oh-we-should-have-told-you

memory from (june 2, 2013)

soon it will be 48 hours since i arrived at my “summer place”

…. a few notes re that experience …..

I had a beautiful trip here. (tho no dolphins during the ferry ride this time)

arrived at my new digs to find that the previous tenant had done some furniture re-arranging and cleared out the outside sitting area. each major improvements !

but the place is filthy (even by MY standards ) and nothing has been taken care of !!!

in my first few hours here I have unplugged the bathroom sink, got the oven operating by replacing the fuses and currently have the burner drip-pans soaking to remove the burned- on tin foil !

in between these chores I sit outside and revel in the absolute beauty.

I’m thinking that the suite sensed my comparison of inside and outside

and showed her hurt by locking me out this morning when I went for my first smoke.

I had closed the door not realizing it was one of those passage locks or whatever they’re called.

so there I was at 5:30 in the morning locked out of my place. fortunately I had my first morning coffee with me.

several cigarettes and a couple of pees in the bushes later,

the guys upstairs woke and one of them was able to open the kitchen window.

GRATEFUL !

the previous tenant also left a few planters some of which are empty so soon i’ll be able to get to my gardening.

the grocery store is working well. I have experienced really good veggie salad and chilli. woohoo !

I haven’t yet organized stuff to cook as there are no cooking things here that I would use.

the grocery store was able to provide a new frying pan and an aluminum foil tray that will be ok for oven use.

so I can soon start to cook.

especially once I defrost the freezer which is one-half the size it is supposed to be. the other half being occupied by frost !!

HOWEVER the outside is absolutely stunning especially now that I am able to sit out there.

not really good for sun-bathing but I think I can fix-up something up by where I park my car.

there may be stuff that i’m forgetting but life has been FULL !

i woke thinking about how some people in the spiritual community have been replacing the term higher self with highest self

in my opinion, these terms imply 2 different meanings

higher self is a part of us, part of our multi-dimensional being. maybe our connection to source

whereas, highest self is a version of us, maybe a version of our ego personality

I learned that the investment in which I had placed the
proceeds from the sale of my home, had failed and that I
therefore, basically had no money.
What am I to do about supporting myself financially?
Focus on remembering your dreams, while also taking action
steps. Do something if you are seriously playing this game.
This Game?
This Game of Life.
I have been reading about Putting out Intentions. Should I be
doing this?
If you choose.
OK I will put out an Intention that I will receive some cash.
You can put out that Intention, but do you believe it?
I believe, that since I lost some money in a bad investment,
that there’s some of “my cash” out there, so it would be Ok for
me to ask for it back.
What if there was not any of “your cash” out there, would it
still be OK to ask for some? You find that question more
difficult do you not?
Overcoming a sense of not deserving is really hard.
There is enough for everyone, so you can receive everything
you want.
There are resources out there that you are not even aware of,
so maintain faith.
Set your Intention on creating a life, that incorporates all of
the things that are important to you.
At the same time, intend that you will allow as much of your
old stuff as possible to clear.
This is how you create a balanced life.
.

I live in an apartment building where the laundry room has
two washers and two dryers. I had gone down to do a load of
laundry. When I opened the laundry room door I saw several
piles of clothes on the tables beside the machines and I could
hear a dryer running. I decided to leave my load of laundry
and come back later.
As I was putting my laundry on the table next to the
washers, I noticed a “machine broken” sign.
Ah – one washer is broken and the clothes on that table were
in the washer when it broke.
Ah – and the second washer is actually available.
Then I checked the 2 piles by the dryer.
Ah – they’re each already dry. I looked closely at the dryers
and I saw that only one dryer was running and the other one
was empty.
So actually, in the midst of all of that chaos, there was one
washer and one dryer available for my one load of laundry.
That possibility had never entered my mind when I first opened
the Laundry Room door. In fact I wasn’t able to let the
possibility in, until I had decided to “put down my own load.”

i’ve always been afraid of grief, afraid that if i let myself cry, i wouldn’t be able to stop crying.

i dredged up a memory of being 3 years old and witnessing my parents dealing with the situation, where a friend of my father had drowned when the 2 men were fishing.

i remember my parents, neighbors and the police, standing in the kitchen of our farmhouse, dealing with practical issues/logistics, like who to contact,

while the wife of the drowned man, sat alone in the next room wailing, with her son in her lap.

it caused confusion in me.

Because my survival depended on family loyalty, it made me fearful of emotions.

that’s where i learned to fear grief.

about 6 years ago, i got a new neighbor whose thinking & behavior was so different than mine, that i viewed her with almost disdain. over the course of the next year i was surprised at how much arrogance i dropped as i got to know her.

then i moved and got a new neighbor, who had much lower financial means than i. so i offered to share some of my things. as we went along, i noticed that i liked to control what, where, when & how i shared. that i was not being generous from compassion, rather for the satisfaction and sense of superiority it gave me.

a friend and i drove to a small provincial park which borders the city where we live. while the view from the parking spot was lovely, we decided to hike the short (but steep) distance to the 360 degree lookout at the top.

just before the half-way point of this maybe 400 meter hike, i needed to stop to catch my breath. i thought ok the incline is steep, i have inappropriate footwear and i haven’t really been hiking recently.

but just before we reached the summit i was nearly overcome by a wave of something that was so strong, i literally reached out to a waist high rock ledge and said to my companion, you go on ahead i just need to sit here for a bit. it wasn’t about catching my breath. it was almost an “i can’t go on” feeling.

As i rested against the rock ledge the words “i can’t go on” had a tag-on of “can’t go on further or higher”. my companion said, i’ll wait for you. we are so close. it’s right there. And on we went.

A jolt went through me as i stepped onto the little platform at the pinnacle and heard my companion say it’s like those places where they used to do sacrifices.

(from my 1996 journal)

I was in my bed in a one bedroom cabin, when I “heard” footsteps in the living room. I was more intrigued than frightened, focusing on how could someone be where I pictured this person, as to be in that place one would need to have entered via the kitchen, which was virtually impossible, as the kitchen was backed up against a rock wall.

So while I remained intrigued, the “person” advanced around the fireplace in the centre of the living room and headed towards my bedroom.

When I felt the “person” by my pillow (which was right inside the doorway of my small bedroom) I panicked for a moment thinking, sh*t Sharon what have you done, now there’s no way for you to escape, as the bedroom window did not open and the “person” was blocking the doorway.

Then I sensed that the “person” was a former romantic partner (who had in fact spent time in that bedroom with me) and I relaxed. “person” then walked along the side of my bed and came to a stop at the foot of the bed, asking if he could get into bed with me, he may even have said “just to cuddle” because i had the strong sense that we were discussing comfort not sex. I said “Yes X you can”.

So X climbed into bed behind me and snuggled up. As I was drifting off to sleep, I felt like X merged into me, behind my heart. My mind did kind of a “huh should I be afraid here”? but the rest of me felt relaxed so I went to sleep.”

yesterday I felt that I received a huge “infusion of light”

which felt different than previous “energetic downloads”

tho I’m not sure I can describe the difference

the “infusion of light” seemed to simply flow into my cells

and I felt to simply lie still and receive . to luxuriate

previous “energetic downloads” seemed to feel as tho they

required . or asked for. interpretation, as part of being received

of course, it’s possible that it is I, who has changed

and I can still feel some of yesterday’s “infusion of light” waiting to be absorbed or released thru my feet, which is where it seemed to end up yesterday.

when i want to do something but can’t bring myself to do it, i consciously sit and allow my 2 “sides” to have a conversation. my “i want” side and my “i don’t want” side.

eventually the 2 sides come to an agreement, sometimes a compromise, sometimes a totally different solution. and the good news is the “conversation” takes less time as we go along.

some of the early conversations are actually humorous to remember. for example one time i walked by a sink full of dirty dishes and thought i really should wash those but i didn’t want to. eventually one part of me said “we aren’t going to wash the dishes, we’re only going to stack them”. this involved taking the dishes out of the sink and sorting them into piles – plates, bowls, cutlery etc. then i sat for a while.

then the part said “we aren’t going to wash the dishes, we’re only going to put them to soak”. that involved filling the sink with hot soapy water and putting in the dishes.

step-by-step until eventually the dishes got washed, without my “i-don’t-side” rebelling.

i have since read of others’ experiences doing “parts work”. my experience was that as i went along, i wasn’t always able to differentiate my “parts/sides”. maybe what happened is, as i got into deeper subjects than washing dishes. into conversations about values or beliefs, i sometimes forgot that only a part of me felt that way or believed that, because it sure felt like 100% of me.