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I sense that I’m at a really major point in my learning curve and I am about to make a quantum leap. Like bits and pieces of my puzzle are falling into place. Then I thought that maybe leaving my job is symbolically about finishing this Journey I’ve been on. The Finish Line is in sight, I am tired, I want to rest, to be comforted, and to be supported.
All of you, now that you can see the Finish Line, want to cross that line and bask in the glory. That will come. There’s just a bit more work to be done before the basking. It’s actually harder now that the Finish Line is in sight. Do not go backwards. Remember that you are never alone, that you are loved, and that you will be cared for. Is cared for the same as provided for? You will provide for yourself with our assistance. And who are you who will be assisting me? We are your Angelic Team, those who have known you in other lifetimes and in other Realities. We come here now to assist you as you take this very important next step, important both in your own development and in the development of Humanity. We Thank You for your Agreement to take this step and for the courage that you show by doing so. We have All of Us awaited and hoped for this next step for eons of time. And we are grateful and excited that it has now arrived. It is like a Birth. The gestation period has been long and at times arduous. At times we wondered if Indeed there would ever Be Completion and Fruition. Now the time is upon us.
In the bath I had the realization that things that are meant for me are and have been looking for me. I cried a little thinking but if they’ve been looking for me why have I felt so alone? Why didn’t I know that they were looking for me? I heard it was a timing thing. Then I explored how do I feel now that I know that these things are looking for me just as I have been looking for them? I felt maybe more sadness than relief, even though I know that if I’m looking for them and they’re looking for me, it is inevitable that we find each other.
I’m beginning to see that when I felt like I was on a treadmill and needing to give Notice at work, I followed my heart and gave Notice. I later extended that Notice to prevent a colleague from getting a tough account which led to me getting an offer of part time work. One year later I felt to not go to a seminar, and it turned out that the seminar was not compulsory. All is well always, it is impossible for us to fail, so we should choose what we want most.
I have left jobs before for extended periods of time hoping to find my “passion” only to always return to jobs that “pay the bills”– so I have a memory of failure. One day I thought how previously, I had tended to stay focused on work until I quit and then once I was unemployed, I would start focusing on my unemployed state with its associated pressures and fears. This time I thought, why don’t you fast-forward this movie you’ve been to before and pretend that you’re already unemployed. That way you can experience the pressures and the fears while you also have the luxury and comfort of a pay check. And you know, it worked. For 24 hours I was in absolute terror. Thank You to the part of me that during this time, reminded me of previous times of turmoil when I have survived.
In a dream I was asleep on a mattress on the floor of my office building and I became aware that there was a rat in the room with me. Then it was like the rat had suctioned onto my blanket and the rat was shaking itself furiously. I sensed danger but I was so deeply asleep, that I couldn’t pull myself out of my sleep to take any action except to pull the blanket over my head.
Upon waking I looked at my present home and work environments and asked myself why am I continuing to work at a job that does not make my heart sing? Are you Staying or are you Going? Is that question about more than my job? It feels like I am being asked if I really want to stay on Earth. There were some moments last week when I wasn’t certain that I could stay or that I wanted to stay. When you have the thought of how easy it would have been to choose to leave, it is actually a confirmation that you have reaffirmed your decision to stay.
In another dream I got up from the desk in my office and went into the hallway. The hallway had changed and now had a door between my office and the neighboring office. and my office was now part of offices belonging to a different company. I felt in No Man’s Land between my old company and this new company. Following this dream I began noticing a new reaction on my part to phone calls from clients. The reaction was that many times I didn’t seem to respond, to the point where the client must have wondered if I was actually still present. It didn’t necessarily feel like withdrawal or avoidance in the old sense, just a blankness. Like one client did the intimidating thing – no response from me just a blank. Another client did the poor me why is no-one helping me thing – no response from me just a blank. It’s not that I felt anger or fear in response to the intimidating client, or Oh Please in response to the poor me client, it’s like part of my mind was saying this has nothing to do with me. Maybe, it’s like the song “I’m Already Gone.”
Not long after having these dreams and my new reaction to clients, a series of events happened or didn’t happen, that resulted in my company taking me off my largest account (which I have been wanting for months) and the VP saying that they didn’t really have another “good” account to offer me at the moment. So I said, maybe this can work for each of us, as I have been wanting some time off. The VP and I discussed the status of my other accounts, and agreed that I would begin a Leave of Absence in a month.
It looks like I’m getting what I asked for and it terrifies me. It usually does terrify. And why is that, why does it terrify me to feel that I’m getting what I want – or that I think I want? It has to do with what you want being closer, not so far away. This forces you to accept the reality and to release the longing. There is comfort and familiarity in longing, like a mental “if only” that you can hold onto.
I was to write a Licensing exam, required to allow me to continue with my current career, should I choose. The “problem” was that I just did not feel like studying. I wondered if I was maybe removing a safety net – that if I failed the exam, I would not be able to return to my current career. My heart reminded me that I did not want to continue with that line of work anyway. My mind said that it would be a good idea to get licensed “just in case”.
The day before the exam, I opened the study text, and it was like my vision went right through the print, the words didn’t even register. And the feeling of “Not Wanting To” came over me really strongly and it was like I remembered so many times, that I had made myself do something that I didn’t want to do. And I put the study text away. After that, I felt calm – like something had been decided and everything would be OK – either I would pass the exam or it wouldn’t matter. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to having a few anxious moments before I went to sleep that night. The idea that I might wake in terror in the wee hours and do some frantic last minute “cramming” felt like a possibility.
What’s up with me and this exam that I’m writing today? You are releasing a control that says that writing this exam is necessary for you or for anyone. What does the exam prove for either those who choose to continue with this work or for you who are choosing not to continue?
Yet I sense to write the exam, not to just sit home. Yes because by writing the exam you will learn something – possibly that you can pass the exam without studying, possibly that the material is totally irrelevant, possibly that you can now play with something that others take so seriously.
Following this conversation I called a cab to take me to the building where I was to write the exam, as I didn’t feel sufficiently grounded to deal with looking for parking, etc. Once in the exam room, I read through the exam and I had the thought that I knew “about 80%” of the material. So I wrote in my answers, handed in the papers and left the room in a bit of a daze, like I couldn’t believe what I had just done.
A few days later I opened my mailbox to see that the exam results had arrived. I sat for a bit before opening the envelope asking myself what I wanted the results to say. When I reached the point where I was OK either way pass or fail, I opened the envelope. I had passed. And guess what my score was? 78%. Now, it’s true that this was not an unknown field for me. I had been working in it for 6 years. Still, I find it significant that I had known that I knew “about 80%” and I scored 78%. We really do know a lot.
I learned that two of my colleagues had given Notice to leave the job. I anticipated a “we’d like you to take on more accounts” talk with the VP in the next few days. I did not want to take on more accounts but I wondered why I was dreading the discussion that I sensed would be necessary for me to achieve this.
Up came the memory of a Journey from my Native American Teachings classes: I heard “there’s more that you’re not telling”. I felt that there was something that I was refusing to admit that I knew, maybe even something that I wasn’t supposed to know and that some authority figure wanted me to tell or to admit. I was afraid that I might divulge this information.
As I asked myself what I thought this could be about, I felt pressure in my throat, which tightened until I felt like I was being “choked”. Asking myself who would be choking me, I had a vision of a “hanging knot” around my throat. There was a 6-8 inch extension of rope beyond the knot though I didn’t have a sense that the knot was attached to anything.
Then I had a sense of asking myself do you think you’ve been hanged? I answered that yes, I think so. At this point my neck got really tight. I sensed both because the rope got tighter and because I got very afraid. I asked myself if I could release my fear of death. I was able to answer yes and the pressure on my neck decreased.
Next I sensed sadness, thinking of loved ones who would be grieving my death. I asked, can I release this sadness? After a brief time, I was able to answer yes. Then I asked about the people who were instrumental in me being hanged – could I forgive them? I answered yes. All of these answers came quite quickly.
Suddenly there came a quite loud question of “why are you being hanged”? I didn’t come up with a definite answer. I heard “did you do something to bring this upon yourself”? Still no answer, but I think a growing sense that I wasn’t totally innocent. Then I heard “do you feel guilty, are you sorry for what you have done”? The guilt was heavy, thick and cold and didn’t release. So maybe my dread of the anticipated talk with the VP has to do with a memory of having to speak to an authority figure.
I had rather forgotten about the whole issue of a possible talk with the VP as my son was visiting and we were doing family stuff. My son left one morning and that evening I remembered the work thing and I thought, “Hey, I must have escaped that ordeal”. Not so! The next morning I got the “I need to see you for a few minutes” email from the VP.
Since the request was by email, I decided to take a smoke break before I responded. I was amazed at the feelings that came up during this smoke break. I don’t want to do more accounts. Well, maybe I could do this much more. Maybe I could trade one of my smaller accounts for a larger one, etc. Etc. I even saw myself start the tape that said, “don’t you dare change things, I want things to stay just the way they are, until I have manifested what I really want”. And then I remembered, that I had been seeing my job as temporary and wondering why “what I really want” had not been manifesting. Aha! – “what I really want” has not been manifesting because I have been holding onto “things staying just the way they are until….”
This Aha threw me into total confusion. I can’t remember the last time I was so unbalanced. But Someone accompanied me to that talk because I ended up with things staying the same. And not by my own doing. I wasn’t capable of negotiating. At one point I even said to the VP, “I don’t even know what I want”. So, maybe the “good news” from this is that we are somehow “protected” and almost can’t screw up.
A couple of weeks after my daughter’s graduation, her dad, who lives in another province, forwarded some pictures by computer adding that if I wanted more pictures to let him know. I answered jokingly that I would like a picture of me thinner and with longer hair. A few days later in the mail I received copies of the computer pictures. Along with the pictures there was a newspaper clipping of a woman, slimmer than me and with hair longer than mine – and who had my name.
Now I’m thinking, why didn’t I add more items to my request list? Also because my request manifested I’ve been sitting with “the process” – trying to remember the feeling state I was in, when I made my request. I had looked at the pictures on the computer and had thoughts of me being larger and with shorter hair than I like. And then I had let those thoughts go, I guess deciding that things were as they were, there was nothing I could do about it now, and maybe that it really wasn’t that important to me, especially in light of all the other wonderful things that surrounded the graduation event. So when the suggestion of other pictures came up, the words came out of my mouth without emotion attached – yet they also contained my Truth – I would have liked to be thinner with longer hair, but was not going to beat myself up, or feel that I needed to do anything about it. And of course, because it was just a joke, I never thought of it again. And then it happened. Or maybe and so it happened.
I’m also remembering a time when I had found myself in a position where I needed to find both a place to live and a way to pay for it immediately. Within a week I found myself in a house-sitting situation and with a well paying job for which I was marginally qualified. At the time I was amazed and grateful for what seemed to be miracles. But I have sometimes looked back and wondered what may have happened, had I not been so locked into the Belief that having a job was the only way that my needs could be met. I did get what I asked for – a place to live and a way to pay for it. But now I wonder what might have happened, if I had stated my Real Truth, which was that I wanted to continue my unstructured life and to have my bills taken care of.