oh-we-should-have-told-you

yesterday morning i felt a huge release of my female lineage’s condemnation of various male family members who excessively favored “sex, alcohol and aggression”.

as the day went on i found myself moving into compassion for the male members, several of whom i had known or lived with.

then in my sleep i was shown/asked if i could feel the same level of compassion for myself. and you know what. i COULDN’T.

we explored the idea of a sense of superiority. i could extend that level of compassion to others because others “needed” that level of compassion, but i didn’t NEED it because i was “superior”. i was meant to GIVE compassion not to RECEIVE it. 

we also explored the idea of worthiness. possibly i didn’t feel worthy of this level of compassion.

still a work in process 

I am tired,

I want to rest, to be comforted, and to be supported.

All of you, now that you can see the Finish Line,

want to cross that line and bask in the glory.

That will come.

There’s just a bit more work to be done before the basking.

It’s actually harder now that the Finish Line is in sight.

Do not go backwards.

Remember that you are never alone,

that you are loved, and that you will be cared for.

Is cared for the same as provided for?

You will provide for yourself with our assistance.

And who are you who will be assisting me?

We are your Angelic Team,

those who have known you in other lifetimes and in other Realities.

We come here now to assist you as you take this very important next step,

important both in your own development

and in the development of Humanity.

We Thank You for your Agreement to take this step

and for the courage that you show by doing so.

a couple of days ago i was witnessing an intense discussion

when one of the participants pulled out what i felt to be “the victim card”

at which point i stopped witnessing and scrolled on (the discussion was on fb).

in my sleep just now i was retrieving childhood memories

and what did i come up against – an “anti-victim claiming” part

that had to do with the emotional neglect of my childhood

which i was refusing to acknowledge.

my day started off with lots of anger releasing from my system

and me eating everything in sight.

i did some “beditating” and integrated one very pissed off rageful aspect.

last night i was feeling into patriarchy and remembered “as without so within”

and i realised that my masculine energy had been oppressing & suppressing my feminine energy.

the rageful aspect i integrated may be a reflection of that.

not sure which energy was rageful.

the feminine for having been oppressed + suppressed

or the masculine because the feminine was shaking off the shackles

i’m discovering that my shadow also includes some so-called “positive” traits.

i was an exuberant, feisty, carefree 3-5 year old who gave up these traits

because they made the adults in my world uncomfortable.

so i adopted more serious and responsible traits.

same with my self-confidence and “being full of myself” as my mother used to say

and which the adults around me considered to be arrogance, vanity and pride.

shadow work is helping me uncover my exuberant, carefree, confident self.

recently i was able to access the part of myself who had all of these traits i had given up.

then i felt them fading away and i realised i had difficulty objecting to the fading away.

i felt regressed to the age where todders say “mine”.

even then i was able to say “mine” with only about 75% of the strength which i would like,

but i’m happy to have accessed this part and reclaimed 75% of “mine”

in my landscape invitation i was a woman standing alone at the water’s edge in a clearing with trees on either side of me. i had the sense of others behind me which sometimes felt like my community still asleep nearby and at other times felt like those who had come before me. the symbol that came to me was a partial sun on the horizon.

when the facilitator read the list of emotions each and every one on the list registered in my body tho each felt slightly different. when i heard the last emotion of hopelessness it was as tho all of the previous emotions came together and merged into one glob called hopelessness.

when i asked hopelessness what she wanted to express she seemed to cover many of the emotions on the list by saying “i don’t know why or how you continue. what do you hope to accomplish. don’t you know that we have tried everything before and it didn’t work out. why do you expect a different result this time. so what that you feel superior or special. you aren’t you know. we were just as smart and as capable as you. who do you think you are. we are just trying to protect you by not getting your hopes up, not wasting your life.

while hopelessness’s words sound a bit harsh as i type them when she spoke i actually felt her love which brought a smile to my face.

later i had a brief visit with hopelessness and she said that the reason that each of the emotions merged into one glob called hopelessness is that whenever an ancestor felt sad hopelessness magnified the sadness as a way to protect the ancestor from pursuing further personal or spiritual growth. hopelessness says she is now helping me by encouraging a balance between my expanding body awareness and expanding awareness of my beliefs. as my body feels more and my mind fears more, hopelessness now monitors bringing balance.

i’m discovering that my shadow also includes some so-called “positive” traits.

i was an exuberant, feisty, carefree 3-5 year old who gave up these traits because they made the adults in my world uncomfortable. so i adopted more serious and responsible traits.

same with my self-confidence and “being full of myself” as my mother used to say and which the adults around me considered to be arrogrance, vanity and pride.

shadow work is helping me uncover my exuberant, carefree, confident self.

after decades of living in denial and running to new jobs, cities and relationships, 10 years ago i began to more and more cut off from myself until a couple of years later i was totally isolated.

that’s when i “heard” a message saying “stay put”. it appeared at first like i was to “stay put” geographically as my attempts to run repeatedly failed. Then i realised “stay put” also meant to face myself which i did for 5 years reading, journalling and watching videos and webinars. eventually i joined fb groups and webinars sometimes even braving video participation.

then a couple of years ago my higher self arranged a geographical move. this time to shared accommodation which has forced/allowed me to observe my behavior in relation to others. i feel like i’m dealing with an adolescent self who doesn’t understand how “real life” works. i have come to realise that i grew up with the trauma of emotional neglect which has only recently been acknowleged as a form of trauma so wasn’t covered in my years of counselling or self-help exploration.

as i was typing i had a realisation. my inner child is the one who never grew up, doesn’t feel confident in knowing “how the real world works”. she has been constantly overruled by my adult self who has required of her that she become serious rather than playful and do “work” and not “play” which feels like she was required to do things that her heart wasn’t in.

and my adult self lied to her telling her that someday she would be able to play, that she wouldn’t have to work “for ever”. but to a child years seem for ever. i thought i would be writing that i have to forgive my adult self and possibly i do for her lying tho i also need to thank her for keeping us safe.

a couple of weeks ago i took part in a guided visualisation during which i resonated with what was referred to as a “MEDICINE WOMAN WOUND” especially the wound symptom of holding ourself back from sharing our wisdom because of a fear of misleading others.

as the visualisation progressed i made the connection that i was holding myself back from sharing my love due to the same fear of misleading others. i was shown a scene in which a young maiden was standing beside her father who appeared to be the leader of a small village or tribe. the maiden’s father had just been given an ultimatium by a horse mounted male authority which had to do with the male thinking the maiden had shown affection to the male and had arrived to claim the maiden for himself otherwise he would wreak havoc on the village/tribe. i sensed the maiden felt she had just been friendly same as she was friendly to members of her village but the authoritive male who was unaccoustomed to general friendliness had been mislead to believing that the maiden’s friendliness was directed at him personally.

at the same time i sensed there was a young male in the village/tribe that had been courting the maiden who was receptive to this courting. yet here was this authoritarian male come to claim the maiden for himself or he would wreak havoc on the village/tribe. and the maiden’s father said the decision of what to do was left up to the maiden. she could voluntarily agree to go off with this authoritarian male or have havoc wreaked upon her village/tribe. i wasn’t shown what decision the maiden made.