oh-we-should-have-told-you

I decided to rent the cabin.

Once there, my newfound freedom from my previous responsibilities felt strange and somewhat confusing. No more alarm clock, no more job to show up to, very little housework just one linoleum floor that needed occasional sweeping.

Yes there were challenges, like the time I waited three days for the sun to thaw the hose that connected the cabin taps to the water main on the road.

But each morning as I rounded the corner from the bedroom to the living room, the view from the floor to ceiling windows took my breath away.

And there was lots of animal life. Seagulls and crows visited on the deck, sea otter and seals swam in the bay, deer wandered down to drink at the nearby stream. I felt like a kid in a playhouse.

There was time for romance, the demise of one of which was to have a dramatic effect on my life.

A friend and I were discussing what we considered to be appropriate behavior. I was defending my right to excuse myself from dinners being attended by people whose conversations I did not enjoy.

My friend asked if I thought that it was OK for people to choose not to listen to each other talk about certain issues.

I said “Yes I do. I think that we each have a responsibility to take care of ourselves. And that one of the ways we do this is by choosing what we allow ourselves to be exposed to.”

My friend then said “OK, I don’t want to listen to you talk about that man you used to be involved with.”

That conversation changed my life.

The friend who made this announcement was the person with whom I spoke the most frequently at that time. And now she was refusing to listen to me talk about the breakup of my romantic relationship.

When I no longer had the luxury of relating my tale of woe about what this man had done or not done, I was forced to find other things to talk about which meant other things to think about.

I began thinking of things that I had been too busy and perhaps too fearful to think about before.

I thought about how I, and others, had always considered me to be optimistic, yet now that I was becoming more conscious of my thoughts, I saw how my mind frequently went first to the possibility of the “worst case scenario”.

I think that previously I had appeared optimistic to myself and to others, because I had just skipped over these worse case scenario thoughts, ignoring that I was even having them.

During my newfound “thinking time” my daughter graduated from university and I thought of the parents of a friend of my daughter, who many times during my years as a single parent, had taken my daughter to their summer place for much of her school summer holidays. Only now was I realizing what a major factor that had been in both my life and my daughter’s life. I sat down and wrote a Thank You letter to these friends.

That one Thank You letter led me to remember many other people who had gone out of their way to help my children and I. It also led me to the realization that for many years I had been so focused on the people who had not helped me, that I had not fully appreciated the many people who had helped me.

Then the questions started.

Had my life in fact been rather easy and I had been an ungrateful complainer? Would I come to realize that I had been responsible for missing joy and happiness that I could have had?

In an attempt to answer these questions, I read possibly every Self Help and Personal Growth book that had ever been written.

for the past couple of years i have been fortifying my “feeling abundant” by no longer watching/checking as my groceries are being rung up.

i do whatever i feel like doing during that time and when the cashier announces the total i happily pay that amount.

earlier this week i stopped for a couple of packs of cigarettes and when the cashier announced the total my mind jumped in and said whaaaat that much for 2 packs of cigarettes.

so i double checked with the cashier who said oh i’m sorry i charged you for 3 packs.

then today i had a mirror image of that experience when i picked up a couple of small items at the hardware store.

when the cashier announced the total my mind jumped in and said whaaaat so little for those 2 items.

so i double checked with the cashier who said oh i’m sorry one item didn’t register.

and the really funny/weird thing is that my “overcharge” earlier in the week was almost to the penny the amount of my “undercharge” today.

there’s a cosmic wink in there somewhere

recently i’ve been engaged in several conversations about the idea of “speaking strongly on social media”

and my today’s thinking is

that it may serve for each of us to write without censoring ourselves.

gawd knows we have been censored enuf. even by ourselves. 

we need to say it like it is in our minds/hearts

realising we may change our mind/heard in the next second.

i seem to process things better if i write them out

and since i’m taking the time to write them out

why not do so publicly in case it helps someone else

inspires or triggers them in some way.

also a good exercise in us not taking things personally when we read what others have written.

as a society we have been both politically correct and easily offended to the point where nothing much gets resolved.

perhaps a bit more candor would help

i have long felt that i carried great grief over a past bereavement that involved a romantic relationship possibly a young family “death”. i wasn’t sure if this was an ancestral grief or a past-life grief of mine.

last evening i was doing a crossword puzzle and was reminded of another time when i was doing a crossword puzzle with a couple of others. that time carried some hurt and shame for me and my eyes started to fill.

for maybe the next 5-10 minutes i continued doing the puzzle while my eyes continued to fill.

when i finished the puzzle even tho it was not yet 9pm i tucked myself into bed and what a wild few hours i had.

my body was feeling all the sensations of grief including the fear that i might drown from the tears running down the back of my throat.

at the same time my mind was off in its own story. sure enuf a love story.

the grief in my body continued to build until i feared going into overwhelm which i chose not to do.

i remembered a friend once saying he asked to experience his lessons in a gentle fashion so i asked if i could experience my grief in a gentle fashion and my physical symptoms abated.

so now i’m sitting with my coffee and writing about my experience. i feel to clarify that i am not experienced with grief. i have tended to block my feelings previously.

i’ve been participating in a course designed to get us in touch with the wisdom of our ancestors. we have weekly zoom calls to share our experiences.

here’s what i shared today.
… during today’s call i told how i have been being shown how the energy or characteristics once held by my ancestors has become twisted or thwarted by the time it reached me. the example i gave was that where once my ancestor had stood tall and straight proud and confident in their courage by the time that energy reached me it had been twisted and perverted into arrogance and stubbornness.

after the call i was guided to some writing on “THE ENERGY OF THE FEET” and how many people do not stand on their own feet as sometimes, the energy of their feet has been stolen or forgotten in other planes of existence. the person is unable to receive the true essence and realization in the body.

behaviors that indicate not owning the energy of the true feet include “feeling threatened by standing on a clear position and avoiding feeling emotions” … each of which i have struggled with.

i did the included affirmation of “re-owning the energy of the feet”: giving back to others energy that was theirs and reclaiming energy that is mine.

later i had a nap from which i was awakened by pain and cramps in both of my feet. fortunately i remembered the sequence of today’s events that led up to this pain and cramping. i called on my circle to take the pain away. and it was gone !

i’m coming to see that i have been mis-naming the emotion associated with lingering memories that continue to be emotionally charged for me.

for example many years ago i became a single parent to 2 very young children. overnight my children & i went from being part of a 2 parent household with a stay-at-home mom to a household with an absent dad and a mom who had to return to full time work and who due to time, money and emotionally constraints was unable to give her children the time, attention and experiences that they needed and that i and they would have liked.

previously when i would be visited by these memories i would name the accompanying emotion as guilt. guilt for things that i had done and things that i had not done. now i’m coming to see that these memories also contain an element of grief. and perhaps as i allow the grief to come to the forefront then the guilt will dissipate

there’s a traffic lane outside our grocery store that i need to cross to get to the parking lot.

today as i was about to enter the crosswalk in the traffic lane a car pulled up and stopped preventing me from entering the crosswalk. my initial reaction was good gawd how inconsiderate.  

then the back door opened and a young male teen started getting out. the teen left the car door open and started walking towards the entrance to the store. i took a deep breath and started counting to 10  

when the teen reached the spot where i was standing with my shopping cart he handed me a sealed blue envelope like a birthday card. from the car i hear a woman’s voice say “no johnny put it in the mailbox”.

johnny looked beside me to an area that contained a planter, a garbage bin and the postal box with a confused look on his face. as he was about to put the envelope in the garbage bin the woman in the car said “no johnny put in the mail box”. i said “it’s the red one”.

by this time poor johnny was totally confused and the woman in the car was beginning to exhibit signs of not knowing what to do next saying “usually he can do it”.

i said to johnny “i’ll come with you”. so my shopping cart & i walked with johnny the 7/8 steps to the mailbox after which johnny practically ran to dive into the safety of the backseat of the car while his mother kept apologizing saying usually he can do it. i said it’s ok.

as johnny and his mother drove off and i entered the crosswalk a woman walking toward me said “that was kind of you”. and i thought how 2/3 minutes ago i had thought good gawd at what felt like thoughtless behavior. and yet here we were just those few minutes later 3 mothers supporting each other in kindness. and the amazing thing was no other traffic entered that traffic lane during our interaction. 

yesterday i was given the words “the shadow side of giving”.

upon reflection i’m discovering some rather disturbing things

in regards to why i find it easier to give than to receive.

giving gives me a sense of security because i feel i have more than i need

i have enough to share.

it also gives me a bit of superiority

because i must be better/smarter etc than the one i’m giving to.

off to reflect further.

previously I would become aware that I was waking from sleep

and then allow my mind to snap me into reality by saying you’re awake, get on with your day.

Now there seems to be quite a space of time where I’m aware that I’m waking

but I tend to delay the 3D thought of I’m awake. the time when my mind / brain engages.

And during this delay it’s like I’m aware of / observing a discussion – feels like maybe several Aspects reporting on their experiences / insights during my sleep.

I don’t usually remember much of what was said.

After several minutes the discussion feels complete like I’ve collected myself – or parts of myself.

The night before I first experienced this I asked to remember what I had been up during my sleep time.

Maybe that asking prompted various parts of myself to “report in” as I was waking.