“positive” traits in my shadow

i’m discovering that my shadow also includes some so-called “positive” traits.

i was an exuberant, feisty, carefree 3-5 year old who gave up these traits because they made the adults in my world uncomfortable. so i adopted more serious and responsible traits.

same with my self-confidence and “being full of myself” as my mother used to say and which the adults around me considered to be arrogrance, vanity and pride.

shadow work is helping me uncover my exuberant, carefree, confident self.

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coming out of denial

after decades of living in denial and running to new jobs, cities and relationships, 10 years ago i began to more and more cut off from myself until a couple of years later i was totally isolated.

that’s when i “heard” a message saying “stay put”. it appeared at first like i was to “stay put” geographically as my attempts to run repeatedly failed. Then i realised “stay put” also meant to face myself which i did for 5 years reading, journalling and watching videos and webinars. eventually i joined fb groups and webinars sometimes even braving video participation.

then a couple of years ago my higher self arranged a geographical move. this time to shared accommodation which has forced/allowed me to observe my behavior in relation to others. i feel like i’m dealing with an adolescent self who doesn’t understand how “real life” works. i have come to realise that i grew up with the trauma of emotional neglect which has only recently been acknowleged as a form of trauma so wasn’t covered in my years of counselling or self-help exploration.

as i was typing i had a realisation. my inner child is the one who never grew up, doesn’t feel confident in knowing “how the real world works”. she has been constantly overruled by my adult self who has required of her that she become serious rather than playful and do “work” and not “play” which feels like she was required to do things that her heart wasn’t in.

and my adult self lied to her telling her that someday she would be able to play, that she wouldn’t have to work “for ever”. but to a child years seem for ever. i thought i would be writing that i have to forgive my adult self and possibly i do for her lying tho i also need to thank her for keeping us safe.

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a couple of weeks ago i took part in a guided visualisation during which i resonated with what was referred to as a “MEDICINE WOMAN WOUND” especially the wound symptom of holding ourself back from sharing our wisdom because of a fear of misleading others.

as the visualisation progressed i made the connection that i was holding myself back from sharing my love due to the same fear of misleading others. i was shown a scene in which a young maiden was standing beside her father who appeared to be the leader of a small village or tribe. the maiden’s father had just been given an ultimatium by a horse mounted male authority which had to do with the male thinking the maiden had shown affection to the male and had arrived to claim the maiden for himself otherwise he would wreak havoc on the village/tribe. i sensed the maiden felt she had just been friendly same as she was friendly to members of her village but the authoritive male who was unaccoustomed to general friendliness had been mislead to believing that the maiden’s friendliness was directed at him personally.

at the same time i sensed there was a young male in the village/tribe that had been courting the maiden who was receptive to this courting. yet here was this authoritarian male come to claim the maiden for himself or he would wreak havoc on the village/tribe. and the maiden’s father said the decision of what to do was left up to the maiden. she could voluntarily agree to go off with this authoritarian male or have havoc wreaked upon her village/tribe. i wasn’t shown what decision the maiden made.

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placing the well-being of others before the well-being of myself

A friend of mine was surprised to find her people-pleasing “part” was draining her and did not have her best interests in mind, was in fact sacrificing her. this revelation led me to think about a “part” of mine which is/was not so much into people-pleasing but is/was into placing the well-being of others before the well-being of myself. this part felt i could not be happy or successful until others were happy & successful. i needed to help others become happy & successful before i could turn my energy & resources towards my own happiness & success. further exploration revealed i did this not only out of guilt and as a distraction from facing my own wants & needs but also because it served as a kind of false superiority allowing me to believe that i had something that others didn’t and that others needed. oh how arrogant. i was using “putting others first” as a way to feed my own ego. caring for others first allowed me to feel both responsible and resentful. feeling responsible led to me feeling capable which led to the arrogance. and so much effort required led to me feeling resentful because others were not progressing in the manner or at the speed that i wanted. so i blamed them for not having time or energy to meet my own wants & needs. hell after some time i forgot what my wants WERE. so many themes & emotions tied up in just one behavior /characteristic. wow.

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#7 excerpt from my book “oh, we should have told you”

My changed financial situation meant that it was time to say

Goodbye to the Cabin which led to the following poem:

Cabin you’ve been good for me

You’ve helped me listen, you’ve helped me see

Things out there beyond the walls

Walls of yours and walls of mine

Walls that frame us in space and time

You were old and I was new

Together we saw each other through

Sunny days and long cold nights

Star filled skies and Northern Lights

The rainbows came and then the swan

Frequently I was awake at dawn

Eager to see what each day would bring

Thrilled to hear the little birds sing

I’ve really enjoyed my time with you

I laughed, I cried, I danced, I grew

I’ll always remember your loving embrace

Though another home may take your place

We’ll each go on to other people and things

Remembering each other whatever life brings.

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#6 excerpt from my book “oh, we should have told you”

I learned that the investment in which I had placed the proceeds from the sale of my home had failed and that I therefore, basically had no money.

What am I to do about supporting myself financially?

Focus on remembering your dreams, while also taking action steps.

Do something if you are seriously playing this game.

This Game?

This Game of Life.

I have been reading about Putting out Intentions. Should I be doing this?

If you choose.

OK I will put out an Intention that I will receive some cash.

You can put out that Intention, but do you believe it?

I believe, that since I lost some money in a bad investment, that there’s some of “my cash” out there, so it would be Ok for me to ask for it back.

What if there was not any of “your cash” out there, would it still be OK to ask for some?

You find that question more difficult do you not? 

Overcoming a sense of not deserving is really hard.

There is enough for everyone, so you can receive everything you want.

There are resources out there that you are not even aware of, so maintain faith.

Set your Intention on creating a life that incorporates all of the things that are important to you.

At the same time, intend that you will allow as much of your old stuff as possible to clear.

This is how you create a balanced life.

Why do I have so much trouble coming up with the answers as to what I want?

Time and money.

You tell yourself that you do not have enough of either and so you hold yourself back from even thinking about doing things or of having things.

You have blocked yourself from admitting what you want.

You have held yourself back from enjoying life.

How do I change this?

You start believing that you deserve to have good things happen in your life.

Ask us for help. We can only help you when you ask.

Thank You that many of the things that I ask for have been working out.

But you ask for so little. We can help you even more if you ask.

Many of the previous things that you have asked for and received could be considered small things by some people’s standards. Yet they are miracles.

And miracles are miracles. Once you begin shopping in the Store of Miracles, you are at least in the right store.

Also remain aware of situations. Attracting situations is a part of manifesting, so you do not always need to be directing the movie, especially in the early stages when you are still learning. It is true that the clearer you are, the clearer will be the situations that you attract.

What part am I to play in all of this?

You need only to get clear about what it is that you want and very clear that you deserve it.

Trust that you will be provided for, not necessarily taken care of, but provided for.

If you desire a job, one will be provided for you.

Would a job interfere with my time with you guys?

Only if you allow it. If you set this time with us as a priority, it will be provided.

Your Belief Systems are like computers. They rely on what you feed into them.

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#5 excerpt from “oh, we should have told you”

I had now spent enough time by myself, to have allowed my mental dialogue to quiet to the point where I could actually hear both sides of this dialogue. It was like one part of my mind was talking to another part of my mind.

Slowly, this listening to both sides of my mental dialogue and my Journal writing started to blend. I would write a question, like “What am I to do next?” and then write the response that came to me. Many of these responses surprised me.

Some people might question where these responses were coming from. I chose not to question, just to listen and to write. Some of these “conversations” went like this:

I feel like I’m reaching deep inside of myself for something.

You are reaching inside of yourself for Clarity.

Clarity about what?

About yourself.

What about myself?

That you have forgotten how to be happy and joyful and trusting.

How do I get that back?

By remembering to laugh and to play. And to clean up your life.

What does that mean to clean up my life?

It means that you are carrying pain and anger in your body. That needs to be released.

How do I do that?

You know how to do that. Move around, cry, shout, laugh.

What is the significance of the double numbers (11:11 and 12:12) that I seem to see frequently on the clock and that I feel I respond to?

They are reminders for you

Reminders of what?

Reminders that you are connected to us. That we are here for you. That we have messages for you.

Can you tell me what the messages are?

That we love you. That we want what is best for you. That we are offering you encouragement.

Also to remind you to listen for the Messages. And to ask for the messages.

I am finding this whole process rather confusing.

We are pleased that you are beginning to learn to sit through your confusion, without rushing off to look for answers from others. Yes, you are still searching for answers in books, but in books we can guide you to certain ideas. With other people, their script may interfere with yours and you may not be able to discern that in a way that is healthy.

Why am I thinking of releasing the computer that my friend gave me, when I have never even hooked it up?

Because it is electronic.

So ?

It is important at the moment, for you to have direct hands on experience, like writing with a pen as it is in the physical writing that we are best able to communicate with you.

Am I making progress here?

Yes, you are making progress. We know that you are reviewing past mistakes, but those were lessons. They were painful in many ways, but they were lessons that you chose, or that you needed. It is true that you have tended to create some

precarious situations both financially and emotionally. It is also true that these experiences are leading you deeper into yourself. You are letting go of Self Pity. You are learning to release mental anguish and pretense. You are learning to release judgment or at least to be conscious of it when you have it. These are major steps.

These major steps resulted in me beginning to feel uncomfortable in social situations. Shortly after arriving at some gathering, I would feel like going home. As it was winter time I told myself that if I left the cabin fire unattended for too long a period of time that the cabin temperature would be unbearable upon my return. But I knew that it was more than that. I had dropped many of my defenses and my pretenses and I had not yet put anything in their place. I felt like a crustacean that had shed its shell.

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#4 excerpt from “oh, we should have told you”

My reading of Self Help and Personal Growth books evolved into me reading books about Spirituality. This led me to deeper thinking and also to some confusion about what appeared to be discrepancies.

On the one hand during my Practicum for the Group Home job, I had spent time at each of the three houses that the Agency operated. I had then “decided on” the house I wanted and I had gotten a position at that house. So weren’t these Spiritual books saying that that meant I had been putting out my Intention and seeing it manifest? So how come I wasn’t still at that job?

On the other hand, I remembered the time that I had looked at the yellow and green tile counter top in my kitchen and knew that it had to go. Having neither a plan nor a budget, I just started the dismantling. Then one of my Real Estate clients was moving from a house that had been bought by a developer and the client’s house was to be destroyed. The updated kitchen cabinets from the client’s house had fitted into my kitchen like they had been custom made. 

When I read about Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) I thought about the first time that I had flown into Mexico. As the plane was descending, I had suddenly had a horrendous headache, which was surprising as I am not generally prone to headaches. But across my brow there was a line like a headband of points that felt like they might burst. The pressure/pain was one of the most intense I have ever felt. I remembered how I had leaned forward and instinctively tapped along my brow. At the time I had no idea why that suggestion came to me. Now I’m wondering if my body had some memory that prompted me to tap along my brow.

As I was reading about Creative Visualization, I gasped as I remembered the day that I had decided to teach myself to ride a bicycle. A friend of my brother’s had left his bike leaning against our barn. A perfect opportunity.

I had known that in order to gain my balance, it would be necessary to attain a certain amount of speed. The road in front of my parents’ farm was paved, and went gently downhill from our driveway. I figured that should take care of gaining the speed, but what to do about the fact that I didn’t know how to make the bike stop? I had decided that I would pull into the driveway of a neighboring farm just before the road went into a steep turn. I figured that when I stopped pedaling, the bike would coast to a standstill.

I got up on the bike and pushed off. After a couple of wiggles, the bike and I were upright. Soon however, I realized, that the bike was picking up speed much faster than I had anticipated. I had a fleeting moment of panic and then somehow I knew to keep picturing the bike and myself safely pulling into that driveway and coasting to a stop just as I had envisioned. So had I actually “known” about Creative Visualization as a kid?

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#3 excerpt from “oh, we should have told you”

I had never been much of a television watcher and now between sky gazing, watching the wildlife, chopping firewood and driving to a nearby marina for laundry and groceries, I seldom even followed the news. Friends chastised me saying that it was important that we all know what is going in the world. 

When I told them that I sometimes watched Royal Canadian Air Farce or This Hour has 22 Minutes, they expressed concern that I wasn’t getting the facts. I countered that maybe I was.

As the cabin was not really winterized I would need a lot of firewood for the stove that provided the main source of heating. So I ordered the firewood and headed out to the hardware store to buy myself an axe.

Upon finding the axe aisle my eyes were immediately drawn to a pretty axe with a red head and a yellow handle. But noticing that there seemed to be a surprisingly large selection of axes I spent some time trying to figure out why there were so many.

Deciding that the axes came in different handle lengths and various axe head weights I tried several until I felt I knew which handle length and head weight was right for me. Then I went back to the pretty one that had first caught my eye. Yup perfect handle length and head weight for me.

I had developed bursitis in my right shoulder and could barely move my arm away from my body. Though the pain was bearable, the inconvenience was enormous. Heating the cabin required two or three large armloads of firewood each day.

Having only one functioning arm meant carrying in the firewood one piece at a time which stretched a 5 minute job into almost an hour as part of the process was putting down the one piece of firewood, to open the heavy sliding glass door, which had to be closed between each trip in order to prevent having rodents as roommates.

A woman I had recently met had come by for a visit. As she was preparing to leave, I was thinking that the logical thing to do was to ask her to carry in an armload of firewood for me. My conditioning said, “But you have just met her, but she may not want to carry in firewood, but she’s not really dressed for the job, etc. “

When I finally asked her if she would carry in the firewood, she said of course. Later I thought, no wonder my life has tended to be difficult at times. I have been operating under the illusion that I have to do everything for myself.

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#1 excerpt from “oh, we should have told you”

via #1 excerpt from “oh, we should have told you”

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