oh-we-should-have-told-you

over the past few weeks I have been feeling a desire to have a new bathing suit. I’m not sure why as I seldom wear one. anyway a few days ago 2 friends and I were walking home from lunch and we passed a nice looking bathing suit store and in we went. I chose a pretty one with bead work that I liked and went to try it on totally ignoring its design.

when I looked in the mirror my eyes opened wide at the image of my current body encased in a “standard design” bathing suit. this was not a case of looking like I had “put on a few pounds”. my Buddha belly was fully protruded from the large lunch and I looked like a frog. a big fat mamma frog !!

what I loved was that I found the image so ridiculous that I pulled back the dressing room curtain to model for my friends and the saleswoman. all of whom went scurrying to find bathing suits designed with figure flattering skirts 🙂 fortunately they found one that I really like. it’s like a mini sundress with a built-in bodice .. rather than a frog I now look like a chubby pre-teen 🙂 … now all I need is mary-jane flip-flops 🙂

I decided to walk to the neighborhood London Drugs for some items. As I was preparing to leave my apt, I saw some “2 for 1” coupons from McDonalds which is next door to London Drugs. I don’t think I can remember the last time I was in a McDonald’s, yet I felt nudged to slip these coupons into my pocket. I then found myself walking directly to McDonalds and ordering 2 Big Mac dinners to go.

I was waiting for the dinners to be delivered to me, and asking myself, what was I going to do with 2 McDonald dinners, when my bag of food arrived. As I turned around with the bag of food in my hand, one of the small tables emptied, so I went and sat down and began opening the bag of food. As I did so, I became aware of a man with the appearance of a homeless or street person sitting beside me, nursing a coffee.

I heard myself asking him if he had had his dinner. He said no, he hadn’t. So I said, well now I know why I ordered 2 dinners, and I set out a dinner for each of us. Once our dinners were set out, we each read our paper and ate our dinner with no more interaction with each other.

As I was leaving, the man said Thank You and gave me the most grateful smile. I walked away thinking of the perfection, that he was there at that time, that I ordered 2 dinners, that the table beside him was the one that became available etc.

I also thought of the flip side, of him sitting there hungry, smelling the food, and then being presented with a dinner. And I thought of how I want to remember this, at times when I’m sitting somewhere, wondering how I am going to receive something that I would like to have. That maybe at that very moment, there is someone walking towards me with the very piece that I am missing.

I discovered that “would-be thieves” had been in my car but had been unable to steal it. I was grateful that the car hadn’t been stolen, grateful that the car would still start despite the gearbox having been tampered with and grateful that the registration papers had been left on the floor of the car.

But I was in shock at the condition of the car’s interior and amazed at how much this affected me. Emotional reactions that started with how could I have been so Trusting and so Foolish as to leave my garage unlocked (though my car had been safe for 18 months in this unlocked garage).

Then came guilt, as my car has served me well since I bought it several years earlier and it has been with me essentially through my whole Spiritual Journey. In fact it has in many ways been The Constant through my Journey. And during a few times of precarious financial choices, I had promised myself that I would not jeopardize losing it.

What to do next? The car’s interior now felt to be “below the standard” of what I was allowing myself to believe that I deserved. I have not been very conscientious about cleaning the car’s interior over the years and I have smoked in it, so this vandalism damage really tipped the scales.

And I was “responsible” for the car now being in this condition, I was the one who had left the garage unlocked.

I fluctuated, should I investigate getting a new car at a time when I was unemployed? Would I even be able to buy a new car at this time?

One day I got the Knowing that I could drive to the GM dealer and arrange for a new car lease or purchase. That seemed to release my fear that maybe purchasing another car was not an option at this time.

The next day my environmentalist side kicked in with: but the exterior of your car is fine, doesn’t even look like an older car. So why would you consider replacing it?

I decided to go slowly, get the interior fixed, see how it looked and then decide.

When I went to pick up my car after the repair, there it was sitting sparkling in the sunshine. “You’ve washed my car!” I exclaimed. “Yep, inside and out”, said the man. And sure enough they had even shampooed the interior.

I couldn’t believe how excited I was to have my car back.

I had gone to the beach and sat for a time on a bench taking in the natural beauty. Then I had the thought to lie down, so I stretched out on the grass in front of the bench. After I had made myself comfortable, I gazed out at the water, the mountains and the trees, and I thought “This is Heaven.” Almost immediately I heard harp music !

As I was congratulating myself on how my imagination had increased, I thought “that isn’t your imagination”. So, I looked up and Sure Enough, behind the bench, there was a guy playing a huge harp.

Later as I was telling a neighbor about saying “This is Heaven” and then hearing the harp music, my neighbor was kind enough (or not) to point out, that it was unfortunate that I hadn’t said that I felt like a millionaire.

I thank you mom I thank you dad

I’m sorry for the lives that you each had

The times were hard as we each know

Wishing it were different won’t make it so

Or maybe it will if we realize

It’s time and mistakes that make us wise

We do the best that we can as things unfold

Only later do we see a better way

We wish we’d acted differently way back then

But that’s the lesson we’ve come here to learn

It’s the regrets we have that help us change

Everything else we do the same

recently i unearthed a memory from my days as an elementary school student. we children played softball on a part of the school grounds that was bordered by a street with no fence in between.

one day a student chased the ball into the street. i can’t remember if the child was hit by a car or only the possibility presented itself. what i do remember is that the principal reacted by declaring that henceforth any student who chased a ball onto the street would be strapped.

when my father heard this he told my brothers & i that he hoped we would not be foolish enough to chase a ball onto the street, but in the event that we did so, we were to refuse to be strapped. we were to tell the principal to call my father who would say that we were not to be strapped for the misjudgement of a child.

i had forgotten that incident but i’m curious to unearth how that incident may have influenced my attitude towards authority later in my life.

i once had a job that involved working with a council looking after an apartment complex. one woman on the council was a real pain to work with and both the other council members and myself wished she’d just leave.

but no she stayed and there came a time when she overstepped her boundaries and got herself in hot water which brought me a certain amount of glee 🙂　and i allowed myself to enjoy her suffering for a time even tho i could have fixed the problem.

and then one morning i woke up and realised her being in hot water was also increasing my work load as i was the person in charge. the person who needed to act as go-between and record all interactions.

and i just about chocked on my morning coffee to realise that i had been prepared to work harder/suffer as long as she suffered more.

i’d been visiting a phase in my youth

when i allowed myself to enjoy some outrageous behaviour 🙂

as scenes from that time came into my awareness

i would think omg poor guy in reference to my partner at the time

and omg my poor parents.

then one day i became aware that there is/was a part of me

that had also been embarrassed by some of my outrageous behavior.

well now 🙂

and i had the idea to apologise to the embarrassed part of myself.

which i did.

the part i apologised to was most receptive to my apology.

and i got quite emotional

witnessing one part of me apologising to another part of me.

My soul & I

due to an incident in my childhood I had developed a fear that me choosing what I want has the potential to interfere with having my survival needs met.

I had come to label this fear as fear of being cold, hungry and alone.

now i’m remembering accessing a past-life aspect of an eskimo gramma adrift on an ice floe so as to not be a burden on the diminishing food supply of the tribe or clan. (a perfect acting out of being cold, hungry and alone).

over time I realized that I was not clear whether or not this being on the ice floe was voluntary or whether that gramma had been forced onto the ice floe.

another past-life aspect that I had accessed was a bank robber. well I thought it was a bank robber because the symbol in the vision was a burlap sack like the one that bank robbers used in western movies.

I had been shown the connection between my lack of abundance and my robber aspect but this morning a piece has been added ….

at the place in my body where I was shown the connection between my lack of abundance and my robber aspect I have recently accessed 2 new sensations.

at the front of my body a small burning spot like I was being prodded with a hot poker. and at the back of that body spot a sack of pus which I have labeled the energy of self-loathing.

this morning the pieces look like this …. 

the eskimo gramma and the robber were one and the same.

and were forced onto the ice floe because she had been stealing food from the tribe’s diminishing food supply.

and she has carried this feeling of loathing herself for what she did and of deserving to be cold, hungry and alone.

after writing all of this I threw up my hands in exasperation and shouted. so what good does it do me to know all of this.

and soul said “it makes a good story”

I’ve experienced some weird animal behavior over the past 24 hrs.

a new neighbor dog was coming around last year and stealing my smoking cushions. i haven’t seen him for months, maybe even a year, till yesterday afternoon when he came around acting manic. i thought that dog should be on prozac.

then this morning i was sitting immediately outside my door on a ledge. sitting really close to the door. when this bird came flying out of no where flying fast about knee height in my sitting position and quite close to my knees. flew towards the door and when it realised the door was closed it was momentarily almost trapped in the corner formed by the door and the ledge and behind my coat that was hanging down because i was sitting. didn’t take long for the bird to right itself and find its way to the open side of the patio and freedom. only thing i can think of is that it thought my blue door was water or sky. still weird and strange that it happened so soon after weird behavior of dog.

A friend asked .. What do you think the universe wants your attention for?

Me … perhaps asking . are you just going to sit there ignoring all the craziness going on around you