I have left jobs hoping to find my “passion”, only to always return to jobs that “pay the bills”– so I have a memory of failure.
One day I thought how previously, I had tended to stay focused on work until I quit and then once I was unemployed, I would start focusing on my unemployed state with its associated pressures and fears.
This time I thought, why don’t you fast-forward this movie and pretend that you’re already unemployed. That way you can experience the pressures and the fears while you also have the luxury and comfort of a pay check.
And you know, it worked. For 24 hours I was in absolute terror.
Thank You to the part of me that during this time, reminded me of previous times of turmoil when I have survived.
the fridge i am currently using is one of those ancient ones that require manual defrosting. For the past couple of days i have been thinking that i would tackle that job “soon”.
This morning i woke at 3am and remembering the time it takes for the fridge to defrost i had the idea to unplug the fridge and open its doors to begin the defrosting.
A few hours later having emptied water from the collecting tray a few times i felt like returning to bed. I checked the fridge’s progress. About 50% done. Hmmm. What to do. If i did the placing a pan of hot water in the freezer to speed things along it would probably be done in an hour. But i didn’t feel liker spending the next hour replacing pans of hot water and emptying the collecting tray.
Then i had the brilliant idea to close the doors to the fridge which was quite cool and delay the defrosting till i woke properly.
A few hours later i woke and checked the fridge. The collecting tray needed emptying but otherwise everything was fine. No mess. Yah ! So i once again opened the doors and went grocery shopping.
When i returned with my groceries the collecting tray was full once again including sheets of ice that had fallen from the outer edges of the freezer. So i emptied that and then wiped the sheets of ice from the inside of the freezer and voila the fridge was defrosted.
And that was my most interesting fridge defrosting experience ever 🙂
I woke about 3am and decided to go out for a smoke. Nodding at the front desk clerk I headed out the door. and went to sit on a ledge about 20 feet from the front door which I had done many, many times before.
this time a young man came along. a well dressed good-looking young man and he sat down beside me. he looked out of place from the street people who are frequently out & about at that hour. or the young partiers who are making their way home in pairs or groups.
anyway the guy sits beside me & starts chatting. says he’s from cuba and we have a decent chat. then he starts saying he would like to have sex. so we continue chatting including about sex in general. I say I no longer have an interest in sex. that may have been after he said he would like to have sex with me.
so we have a conversation interspersed with him coming back to wanting to have sex. he even got as far as saying he was prepared to pay. at which point I said gee there’s usually girls around that you could do business with. and I scanned the street and seriously there was not one other soul in sight. Yikes !
cos usually there is always one or 2 people wandering by. lots of homeless peeps walking to keep warm. And I realise I’m on the sidewalk all alone with this guy who wants to have sex with me. And he’s sitting between me and the door to the hostel !
I now look at him closely and see that his eyes are glazed. so not necessarily drunk but high on something.
just as I’m trying to decide whether it’s better that I stand up or remain sitting, the front door of the hostel opens and out walks a guy. tiny little guy who doesn’t even see me & dude sitting on the periphery of the lights from the hostel. but it’s enough to alert sex-crazed dude to get up and walk away. And I went back inside feeling super grateful.
Monday morning I started my “avoiding prohibitive street parking costs 9am-6pm”. And what a fascinating experience. The weather was hot and free parking spaces few and far between. I had taken my laptop with me and found that an a&w had good wifi reception but also found that I felt I could only stay there for a certain length of time. So I spent the day moving around as I felt that I had kinda worn out my welcome at certain spots.
And then I thought this is how the homeless must feel. How long can I loiter without putting myself in the position of being asked to move along. I remembered how once doing an exercise to determine our biggest fear I had identified a big fear of being “cold, hungry and alone” and I got that’s part of what I’m accessing at the moment. i sense i have accessed that fear at a deeper level and released some residue.
The next day I visited a new friend in suburbia. as I drove up to her house it was like I re-visited my time in suburbia the good, the bad and the ugly, even the parts I thought I wanted to experience and didn’t get a chance to experience. and partly it felt foreign as tho i was feeling i can’t believe that i ever found such a setting to be desirable. who was i or what was i thinking when i lived in a house almost identical to the one i’m parked in front of. In that 60 second experience it evaporated. bye bye suburbia. been there done that. Finished thank you.
And there were miracles. The day before I was to meet my new friend I thought geesh Sharon your car is filthy inside and out. and I mean filthy especially inside, to the point where I was almost embarrassed. So as I was driving along what do I spot but a ‘car wash” sign. I pull in and learn that they have a “special for seniors” $15 for interior & exterior cleaning. And they did a fantastic job !
In sept 2012 i decided to “go hosteling”. so I headed out. beautiful weather. peaceful wait at the ferry terminal. as I sat waiting to board the ferry I pulled out my journal which I have used only scantily over the past couple of years. and I began to channel. well I’ve done a bit of channelling before but this connection was “full. deep & full”. i could feel the energy of several women i had known. could feel how each of them are part of me or that I am connected to each of their energies. and i could feel the energy of our collective worst fear (poor material circumstances). and also a hope that I/we will be able to pull ourselves out of those circumstances. these women would energetically be travelling with me.
Travel to the hostel went well. the street adjacent to the hostel has angled parking which makes it almost a parking lot. So I parked easily and as parking is free on Sundays I unloaded my stuff at my leisure. My hostel room is small. I don’t know if I can describe how small. It does give me an opportunity to exercise my creative organizing skill and almost brings a laugh.
Everything about the hostel is workable certainly far short of luxurious but workable. Maybe the most interesting part is that I really like the feel of the area. And what is particularly interesting is that my new downtown hood is home to an eclectic mix of office workers, tourists, hippies, homeless etc. and I love the atmosphere.
and i find that being in a new environment allows me to be much more observant in my “people watching”. all of my senses seem more highly attuned in this unfamiliar setting. for example when i step outside for a smoke and am joined by hostel staff or other guests i am intrigued by some of the comments re the street people who are our neighbors. so in a way it’s like i am doing a survey of how do i truly want to live. outside of the expectations by which i have always lived. i can feel myself going deeper into myself. i can feel that i’m allowing in more of my essence and eventually i’ll stabilize.
Several years ago i heard a channelled message that said that many of us would encounter breathing issues. For some reason that fact stayed with me and a few times over the years it would pop into my awareness and i would think gee i haven’t heard anyone speak about breathing issues.
A few years ago i found i was not inclined to walk very far. I became physically unbalanced and quite tired. Then one day while walking i noticed something changed in my breathing. It felt like i had just exhaled when previously i would have inhaled. After that this experience occurred from time to time and i noticed that walking up steep inclines even short steep inclines left me almost breathless.
last night falling off to sleep i noticed i was doing something different with my breath and it had something to do with energy. something about connecting my energy with my out breath rather than taking energy in with my in breath. i’ve been doing it backwards. and i sense that comes from being a sponge in my early years. previously i was absorbing from my environment rather than exhaling my energy into my environment.
Adamus popped in to remind me that he had taught shadhar (infusing objects with our breath to bring them to life). i sense this new breathing goes deeper than shadhar which involved objects that already exist. i feel sending or infusing our energy on our exhale is how we actually create things even objects. as jim self says an apple will simply appear in our hand.
what i experienced last night also had a sensation in my skeletal structure. like the large bones in the shoulders were involved. And dragons were in there too because my new exhales carry a sound like we’ve all done when we’re letting off steam 🙂
yesterday I accessed some very old compacted energy that was almost bitter tasting. a few minutes later I identified it as the energy of “I want”.
I had so suppressed my energy of “I want” that it was bitter and almost fermented. I have never allowed myself to truly feel “I want”. I have held myself back from success / achieving since age 6 and the stagnant energy is from wants / desires that I did not allow myself to pursue.
And in my back, behind where i sense / feel my stagnant energy, I can sometimes feel a vice like grip that is painful and that I have associated with many things. but just now I got that it is an aspect or part that I put in place to protect me by holding me back and not allowing me to pursue hopes and dreams. gawd that’s huge.
I’m hoping that now I can release it or embrace it or whatever the hell it is that we do with our aspects/parts.