oh-we-should-have-told-you

i’ve always been afraid of grief, afraid that if i let myself cry, i wouldn’t be able to stop crying.

i dredged up a memory of being 3 years old and witnessing my parents dealing with the situation, where a friend of my father had drowned when the 2 men were fishing.

i remember my parents, neighbors and the police, standing in the kitchen of our farmhouse, dealing with practical issues/logistics, like who to contact,

while the wife of the drowned man, sat alone in the next room wailing, with her son in her lap.

it caused confusion in me.

Because my survival depended on family loyalty, it made me fearful of emotions.

that’s where i learned to fear grief.

about 6 years ago, i got a new neighbor whose thinking & behavior was so different than mine, that i viewed her with almost disdain. over the course of the next year i was surprised at how much arrogance i dropped as i got to know her.

then i moved and got a new neighbor, who had much lower financial means than i. so i offered to share some of my things. as we went along, i noticed that i liked to control what, where, when & how i shared. that i was not being generous from compassion, rather for the satisfaction and sense of superiority it gave me.

a friend and i drove to a small provincial park which borders the city where we live. while the view from the parking spot was lovely, we decided to hike the short (but steep) distance to the 360 degree lookout at the top.

just before the half-way point of this maybe 400 meter hike, i needed to stop to catch my breath. i thought ok the incline is steep, i have inappropriate footwear and i haven’t really been hiking recently.

but just before we reached the summit i was nearly overcome by a wave of something that was so strong, i literally reached out to a waist high rock ledge and said to my companion, you go on ahead i just need to sit here for a bit. it wasn’t about catching my breath. it was almost an “i can’t go on” feeling.

As i rested against the rock ledge the words “i can’t go on” had a tag-on of “can’t go on further or higher”. my companion said, i’ll wait for you. we are so close. it’s right there. And on we went.

A jolt went through me as i stepped onto the little platform at the pinnacle and heard my companion say it’s like those places where they used to do sacrifices.

(from my 1996 journal)

I was in my bed in a one bedroom cabin, when I “heard” footsteps in the living room. I was more intrigued than frightened, focusing on how could someone be where I pictured this person, as to be in that place one would need to have entered via the kitchen, which was virtually impossible, as the kitchen was backed up against a rock wall.

So while I remained intrigued, the “person” advanced around the fireplace in the centre of the living room and headed towards my bedroom.

When I felt the “person” by my pillow (which was right inside the doorway of my small bedroom) I panicked for a moment thinking, sh*t Sharon what have you done, now there’s no way for you to escape, as the bedroom window did not open and the “person” was blocking the doorway.

Then I sensed that the “person” was a former romantic partner (who had in fact spent time in that bedroom with me) and I relaxed. “person” then walked along the side of my bed and came to a stop at the foot of the bed, asking if he could get into bed with me, he may even have said “just to cuddle” because i had the strong sense that we were discussing comfort not sex. I said “Yes X you can”.

So X climbed into bed behind me and snuggled up. As I was drifting off to sleep, I felt like X merged into me, behind my heart. My mind did kind of a “huh should I be afraid here”? but the rest of me felt relaxed so I went to sleep.”

yesterday I felt that I received a huge “infusion of light”

which felt different than previous “energetic downloads”

tho I’m not sure I can describe the difference

the “infusion of light” seemed to simply flow into my cells

and I felt to simply lie still and receive . to luxuriate

previous “energetic downloads” seemed to feel as tho they

required . or asked for. interpretation, as part of being received

of course, it’s possible that it is I, who has changed

and I can still feel some of yesterday’s “infusion of light” waiting to be absorbed or released thru my feet, which is where it seemed to end up yesterday.

when i want to do something but can’t bring myself to do it, i consciously sit and allow my 2 “sides” to have a conversation. my “i want” side and my “i don’t want” side.

eventually the 2 sides come to an agreement, sometimes a compromise, sometimes a totally different solution. and the good news is the “conversation” takes less time as we go along.

some of the early conversations are actually humorous to remember. for example one time i walked by a sink full of dirty dishes and thought i really should wash those but i didn’t want to. eventually one part of me said “we aren’t going to wash the dishes, we’re only going to stack them”. this involved taking the dishes out of the sink and sorting them into piles – plates, bowls, cutlery etc. then i sat for a while.

then the part said “we aren’t going to wash the dishes, we’re only going to put them to soak”. that involved filling the sink with hot soapy water and putting in the dishes.

step-by-step until eventually the dishes got washed, without my “i-don’t-side” rebelling.

i have since read of others’ experiences doing “parts work”. my experience was that as i went along, i wasn’t always able to differentiate my “parts/sides”. maybe what happened is, as i got into deeper subjects than washing dishes. into conversations about values or beliefs, i sometimes forgot that only a part of me felt that way or believed that, because it sure felt like 100% of me.

(Quote) let’s say you think you’re writing a book about beauty and you find yourself writing about something ugly and you say “Well this isn’t right, this is not what I’m supposed to be writing. I have to stop this.” Then you are interfering with your own divine flow. You’re constricting the energies and you’re going to find that things in your life get uncomfortable. The difficulties or discomfort may not seem to be directly related, but they will be because everything in you and in your life, is very interconnected.

… when I was writing the book Oh We Should Have Told You which I published, I had a strong nudge that I would be better served to write a different book. One that involved experiences from my childhood, marriages etc. but I thought No I can’t write about those experiences because I want to publish a book and I could not publish a book about those experiences because others involved would be embarrassed. And even though I channeled that I could receive help with the writing so that others would not be embarrassed, I insisted on continuing with the book “I” wanted and I ran out of steam. Had someone not stepped in to help me, my book may never have gotten published AND now I am seeing that writing the other book would have helped me make connections that I still allowing myself to make years later. And yes I cut off my flow during that time and yup challenging times followed.

I connected with an aspect who said “I want to be of service”
I thought, oh wow that’s interesting.
time to think of more than myself, maybe.
but as a couple of days passed, I realised this was an aspect that had been holding back my strong emotions .
and as I was now in the process of accessing these emotions
this aspect was actually negotiating to keep her old job.
being of service . to me . by holding back my emotions.
she was my little “let’s not go there” aspect

in feb 2010, during my son’s visit from japan, we had made an appointment to have the muffler of my car checked during an oil change. my son drops me & the car off and walks to another errand.

i notice the owner/manager of the car repair place is like a butterfly, flitting around making a comment here, a comment there. from time to time he glances at me sitting in the waiting area corner, he makes comments in general, tho the occasional one somewhat directed at me and i respond in kind (general chit-chat).

i notice that the guy is becoming quite hyper and is beginning to use words like “out in the ethers” and other phrases, to the point where i think just tilt one more degree buddy and you’ll be speaking “spiritual lingo”.

then the my son arrives, the mechanic appears after having examined my car. suddenly there are several conversations taking place at once. the owner/manager is getting more worked up and intense. and is still directing his words in my direction. i basically tune out his words and just sit there breathing until i get this nudge to glance in my son’s direction. sure enough, my son has turned away from the mechanic that he was talking with and is looking at owner/manager. and my son’s whole body-language is saying, just tilt one more degree and i will need to say hey buddy that’s my mother you’re talking to. i just keep breathing and emanating calm.

the owner/manager’s words change and now instead of expressing anger that customers would question his suggestions or diagnosis, he’s expressing pain about how he takes pride in his work, puts his heart & soul into things and finds it quite painful that the majority of people think that he’s one step up from a snake.

i say yes i guess that’s true, many people see you right up there with used car salesmen and lawyers. at that point owner/manager grabs a notepad and comes to sit beside me and starts quoting from memory the suggestions and prices that the mechanic had given and basically ended up offering me a price of $600 for a $900 package.

during my sleep, i was asking or being asked, if i could see myself with a romantic partner. i felt a couple of my non-physical friends around, but they weren’t helping a lot. it was like a movie started in my head. a review of several romantic relationships i had been involved in and some new insights, not all of them favorable to me.  

i asked if i was integrating an aspect, because it didn’t really feel like an aspect, as usually aspects seem to come with some aha or knowing about what caused them. i guess their story. one of the non-physicals said aspects are or can be thought-forms and that’s what i had transmuted. a thought-form. 

at some point, it got to how one of my romantic attractions had actually been obsessive, and i also saw that it was that same obsessive energy, that was in my over-mothering of my son. 

i woke in the morning, so f’ing stiff especially my lower back, and more physical pain than i have felt in ages. i then spent 3 days unravelling or shedding more energy of obsessive attachment.

i was surprised to see how over-attachment in parent-child, sometimes shows up as obsessive in romantic or vice versa.