I had now spent enough time by myself, to have allowed my mental dialogue to quiet to the point where I could actually hear both sides of this dialogue. It was like one part of my mind was talking to another part of my mind.
Slowly, this listening to both sides of my mental dialogue and my Journal writing started to blend. I would write a question, like “What am I to do next?” and then write the response that came to me. Many of these responses surprised me.
Some people might question where these responses were coming from. I chose not to question, just to listen and to write. Some of these “conversations” went like this:
I feel like I’m reaching deep inside of myself for something.
You are reaching inside of yourself for Clarity.
Clarity about what?
What about myself?
That you have forgotten how to be happy and joyful and trusting.
How do I get that back?
By remembering to laugh and to play. And to clean up your life.
What does that mean to clean up my life?
It means that you are carrying pain and anger in your body. That needs to be released.
How do I do that?
You know how to do that. Move around, cry, shout, laugh.
What is the significance of the double numbers (11:11 and 12:12) that I seem to see frequently on the clock and that I feel I respond to?
They are reminders for you
Reminders of what?
Reminders that you are connected to us. That we are here for you. That we have messages for you.
Can you tell me what the messages are?
That we love you. That we want what is best for you. That we are offering you encouragement.
Also to remind you to listen for the Messages. And to ask for the messages.
I am finding this whole process rather confusing.
We are pleased that you are beginning to learn to sit through your confusion, without rushing off to look for answers from others. Yes, you are still searching for answers in books, but in books we can guide you to certain ideas. With other people, their script may interfere with yours and you may not be able to discern that in a way that is healthy.
Why am I thinking of releasing the computer that my friend gave me, when I have never even hooked it up?
Because it is electronic.
It is important at the moment, for you to have direct hands on experience, like writing with a pen as it is in the physical writing that we are best able to communicate with you.
Am I making progress here?
Yes, you are making progress. We know that you are reviewing past mistakes, but those were lessons. They were painful in many ways, but they were lessons that you chose, or that you needed. It is true that you have tended to create some
precarious situations both financially and emotionally. It is also true that these experiences are leading you deeper into yourself. You are letting go of Self Pity. You are learning to release mental anguish and pretense. You are learning to release judgment or at least to be conscious of it when you have it. These are major steps.
These major steps resulted in me beginning to feel uncomfortable in social situations. Shortly after arriving at some gathering, I would feel like going home. As it was winter time I told myself that if I left the cabin fire unattended for too long a period of time that the cabin temperature would be unbearable upon my return. But I knew that it was more than that. I had dropped many of my defenses and my pretenses and I had not yet put anything in their place. I felt like a crustacean that had shed its shell.