i’m coming to see that i have been mis-naming the emotion associated with lingering memories that continue to be emotionally charged for me.
for example many years ago i became a single parent to 2 very young children. overnight my children & i went from being part of a 2 parent household with a stay-at-home mom to a household with an absent dad and a mom who had to return to full time work and who due to time, money and emotionally constraints was unable to give her children the time, attention and experiences that they needed and that i and they would have liked.
previously when i would be visited by these memories i would name the accompanying emotion as guilt. guilt for things that i had done and things that i had not done. now i’m coming to see that these memories also contain an element of grief. and perhaps as i allow the grief to come to the forefront then the guilt will dissipate
there’s a traffic lane outside our grocery store that i need to cross to get to the parking lot.
today as i was about to enter the crosswalk in the traffic lane a car pulled up and stopped preventing me from entering the crosswalk. my initial reaction was good gawd how inconsiderate.
then the back door opened and a young male teen started getting out. the teen left the car door open and started walking towards the entrance to the store. i took a deep breath and started counting to 10
when the teen reached the spot where i was standing with my shopping cart he handed me a sealed blue envelope like a birthday card. from the car i hear a woman’s voice say “no johnny put it in the mailbox”.
johnny looked beside me to an area that contained a planter, a garbage bin and the postal box with a confused look on his face. as he was about to put the envelope in the garbage bin the woman in the car said “no johnny put in the mail box”. i said “it’s the red one”.
by this time poor johnny was totally confused and the woman in the car was beginning to exhibit signs of not knowing what to do next saying “usually he can do it”.
i said to johnny “i’ll come with you”. so my shopping cart & i walked with johnny the 7/8 steps to the mailbox after which johnny practically ran to dive into the safety of the backseat of the car while his mother kept apologizing saying usually he can do it. i said it’s ok.
as johnny and his mother drove off and i entered the crosswalk a woman walking toward me said “that was kind of you”. and i thought how 2/3 minutes ago i had thought good gawd at what felt like thoughtless behavior. and yet here we were just those few minutes later 3 mothers supporting each other in kindness. and the amazing thing was no other traffic entered that traffic lane during our interaction.
yesterday i was given the words “the shadow side of giving”.
upon reflection i’m discovering some rather disturbing things
in regards to why i find it easier to give than to receive.
giving gives me a sense of security because i feel i have more than i need
i have enough to share.
it also gives me a bit of superiority
because i must be better/smarter etc than the one i’m giving to.
off to reflect further.
previously I would become aware that I was waking from sleep
and then allow my mind to snap me into reality by saying you’re awake, get on with your day.
Now there seems to be quite a space of time where I’m aware that I’m waking
but I tend to delay the 3D thought of I’m awake. the time when my mind / brain engages.
And during this delay it’s like I’m aware of / observing a discussion – feels like maybe several Aspects reporting on their experiences / insights during my sleep.
I don’t usually remember much of what was said.
After several minutes the discussion feels complete like I’ve collected myself – or parts of myself.
The night before I first experienced this I asked to remember what I had been up during my sleep time.
Maybe that asking prompted various parts of myself to “report in” as I was waking.
While I had begun to realize that my days at my current job were numbered, I hadn’t reached a decision about when I might leave.
Apparently Spirit had!
My son and his Japanese fiancé were awaiting my daughter’s wedding in Canada before heading off to Japan.
Several family members were gathered at my daughter’s house. Discussion had led to the suggestion that following my daughter’s wedding, family members could travel to Japan (courtesy of my children’s father who was an airline employee) and have my son’s wedding there.
While this plan excited everyone involved, I knew that if I were to be away from my desk for the required 3 consecutive weeks, that I would not be able to make myself return to face my work backlog.
As I was driving away from my daughter’s house, I became aware of a vision of a train speeding along beside my car. I sensed that I was being asked if I intended to get on this train.
I also sensed that I was being informed that if I did get on, that neither I nor my life would ever be the same.
I spent a restless night.
The next morning I remembered that the company I was working for, asked employees to give thirty days notice when they were leaving.
I counted the days until my time off for my daughter’s wedding…thirty!
Then I almost burst out laughing as I realized that I already had an appointment that day, with the person to whom I would need to give my notice.
It seemed preordained.
i woke feeling “dry”. different than having a dry mouth or feeling dehydrated.
more like my body fluids were low or had been drained.
and my heart too didn’t feel warm and flowing.
took several minutes of sitting outside before i felt back to normal balance.
now wondering if i unearthed a memory of having been embalmed.
The methods of embalming that the ancient Egyptians used is called mummification.
the Egyptians removed all moisture from the body,
leaving only a dried form that would not easily decay. Aha !
i just thought of the possible implications of this.
if my consciousness remembers being embalmed
and we are now accessing more of our consciousness
or bringing more of it into our physical body
then no wonder we have friggin nightmares !
oct 4, 2018 memory ….
i’m sitting outside enjoying a pre-dawn smoke
when i hear the rustling of dried arbutus leaves off to the side of my patio.
oh probably that big buck that wandered past couple of years ago.
funny i haven’t seen him since.
then the rustling of leaves gets louder and takes on a thrashing tone. hmmm.
the noise is just outside of the illumination provided by my outdoor light
so i reach inside for my flashlight.
and i see it’s 2 young bucks doing some head butting / bashing
which they continue even with my flashlight beaming into their eyes.
i take my eyes off them briefly to retrieve my coffee
and glance up to see them running off.
one young buck chasing the other.