on the small island where i live it is common for people to have roadside stands at the end of their driveway. stands where they sell surplus fruit & veggies from their garden.
today i discovered a stand selling roses.
which is a treat not only because it’s difficult to keep the deer from eating the roses.
but also a treat because these were those old roses that are ever so fragrant.
the stand sign said $5 for the roses and please don’t take the glass jar (the stands are on the honor system which is also lovely to experience).
a look in my wallet showed i didn’t have $5. smallest bill was a $10.
hmm what to do.
because i really wanted the deep crimson ones that were really, really fragrant.
then i noticed one empty jar so looked for the $5 for the roses that been removed.
no $s in sight. which may have meant that someone helped themselves or more likely that someone also didn’t have $5 and intended to drop the $5 another time.
which i also considered doing but didn’t feel 100% right about 2 of us doing it the same day.
then i thought well do a version of pay it forward. you have $10. that’s the price of the 2 missing bunches. when the owner makes the trek down the driveway all will be well.
and here’s the weird part.
as i reached into my wallet to take out the $10 suddenly the bills felt unreal. like monopoly money.
and i truly got how it’s all a game!
the money isn’t “real”. o
I have started visitations from dead people i have known.
it started in the fall with a visitation from a friend’s hubby (3 days after he had died) saying he was scared and could i help him.
i asked if he could see a path. (something i had read about dreamwalking the dead).
can’t remember his answer but i remember i said i would help as long as i could keep one foot on the ground. so i braced one foot against the side of a cliff and reached up my hand to give him a boost and said words to the effect of . off you go.
then at xmas time i was trying to ignite the fire with embers from the night before. i had the thought to put on one piece of kindling then debated and tossed it on against my “better judgement”.
at which point my deceased father showed up to say “i see you’ve decided to adopt the ways of your mother’s people” (my dad had always felt that my mother’s lineage went back to a local native band).
and just recently i had a visitation from the deceased parents of my ex-hubby. the dad asking me to pass on a message to his son my ex.
new experiences for me.
i’ve long been aware of coming from “out there” to “in here” as i wake.
and i have consciously lengthened the time i take coming from one to the other.
this morning i was also aware of an “in between”.
and that “in between” was i guess a version of the near earth realms because i felt a fear thought incoming, asked do i want to feel this, no.
so i moved past it.
then i felt confused energy and i thought oh shit is it going to be one of those “feel weird and a bit off” days.
it took longer to pull myself out of that energy than to skip past the fear thought but eventually i pulled out of it.
i was sitting on my gravel patio thinking hmmm quite a few weeds are taking root guess i’ll need to pull a few.
then i noticed that some of the weeds are wildflowers not sure what they’re called but they have a nice silvery gray leaf cluster base and produce a tall pink blossom. and about 7 or 8 of them were in a perfectly straight line about 2 inches in from the edge of the patio.
so i thought i’ll leave those and let them flower. they’ll be cute.
then i noticed that on the other side of the concrete patio edge little yellow blooms were peeking over. they were also a wildflower weed i think called broom. and they were perfectly aligned with the to-be-pink plants. and i thought oh wow. i’ll have a pink & yellow hedge along 7 or 8 feet of my patio border. what fun.
well today i was sitting on the patio and thought something’s different. hmmm.
then i noticed the yellow bloom plants were missing. i know some people consider them evil weeds that spread like crazy but really this is bush country. no one has a cultivated garden.
a friend suggested maybe the deer ate them.
just looked over the railing at where the largest broom plant used to be. there’s a hole so it was uprooted and carried off. i’m suspecting by a human dear.
it’s amazing how quickly things pass at the moment.
i spent a few hours being disappointed & pissed.
then moved on to questioning whether or not i would just can the whole project and also remove the pink plants because i will have tons of them on the other side of the railing. it was the combo of the pink & yellow that i had envisioned.
haven’t decided 100% but that’s a strong possibility.
During my newfound “thinking time” my daughter graduated from university and I thought of the parents of a friend of my daughter, who many times during my years as a single parent, had taken my daughter to their summer place for much of her school summer holidays.
Only now was I realizing what a major factor that had been in both my life and my daughter’s life. I sat down and wrote a Thank You letter to these friends.
That one Thank You letter led me to remember many other people who had gone out of their way to help my children and I.
It also led me to the realization that for many years I had been so focused on the people who had not helped me, that I had not fully appreciated the many people who had helped me.
Then the questions started.
Had my life in fact been rather easy and I had been an ungrateful complainer?
Would I come to realize that I had been responsible for missing joy and happiness that I could have had?
My reading of Self Help and Personal Growth books evolved into me reading books about Spirituality. This led me to deeper thinking and also to some confusion about what appeared to be discrepancies.
On the one hand during my Practicum for the Group Home job, I had spent time at each of the three houses that the Agency operated.
I had then “decided on” the house I wanted and I had gotten a position at that house.
So weren’t these Spiritual books saying that meant I had been putting out my Intention and seeing it manifest?
So how come I wasn’t still at that job?
On the other hand, I remembered the time that I had looked at the yellow and green tile counter top in my kitchen and knew that it had to go.
Having neither a plan nor a budget, I just started the dismantling.
Then one of my Real Estate clients was moving from a house that had been bought by a developer and the client’s house was to be destroyed.
The updated kitchen cabinets from the client’s house had fitted into my kitchen like they had been custom made.
for the longest time i flip-flopped between “my soul is in charge” and “i am in charge”.
now i interpret it that soul & i are accompanying each other on 2 journeys.
soul is joining me in “my reality” and soul would like me to join it on “it’s journey”.
so there would be times when soul has more influence and times when i have more influence.
and we create everything.
it’s just us in different forms. perhaps as our soul, past-lives or aspects.
sometimes one part of us doesn’t like what another part has created.
so our focus is best placed on integration rather on creation.
cos when we’re totally integrated then we will like all of our creations.