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As my current bout of bursitis was clearing, I received a phone call from a friend of a friend. After the “business” of the call was completed and we had done a brief “how are things with you?”, I could feel that this person (whom I had met only once) was settling in for a bit of a heart to heart. I found myself thinking that a bit of a heart to heart was not what I wanted and so as quickly as I could, l gracefully ended the call.
The next morning my “bursitis shoulder” was a little painful – and also cold – which I sensed indicated frozen emotions coming to the surface. The phrase “cold shoulder” flashed across my mind – and then expanded into “giving someone the cold shoulder”. And I realized that I do this a lot – someone that I have just met or met only once wants to get closer and I put a stop to it. I’m Getting something about how “giving someone the cold shoulder” (withholding) is also a form of “keeping them at arm’s length” and I got a vision of my right arm extended with my open palm acting as a Stop sign – like No Closer Than This. And I’m thinking that Stop sign would not only stop the person on the other side of my palm – it would stop Love, Abundance and anything else that wanted to flow in. And the back of my “hand Stop sign” would stop the flow of the Love/energy flowing out from me which would cause a backup/blockage which I believe has been the root of my bouts of bursitis.
Then while Breathing I had a vision of the serial presence of several ex-boyfriends each lying with their head in the crook where my right arm joins my body. And each of them was reminding me of ways in which I had not loved / honored myself. The area of my body where each had laid his head grew very warm and then cooled and when it was cooled I felt / saw yards and yards of a cloth like substance being gently pulled from that area of my body.
A couple of days later I had a vision of a hole in that area where the ex-boyfriends had laid their head. And it is the same hole where in an earlier vision I saw my Abundance energy pass through my body when I had been asked if I was ready to receive my Abundance. And I am seeing the connection – Self Worth (self-love, self-honoring) and Abundance
I had met up with 2 friends who were all abuzz that they had just seen a Flasher. Out of my mouth came “Well, was he at least a good looking Flasher?” My friends were almost stern, saying “No, he was gross. We called the cops. The cops said we did the right thing, that people like this must be stopped or they will go on to do worse things etc”. Meanwhile, I realized that I was locked into compassion for the guy, thinking “Oh he’s just doing his thing. No need to get your knickers in a knot.” Suddenly I was aware that one of my friends was giving me a look that said, “I’ve always been a bit concerned about you. Now I know you’re nuts”.
i was listening to some channeled material and St Germain was asking if we’re ready to “Go Beyond”. For about 5 mins St G talks about how if we gave permission to Go Beyond our life would change and the changes might be drastic. I’m sorta playing with the idea of well how drastic could changes in my life be. I’ve already Let Go of so much. St G says we don’t need to decide now, that the space will be kept open, we can come back later and decide etc. etc And I FEEL that I have decided to wait and come back later. Then St G continues saying but we’re at a fork in the road and people who give permission will go down one fork and those who do not will go down the other fork so in a minute he’s going to ask who gives permission. And at that moment I became conscious that my soul / consciousness whatever HAD GIVEN PERMISSION and little human me is sitting here thinking / feeling Oh Wow I get the concept ..AND.. OMG I gave permission.
i was in a restaurant deciding what to order. i knew i was having warm seafood but would i have it as a salad and as a stir-fry. my mental debate was including things like .. well last time you had the salad you still felt a bit hungry afterward. this was countered by, well if we’re still hungry we can have another salad, or something else. i also heard .. if you have the stir-fry with the veggies and rice you’ll probably feel like going home for a nap because it’s so filling. so i checked in with my body. body wanted salad. ok. and as soon as i had ordered my cells started doing this little happy dance. then i got this feeling-knowing that i was releasing a bit of the survival-paradigm, the paradigm that says make sure you fill up while you’re here, you don’t know when you’ll eat next etc. and i can see that this experience allowed me to deepen my level of trust.trust that there will be food later, trust that i won’t be hungry. i have known that i have several aspects who died of starvation, or at least lived lives of much hunger, so it’s wonderful to have released those, developed some trust, and i believe moved a bit more out of the survival paradigm
So i launched myself on yet another sabbatical. This time unlike previous sabbaticals i didn’t make a geographical move, didn’t go travelling or move about visiting friends. Instead i stayed in my apartment in the beach community where i had spent 3 of the past 4 years. Stayed in the apartment building with its friendly tenants and great location. I could walk out my front door, turn right and 3 blocks later i was at the beach. If i walked straight ahead from my front door 2 blocks later i was on a street with interesting shops and restaurants. I had always felt i was on holiday living in that neighborhood. And now i kinda was on holiday.
One day I had decided to walk to the mall for some cigarettes. As I was putting on my shoes I had the thought to knock on my neighbor’s door to see if she wanted to walk with me. When my neighbor opened her door I saw 5/6 garbage bags full of stuff that she had cleared out of her closets and was wondering how she would get them to the nearby thrift store.
After a bit of discussion we decided that we could use my car and park in the “no parking area” with the flashers on and after helping my neighbor unload her stuff I would stay with the car while she tossed the bags thru the door of the thrift shop.
Driving home she & I talked about how amazing it was that I chose that morning to knock on her door and that I had the means to help her do what she wanted to do.
Later reviewing the events I formulated a theory as to what happened. The theory goes like this: Friday evening my neighbor looked at the 5/6 bags and thought: how am I going to get these to the thrift store? This thought-form then started a Google search and at 10 am the next morning matched up with my thought-form of going for cigarettes. I was the perfect Solution for mmy neighbor and in my ear was put the suggestion to knock on my neighbor’s door. So I think that we can Create by saying “I Choose to get these bags to the thrift store” it worked for my neighbor 🙂
I sense that I’m at a really major point in my learning curve and I am about to make a quantum leap. Like bits and pieces of my puzzle are falling into place. Then I thought that maybe leaving my job is symbolically about finishing this Journey I’ve been on. The Finish Line is in sight, I am tired, I want to rest, to be comforted, and to be supported.
All of you, now that you can see the Finish Line, want to cross that line and bask in the glory. That will come. There’s just a bit more work to be done before the basking. It’s actually harder now that the Finish Line is in sight. Do not go backwards. Remember that you are never alone, that you are loved, and that you will be cared for. Is cared for the same as provided for? You will provide for yourself with our assistance. And who are you who will be assisting me? We are your Angelic Team, those who have known you in other lifetimes and in other Realities. We come here now to assist you as you take this very important next step, important both in your own development and in the development of Humanity. We Thank You for your Agreement to take this step and for the courage that you show by doing so. We have All of Us awaited and hoped for this next step for eons of time. And we are grateful and excited that it has now arrived. It is like a Birth. The gestation period has been long and at times arduous. At times we wondered if Indeed there would ever Be Completion and Fruition. Now the time is upon us.
In the bath I had the realization that things that are meant for me are and have been looking for me. I cried a little thinking but if they’ve been looking for me why have I felt so alone? Why didn’t I know that they were looking for me? I heard it was a timing thing. Then I explored how do I feel now that I know that these things are looking for me just as I have been looking for them? I felt maybe more sadness than relief, even though I know that if I’m looking for them and they’re looking for me, it is inevitable that we find each other.
I’m beginning to see that when I felt like I was on a treadmill and needing to give Notice at work, I followed my heart and gave Notice. I later extended that Notice to prevent a colleague from getting a tough account which led to me getting an offer of part time work. One year later I felt to not go to a seminar, and it turned out that the seminar was not compulsory. All is well always, it is impossible for us to fail, so we should choose what we want most.
I have left jobs before for extended periods of time hoping to find my “passion” only to always return to jobs that “pay the bills”– so I have a memory of failure. One day I thought how previously, I had tended to stay focused on work until I quit and then once I was unemployed, I would start focusing on my unemployed state with its associated pressures and fears. This time I thought, why don’t you fast-forward this movie you’ve been to before and pretend that you’re already unemployed. That way you can experience the pressures and the fears while you also have the luxury and comfort of a pay check. And you know, it worked. For 24 hours I was in absolute terror. Thank You to the part of me that during this time, reminded me of previous times of turmoil when I have survived.
In a dream I was asleep on a mattress on the floor of my office building and I became aware that there was a rat in the room with me. Then it was like the rat had suctioned onto my blanket and the rat was shaking itself furiously. I sensed danger but I was so deeply asleep, that I couldn’t pull myself out of my sleep to take any action except to pull the blanket over my head.
Upon waking I looked at my present home and work environments and asked myself why am I continuing to work at a job that does not make my heart sing? Are you Staying or are you Going? Is that question about more than my job? It feels like I am being asked if I really want to stay on Earth. There were some moments last week when I wasn’t certain that I could stay or that I wanted to stay. When you have the thought of how easy it would have been to choose to leave, it is actually a confirmation that you have reaffirmed your decision to stay.
In another dream I got up from the desk in my office and went into the hallway. The hallway had changed and now had a door between my office and the neighboring office. and my office was now part of offices belonging to a different company. I felt in No Man’s Land between my old company and this new company. Following this dream I began noticing a new reaction on my part to phone calls from clients. The reaction was that many times I didn’t seem to respond, to the point where the client must have wondered if I was actually still present. It didn’t necessarily feel like withdrawal or avoidance in the old sense, just a blankness. Like one client did the intimidating thing – no response from me just a blank. Another client did the poor me why is no-one helping me thing – no response from me just a blank. It’s not that I felt anger or fear in response to the intimidating client, or Oh Please in response to the poor me client, it’s like part of my mind was saying this has nothing to do with me. Maybe, it’s like the song “I’m Already Gone.”
Not long after having these dreams and my new reaction to clients, a series of events happened or didn’t happen, that resulted in my company taking me off my largest account (which I have been wanting for months) and the VP saying that they didn’t really have another “good” account to offer me at the moment. So I said, maybe this can work for each of us, as I have been wanting some time off. The VP and I discussed the status of my other accounts, and agreed that I would begin a Leave of Absence in a month.
It looks like I’m getting what I asked for and it terrifies me. It usually does terrify. And why is that, why does it terrify me to feel that I’m getting what I want – or that I think I want? It has to do with what you want being closer, not so far away. This forces you to accept the reality and to release the longing. There is comfort and familiarity in longing, like a mental “if only” that you can hold onto.