Overcoming a sense of not deserving is really hard

What am I to do about supporting myself financially?

Focus on remembering your dreams, while also taking action steps.

Do something if you are seriously playing this game.

This Game?

This Game of Life.

I have been reading about Putting out Intentions. Should I be doing this?

If you choose.

OK I will put out an Intention that I will receive some cash.

You can put out that Intention, but do you believe it?

I believe, that since I lost some money in a bad investment, that there’s some of “my cash” out there

so it would be Ok for me to ask for it back.

What if there was not any of “your cash” out there, would it still be OK to ask for some?

You find that question more difficult do you not?

Overcoming a sense of not deserving is really hard.

There is enough for everyone, so you can receive everything you want.

There are resources out there that you are not even aware of, so maintain faith.

Set your Intention on creating a life that incorporates all of the things that are important to you.

At the same time, intend that you will allow as much of your old stuff as possible to clear.

This is how you create a balanced life.

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i’m doing it “for humanity or the collective”

i’ve been thinking about this whole i’m doing it “for humanity or the collective” thing.

and i’m not sure that it’s accurate.

i’m beginning to think

that while my releasing, integrating etc benefits humanity or the collective

ultimately i can only release and integrate my own crap.

possibly crap from my ancestors, dna etc but not “for” anyone else.

i’m thinking this has been one of the pitfalls of patriarchy.

thinking that we know better or are better than another.

last year I met a woman who at first i viewed almost with disdain.

but over the months since we met

i have come to see that she embodies attributes that i have denied having

and she also has strengths that i don’t have.

i’ve dropped a lot of arrogance since i met her.

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constantly finding coins

Over the past 3/4 weeks I seem to be constantly finding coins.

I find them everywhere – on the sidewalk, in the washer, in pockets of my clothing (even tho I use a coin-purse and do not tend to carry loose change in my pocket), once even in the garden.

Each time it has been a single coin tho of varying values.

And each time spotting the coin has caused me to chuckle.

When the coin is a penny (which is the most frequent) l tend to think of the children’s story of leaving a trail of bread crumbs to find their way back – taking comfort thinking that I left a trail of pennies.

When the coin is other than a penny (maybe 1/4 of the time) I tend to laugh out loud as I think “just to shake you up in case you get too complacent”.

this morning I’m thinking that this “game” also contains some reminders:

– that there is ‘abundance” all around me/us

that previously I have been limited by a belief that my abundance (worth) is of the level of pennies and the sporadic inclusion of coins of more “worth” are to shake me from that belief.

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only so much “good fortune” to go around

The magnificent logistics of my reduced workload (lots of monies in exchange for few hours of work) was wonderful – and it was to be temporary.

I immediately began wondering how I could possibly continue to have such working conditions.

I realized that I wasn’t certain that I could imagine creating the same again.

Why was that?

Even my rational mind said, why wouldn’t your thinking be, that having done something once, you now have the template, so it would be easier to do it a second time?

Why would one success not give me confidence and lead me to believe that I could do it again?

Do I believe there’s only so much “good fortune” to go around and that I have had my share?

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like a crustacean that had shed its shell

Am I making progress here?

Yes, you are making progress.

We know that you are reviewing past mistakes, but those were lessons. They were painful in many ways, but they were lessons that you chose, or that you needed.

It is true that you have tended to create some precarious situations both financially and emotionally.

It is also true that these experiences are leading you deeper into yourself.

You are letting go of Self Pity.

You are learning to release mental anguish and pretense.

You are learning to release judgement or at least to be conscious of it when you have it.

These are major steps.

These major steps resulted in me beginning to feel uncomfortable in social situations.

Shortly after arriving at some gathering, I would feel like going home.

As it was winter time I told myself that if I left the cabin fire unattended for too long a period of time that the cabin temperature would be unbearable upon my return.

But I knew that it was more than that.

I had dropped many of my defenses and my pretenses and I had not yet put anything in their place.

I felt like a crustacean that had shed its shell.

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at least I was finally Journeying

One day I walked into a new friend’s apartment in a building across the street from a beach and I knew that I could very happily live in that setting.

I was shown an apartment that was custom made for me. It had hardwood floors and a view that encompassed the ocean, rocks, trees, sand, flowers and mountains in the distance. Amazing!

While I gazed at the view I “heard”: You are drawn to the water’s edge because it is where you feel happy and free because you are not boxed in.

You can see and feel the beauty of the universe, which allows your Spirit to soar. That view down the strait is a passageway – a Northwest passageway.

This reference to the direction of the passageway may have reflected the fact that I had joined a class on Native American teachings.

During the classes the facilitator would beat on a drum while the class lay on the floor and went on Journeys.

At first I was able only to lie on the floor and enjoy feeling the drumbeat through my body.

Then slowly I began to have glimpses of what going on a Journey was about.

My first glimpse was when we were to connect with our Animal Totem.

I giggled as I saw myself walking down a path with the A&W bear.

But at least I was finally Journeying, he was an animal and he did lead me to connect with a salmon and an eagle.

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AND she was reading my book

part of my “family assisting” consisted of meeting my 7 yr old grandson after school and then hanging out in the school park/playground where many parents/caregivers also hang out. over the past few weeks I have talked several times with a woman who shared that she loves to read.

a few days ago I mentioned that I had written a book. the woman asked what it was about. I said some personal experiences and “some conversations with someone out there“. The woman said (I thought excitedly) that she would like to read it.

so yesterday I took my proof copy of the book to the park with me. the woman was rushed that day and not staying at the playground. when I gave her the book she looked at the cover (which has an angel on it) and said (I thought rather offhandedly) “oh Thanks. I’m in the middle of another book right now so I’ll finish that one and then read this one”.

Later at home so many questions & doubts came up. Thoughts that I don’t really know this woman, don’t really know what kind of books she likes, don’t know if she’s into spirituality etc. doubts of what if she doesn’t like my book and I’ve kinda put her on the spot of having to say so. Yep a big bit of OMG what have I done.

Today the woman is rushing past me (looking for her kid in the crowd) but stopped long enough to say “I’m really loving your book” leaving me sitting there thinking so you started reading my book before you finished the other one. I guess you got past the angel on the cover.

A few minutes later I spotted the woman sitting on the other side of the playground AND she was reading my book.

Well if I had questions & doubts after giving her the book they were nothing compared to what I experienced today sitting there looking at her in the act of reading it.

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