a couple of days ago i was witnessing an intense discussion
when one of the participants pulled out what i felt to be “the victim card”
at which point i stopped witnessing and scrolled on (the discussion was on fb).
in my sleep just now i was retrieving childhood memories
and what did i come up against – an “anti-victim claiming” part
that had to do with the emotional neglect of my childhood
which i was refusing to acknowledge.
my day started off with lots of anger releasing from my system
and me eating everything in sight.
i did some “beditating” and integrated one very pissed off rageful aspect.
last night i was feeling into patriarchy and remembered “as without so within”
and i realised that my masculine energy had been oppressing & suppressing my feminine energy.
the rageful aspect i integrated may be a reflection of that.
not sure which energy was rageful.
the feminine for having been oppressed + suppressed
or the masculine because the feminine was shaking off the shackles
i’m discovering that my shadow also includes some so-called “positive” traits.
i was an exuberant, feisty, carefree 3-5 year old who gave up these traits
because they made the adults in my world uncomfortable.
so i adopted more serious and responsible traits.
same with my self-confidence and “being full of myself” as my mother used to say
and which the adults around me considered to be arrogance, vanity and pride.
shadow work is helping me uncover my exuberant, carefree, confident self.
recently i was able to access the part of myself who had all of these traits i had given up.
then i felt them fading away and i realised i had difficulty objecting to the fading away.
i felt regressed to the age where todders say “mine”.
even then i was able to say “mine” with only about 75% of the strength which i would like,
but i’m happy to have accessed this part and reclaimed 75% of “mine”
as the facilitator read the list of emotions which grief contains, each and every one on the list registered in my body, tho each felt slightly different. when i heard the last emotion of hopelessness it was as tho all of the previous emotions came together and merged into one glob called hopelessness.
when i asked hopelessness what she wanted to express, she seemed to cover many of the emotions on the list by saying “i don’t know why or how you continue. what do you hope to accomplish? don’t you know that we have tried everything before and it didn’t work out. why do you expect a different result this time. so that that you feel superior or special? you aren’t you know. we were just as smart and as capable as you. who do you think you are? we are just trying to protect you by not getting your hopes up, not wasting your life.
while hopelessness’s words sound a bit harsh as i type them, when she spoke i actually felt her love which brought a smile to my face.
later, i had a brief visit with hopelessness and she said that the reason that each of the emotions merged into one glob called hopelessness, is that whenever an ancestor felt sad, hopelessness magnified the sadness as a way to protect the ancestor from pursuing further personal or spiritual growth.
hopelessness says she is now helping me by encouraging a balance between my expanding body awareness and expanding awareness of my beliefs. as my body feels more and my mind fears more, hopelessness now monitors bringing balance.
i’m discovering that my shadow also includes some so-called “positive” traits.
i was an exuberant, feisty, carefree 3-5 year old who gave up these traits because they made the adults in my world uncomfortable. so i adopted more serious and responsible traits.
same with my self-confidence and “being full of myself” as my mother used to say and which the adults around me considered to be arrogrance, vanity and pride.
shadow work is helping me uncover my exuberant, carefree, confident self.
after decades of living in denial and running to new jobs, cities and relationships, 10 years ago i began to more and more cut off from myself until a couple of years later i was totally isolated.
that’s when i “heard” a message saying “stay put”. it appeared at first like i was to “stay put” geographically as my attempts to run repeatedly failed. Then i realised “stay put” also meant to face myself which i did for 5 years reading, journalling and watching videos and webinars. eventually i joined fb groups and webinars sometimes even braving video participation.
then a couple of years ago my higher self arranged a geographical move. this time to shared accommodation which has forced/allowed me to observe my behavior in relation to others. i feel like i’m dealing with an adolescent self who doesn’t understand how “real life” works. i have come to realise that i grew up with the trauma of emotional neglect which has only recently been acknowleged as a form of trauma so wasn’t covered in my years of counselling or self-help exploration.
as i was typing i had a realisation. my inner child is the one who never grew up, doesn’t feel confident in knowing “how the real world works”. she has been constantly overruled by my adult self who has required of her that she become serious rather than playful and do “work” and not “play” which feels like she was required to do things that her heart wasn’t in.
and my adult self lied to her telling her that someday she would be able to play, that she wouldn’t have to work “for ever”. but to a child years seem for ever. i thought i would be writing that i have to forgive my adult self and possibly i do for her lying tho i also need to thank her for keeping us safe.
a couple of weeks ago i took part in a guided visualisation during which i resonated with what was referred to as a “MEDICINE WOMAN WOUND” especially the wound symptom of holding ourself back from sharing our wisdom because of a fear of misleading others.
as the visualisation progressed i made the connection that i was holding myself back from sharing my love due to the same fear of misleading others. i was shown a scene in which a young maiden was standing beside her father who appeared to be the leader of a small village or tribe. the maiden’s father had just been given an ultimatium by a horse mounted male authority which had to do with the male thinking the maiden had shown affection to the male and had arrived to claim the maiden for himself otherwise he would wreak havoc on the village/tribe. i sensed the maiden felt she had just been friendly same as she was friendly to members of her village but the authoritive male who was unaccoustomed to general friendliness had been mislead to believing that the maiden’s friendliness was directed at him personally.
at the same time i sensed there was a young male in the village/tribe that had been courting the maiden who was receptive to this courting. yet here was this authoritarian male come to claim the maiden for himself or he would wreak havoc on the village/tribe. and the maiden’s father said the decision of what to do was left up to the maiden. she could voluntarily agree to go off with this authoritarian male or have havoc wreaked upon her village/tribe. i wasn’t shown what decision the maiden made.
A friend of mine was surprised to find her people-pleasing “part” was draining her and did not have her best interests in mind, was in fact sacrificing her. this revelation led me to think about a “part” of mine which is/was not so much into people-pleasing but is/was into placing the well-being of others before the well-being of myself. this part felt i could not be happy or successful until others were happy & successful. i needed to help others become happy & successful before i could turn my energy & resources towards my own happiness & success. further exploration revealed i did this not only out of guilt and as a distraction from facing my own wants & needs but also because it served as a kind of false superiority allowing me to believe that i had something that others didn’t and that others needed. oh how arrogant. i was using “putting others first” as a way to feed my own ego. caring for others first allowed me to feel both responsible and resentful. feeling responsible led to me feeling capable which led to the arrogance. and so much effort required led to me feeling resentful because others were not progressing in the manner or at the speed that i wanted. so i blamed them for not having time or energy to meet my own wants & needs. hell after some time i forgot what my wants WERE. so many themes & emotions tied up in just one behavior /characteristic. wow.
My changed financial situation meant that it was time to say
Goodbye to the Cabin which led to the following poem:
Cabin you’ve been good for me
You’ve helped me listen, you’ve helped me see
Things out there beyond the walls
Walls of yours and walls of mine
Walls that frame us in space and time
You were old and I was new
Together we saw each other through
Sunny days and long cold nights
Star filled skies and Northern Lights
The rainbows came and then the swan
Frequently I was awake at dawn
Eager to see what each day would bring
Thrilled to hear the little birds sing
I’ve really enjoyed my time with you
I laughed, I cried, I danced, I grew
I’ll always remember your loving embrace
Though another home may take your place
We’ll each go on to other people and things
Remembering each other whatever life brings.
I learned that the investment in which I had placed the proceeds from the sale of my home had failed and that I therefore, basically had no money.
What am I to do about supporting myself financially?
Focus on remembering your dreams, while also taking action steps.
Do something if you are seriously playing this game.
This Game?
This Game of Life.
I have been reading about Putting out Intentions. Should I be doing this?
If you choose.
OK I will put out an Intention that I will receive some cash.
You can put out that Intention, but do you believe it?
I believe, that since I lost some money in a bad investment, that there’s some of “my cash” out there, so it would be Ok for me to ask for it back.
What if there was not any of “your cash” out there, would it still be OK to ask for some?
You find that question more difficult do you not?
Overcoming a sense of not deserving is really hard.
There is enough for everyone, so you can receive everything you want.
There are resources out there that you are not even aware of, so maintain faith.
Set your Intention on creating a life that incorporates all of the things that are important to you.
At the same time, intend that you will allow as much of your old stuff as possible to clear.
This is how you create a balanced life.
Why do I have so much trouble coming up with the answers as to what I want?
Time and money.
You tell yourself that you do not have enough of either and so you hold yourself back from even thinking about doing things or of having things.
You have blocked yourself from admitting what you want.
You have held yourself back from enjoying life.
How do I change this?
You start believing that you deserve to have good things happen in your life.
Ask us for help. We can only help you when you ask.
Thank You that many of the things that I ask for have been working out.
But you ask for so little. We can help you even more if you ask.
Many of the previous things that you have asked for and received could be considered small things by some people’s standards. Yet they are miracles.
And miracles are miracles. Once you begin shopping in the Store of Miracles, you are at least in the right store.
Also remain aware of situations. Attracting situations is a part of manifesting, so you do not always need to be directing the movie, especially in the early stages when you are still learning. It is true that the clearer you are, the clearer will be the situations that you attract.
What part am I to play in all of this?
You need only to get clear about what it is that you want and very clear that you deserve it.
Trust that you will be provided for, not necessarily taken care of, but provided for.
If you desire a job, one will be provided for you.
Would a job interfere with my time with you guys?
Only if you allow it. If you set this time with us as a priority, it will be provided.
Your Belief Systems are like computers. They rely on what you feed into them.
oh-we-should-have-told-you 