oh-we-should-have-told-you

lately i’ve been thinking about testimonials on manifestation sites.

testimonials that proclaim things like … after 20 years i finally found the perfect relationship, perfect job, perfect health, perfect life.

and not infrequently these testimonials go on to lament previous time & money spent on other courses or teachings, and viewing these as having been a waste of time and money.

i don’t think that the previous courses & teachings were a waste of time or money.

they were the necessary steps to chip away the pieces, so we could be a perfect fit for the course or program, that we finally found to be our perfect fit.

in my sleep i met up with my part, that convinces me that i don’t deserve what i want.

she was like a tree branch stuck in the riverbank. a bit ugly but not overly frightening.

she told me i didn’t deserve things i wanted because of horrible things i had done.

and i accepted that. even tho there was no mention of what those horrible things were.

this morning i thought oh wow this relates to my 6 yr old self fearing that she would blow apart her family, if she pursued what she wanted.

i created my “you don’t deserve” part to help me, not pursue what i wanted.

“you don’t deserve aspect’s” taunt of “you don’t deserve because of heinous things you have done” is a LIE.

something she & i made up to keep me from choosing what i want and believing i deserved it

I don’t usually do well with “guided” exercises, but during a workshop exercise whose purpose was to help us experience how we had each been both abused and abuser, I dropped into my gut so quickly I could hardly believe it.

As the exercise continued, I became aware of myself as a young girl maybe 7 or 8 years old standing on a path. I was being asked to continue down this path. I turned to look over my shoulder to tell some people behind me that I didn’t want to do this, that I couldn’t do this. At that point, I felt firm hands on my shoulders and someone saying Yes you can and also gentle arms around me saying I will help you.

As I began walking I saw that at the bottom of the path, there was a large open grave with naked bodies just thrown on top of each other. I approached this mass grave and stood looking at the bodies. For the next few minutes, I alternated between feeling repulsed to the point of being nauseous and a feeling of calmness and strength, back and forth like something was being balanced.

An amazing time has followed the workshop. I left my job with very seductive sweet, sweet logistics (high pay in proportion to short hours) and cleared off a long, long drawn out emotional entanglement which had also once held sweet, sweet logistics (abundant life style and lots of play time). But in each case the price was too high, my heart was not in either the job or the relationship.

memory from (june 2, 2013)

soon it will be 48 hours since i arrived at my “summer place”

…. a few notes re that experience …..

I had a beautiful trip here. (tho no dolphins during the ferry ride this time)

arrived at my new digs to find that the previous tenant had done some furniture re-arranging and cleared out the outside sitting area. each major improvements !

but the place is filthy (even by MY standards ) and nothing has been taken care of !!!

in my first few hours here I have unplugged the bathroom sink, got the oven operating by replacing the fuses and currently have the burner drip-pans soaking to remove the burned- on tin foil !

in between these chores I sit outside and revel in the absolute beauty.

I’m thinking that the suite sensed my comparison of inside and outside

and showed her hurt by locking me out this morning when I went for my first smoke.

I had closed the door not realizing it was one of those passage locks or whatever they’re called.

so there I was at 5:30 in the morning locked out of my place. fortunately I had my first morning coffee with me.

several cigarettes and a couple of pees in the bushes later,

the guys upstairs woke and one of them was able to open the kitchen window.

GRATEFUL !

the previous tenant also left a few planters some of which are empty so soon i’ll be able to get to my gardening.

the grocery store is working well. I have experienced really good veggie salad and chilli. woohoo !

I haven’t yet organized stuff to cook as there are no cooking things here that I would use.

the grocery store was able to provide a new frying pan and an aluminum foil tray that will be ok for oven use.

so I can soon start to cook.

especially once I defrost the freezer which is one-half the size it is supposed to be. the other half being occupied by frost !!

HOWEVER the outside is absolutely stunning especially now that I am able to sit out there.

not really good for sun-bathing but I think I can fix-up something up by where I park my car.

there may be stuff that i’m forgetting but life has been FULL !

i woke thinking about how some people in the spiritual community have been replacing the term higher self with highest self

in my opinion, these terms imply 2 different meanings

higher self is a part of us, part of our multi-dimensional being. maybe our connection to source

whereas, highest self is a version of us, maybe a version of our ego personality

I learned that the investment in which I had placed the
proceeds from the sale of my home, had failed and that I
therefore, basically had no money.
What am I to do about supporting myself financially?
Focus on remembering your dreams, while also taking action
steps. Do something if you are seriously playing this game.
This Game?
This Game of Life.
I have been reading about Putting out Intentions. Should I be
doing this?
If you choose.
OK I will put out an Intention that I will receive some cash.
You can put out that Intention, but do you believe it?
I believe, that since I lost some money in a bad investment,
that there’s some of “my cash” out there, so it would be Ok for
me to ask for it back.
What if there was not any of “your cash” out there, would it
still be OK to ask for some? You find that question more
difficult do you not?
Overcoming a sense of not deserving is really hard.
There is enough for everyone, so you can receive everything
you want.
There are resources out there that you are not even aware of,
so maintain faith.
Set your Intention on creating a life, that incorporates all of
the things that are important to you.
At the same time, intend that you will allow as much of your
old stuff as possible to clear.
This is how you create a balanced life.
.

I live in an apartment building where the laundry room has
two washers and two dryers. I had gone down to do a load of
laundry. When I opened the laundry room door I saw several
piles of clothes on the tables beside the machines and I could
hear a dryer running. I decided to leave my load of laundry
and come back later.
As I was putting my laundry on the table next to the
washers, I noticed a “machine broken” sign.
Ah – one washer is broken and the clothes on that table were
in the washer when it broke.
Ah – and the second washer is actually available.
Then I checked the 2 piles by the dryer.
Ah – they’re each already dry. I looked closely at the dryers
and I saw that only one dryer was running and the other one
was empty.
So actually, in the midst of all of that chaos, there was one
washer and one dryer available for my one load of laundry.
That possibility had never entered my mind when I first opened
the Laundry Room door. In fact I wasn’t able to let the
possibility in, until I had decided to “put down my own load.”

i’ve always been afraid of grief, afraid that if i let myself cry, i wouldn’t be able to stop crying.

i dredged up a memory of being 3 years old and witnessing my parents dealing with the situation, where a friend of my father had drowned when the 2 men were fishing.

i remember my parents, neighbors and the police, standing in the kitchen of our farmhouse, dealing with practical issues/logistics, like who to contact,

while the wife of the drowned man, sat alone in the next room wailing, with her son in her lap.

it caused confusion in me.

Because my survival depended on family loyalty, it made me fearful of emotions.

that’s where i learned to fear grief.