of ok i’ve had that experience almost like i can put a check mark beside that one.

and i realize that i have tended to have a checklist kind of mentality.

like i had this list of things i was to do or experience and almost a bit of let’s get these things done, experienced and get ourselves the hell out of here.

many times when my life started going well from the perspective of human comforts it was almost as though a part of me would say don’t get too comfortable, remember we’re not staying, this isn’t really our home.

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