journal excerpt from 2016

(background) Early in 2016, my son returned from 13 years in asia, in a state of total distress. His job was finished, as was his marriage and he was devastated. For a couple of months he crashed on my sofa, before managing to get himself a job on the rural island on which i live. A rural island with no public transportation, so my son was using my car to get to work.

yesterday my son had gone to work an hour earlier than the previous day. he started work at 8 expected to finish at 4 and be home at 4;30.

I intended to go grocery shopping when he got home, both because we were low on groceries and because I was getting cabin fever. having my car available has always been huge to me. even if it sits in the driveway for a week without me using it. I like to know that it’s there, if I want it.

I went about my day, looking forward to my outing at 4:30.

4:30 came and went. as did 5:00. it’s amazing how much I worked thru between 4:30 and when he arrived at maybe 5:30.

I have been feeling his energy over the past 2 days he has been at work. and I know it’s a big adjustment to go from resting mega hours, to now being out in the world, in a strange environment and doing some physical labor. so part of what I felt was re him. all the way from he’ll be tired, possibly he’s driving someone home, maybe he has made a friend.

then I countered with thoughts re me. well, it’s all well and good that he’s a kind person and possibly driving someone home or is enjoying himself with a friend. but what about me. how inconsiderate is this of me who wants to go out. I even got to I’m stuck here in the house with the food and the dishes. possibly some parallel lives/wives at play.

then I remembered that a couple of days earlier i had once again had a problem with the ignition in my car. from time to time the key won’t turn. if it still doesn’t work after a few tries I have found that switching to the extra set of keys usually works. the extra set of keys that I keep in my wallet. and I realised that my son didn’t have that option. so then I thought oh shit. how horrible to finish work be looking forward to coming home, only to find your car won’t start.

so basically I probably covered every grievance and every concern I have ever had in a relationship with my children or my partners. all in just one hour.