my attitude towards authority

recently i unearthed a memory from my days as an elementary school student. we children played softball on a part of the school grounds that was bordered by a street with no fence in between.

one day a student chased the ball into the street. i can’t remember if the child was hit by a car or only the possibility presented itself. what i do remember is that the principal reacted by declaring that henceforth any student who chased a ball onto the street would be strapped.

when my father heard this he told my brothers & i that he hoped we would not be foolish enough to chase a ball onto the street, but in the event that we did so, we were to refuse to be strapped. we were to tell the principal to call my father who would say that we were not to be strapped for the misjudgement of a child.

i had forgotten that incident but i’m curious to unearth how that incident may have influenced my attitude towards authority later in my life.

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as long as she suffered more

i once had a job that involved working with a council looking after an apartment complex. one woman on the council was a real pain to work with and both the other council members and myself wished she’d just leave.

but no she stayed and there came a time when she overstepped her boundaries and got herself in hot water which brought me a certain amount of glee 🙂 and i allowed myself to enjoy her suffering for a time even tho i could have fixed the problem.

and then one morning i woke up and realised her being in hot water was also increasing my work load as i was the person in charge. the person who needed to act as go-between and record all interactions.

and i just about chocked on my morning coffee to realise that i had been prepared to work harder/suffer as long as she suffered more.

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one part of me apologising to another part of me

lately i’ve been visiting a phase in my youth when i allowed myself to enjoy some outrageous behaviour 🙂

as scenes from that time came into my awareness i would think omg poor guy in reference to my partner at the time and omg my poor parents.

then one day i became aware that there is/was a part of me that had also been embarrassed by some of my outrageous behavior. well now 🙂

and i had the idea to apologise to the embarrassed part of myself. which i did.

and the part i apologised to was most receptive to my apology. and i got quite emotional witnessing one part of me apologising to another part of me.

what a journey we’re on. ❤

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Universe you’ve been good to me

You’ve helped me listen, you’ve helped me see

Life’s a blessing that’s for sure

Though it’s sometimes difficult to see the cure

To life’s worries and life’s woes

But how we meet them that’s the test

We do our part, you do the rest

We need to believe, open to receive

Help each other, learn to care

Come from the heart, whatever the scene

Say where we’re going, say where we’ve been

You’re here to help us, whatever our state

There’s always time, it’s never too late

To enjoy your beauty, receive your abundance

Know that we’re loved, there’s no redundance

We wake each day to view your glory

We’re loved, we’re blessed, whatever our story

The choice is ours, it always has been

What choice we make remains to be seen

We look to our future, we look to our past

Hoping to find some balance at last

It’s faith we’re after, plus love and good cheer

We’re excited now, it’s almost here

Those promises of yesterday now magically transformed

To a new way of living, a way to be reborn

We knew what we wanted, just didn’t know how

So we struggled in darkness, forgetting the Thou

We thought only our Me would be enough

But you were the one with the powerful stuff

Stuff that could be ours if we paused to see

You were waiting for us to join our Me with Thee

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“it makes a good story”

My soul & I

due to an incident in my childhood I had developed a fear that me choosing what I want has the potential to interfere with having my survival needs met. I had come to label this fear as fear of being cold, hungry and alone.

now i’m remembering accessing a past-life aspect of an eskimo gramma adrift on an ice floe so as to not be a burden on the diminishing food supply of the tribe or clan. (a perfect acting out of being cold, hungry and alone). over time I realized that I was not clear whether or not this being on the ice floe was voluntary or whether that gramma had been forced onto the ice floe.

another past-life aspect that I had accessed was a bank robber. well I thought it was a bank robber because the symbol in the vision was a burlap sack like the one that bank robbers used in western movies. I had been shown the connection between my lack of abundance and my robber aspect but this morning a piece has been added ….

at the place in my body where I was shown the connection between my lack of abundance and my robber aspect I have recently accessed 2 new sensations. at the front of my body a small burning spot .. like I was being prodded with a hot poker. and at the back of that body spot a sack of pus which I have labeled the energy of self-loathing.

this morning the pieces look like this …. 

the eskimo gramma and the robber were one and the same. and were forced onto the ice floe because she had been stealing food from the tribe’s diminishing food supply. and she has carried this feeling of loathing herself for what she did and of deserving to be cold, hungry and alone.

after writing all of this I threw up my hands in exasperation and shouted. so what good does it do me to know all of this. and soul said .. “it makes a good story”

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are you just going to sit there ignoring all the craziness

I’ve experienced some weird animal behavior over the past 24 hrs.

yesterday afternoon a neighbor dog came racing around the corner of my house. charged past me sitting on a terraced garden planter. then he did a few manic maneuvers before running off. i thought “that dog should be on prozac”

a new neighbor dog was coming around last year and stealing my smoking cushions. anyway haven’t seen him for months maybe even a year till yesterday afternoon when he came around acting manic. i thought that dog should be on prozac.

then this morning i was sitting immediately outside my door on a ledge. sitting really close to the door. when this bird came flying out of no where flying fast about knee height in my sitting position and quite close to my knees. flew towards the door and when it realised the door was closed it was momentarily almost trapped in the corner formed by the door and the ledge and behind my coat that was hanging down because i was sitting. didn’t take long for the bird to right itself and find its way to the open side of the patio and freedom. only thing i can think of is that it thought my blue door was water or sky. still weird and strange that it happened so soon after weird behavior of dog.

A friend asked .. What do you think the universe wants your attention for?

Me … perhaps asking . are you just going to sit there ignoring all the craziness going on around you

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everyone is loved. and everyone is loving.

earlier i was chatting with a “non-physical entity” called tobias who claims he is tobias of the story of tobit which is contained in some editions of the bible. i was introduced to tobias thru monthly channels of a spiritual community i belonged to. and for a few years tobias was “my man”. i needed to hear him tell me he loved me over and over and over. possibly because i came from a lineage where children were not told that they were loved. so tobias filled a hole in my heart and he has remained in my heart since.

as a result of recent readings about “false light” and “bonding from our wounds” i got to pondering my relationship with tobias. so today i chatted with him about how he could be part of the false light construct and i may have bonded with him out of my wounding.

and what did tobias answer. he said it didn’t matter if he was part of the false construct or not. that the important part was that i had learned what it felt like to feel loved. that everything is/was done out of love. even if entities are part of the false light construct or they deceive/betray humans, it is all for the benefit of the human. all part of the play that we came to earth to learn. similar to the light and the dark. only by knowing one could we truly know the other.

in parting he added . yes you are loved. everyone is loved. and everyone is loving. even those who lie to you, deceive you, mistreat you, do so in love. so that you will rise to your greatness and say no more mistreatment, no more deceit. henceforth i will listen carefully and discern. i will heal my wounds so that i am less susceptible to being misled.

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