oh-we-should-have-told-you

What if we changed Mr Right to Mr Maybe

Then instead of asking if he’s Mr Right

We could ask if maybe he’s Mr Right for now

To teach what he can and then to move on

And we’ll learn not to pine after he’s gone

But realize that he was Mr Right but only for a time

And in his own little way he helped us to shine.

We can learn to grow brighter with each Mr Maybe

And one day we will see that each Mr Maybe

Was actually Mr Right . but only for now.

Or maybe we’ll recycle

Learn to value now what we didn’t back then

Love is about learning as the gambler has told

Learning when to hold and when to fold

And while life is like gambling it’s also true

That life goes on when the gambling is through.

We’re always dealt another hand

We always have a reserve stash

One more bid to make

One more hand to try

And it goes on like that until we die.

Or maybe even longer depending on belief

Maybe we get to do it over. wouldn’t that be a relief

To know it’s all a game after all

And if we don’t like the outcome we can ask for a recall.

What about my present refusal to accept that finding a job will be as hard as other people are saying it will be?

It is a mirror for you to see how people believing that the universe is unfriendly, tends to make it so for them. That is why you were given the experience of finding the Group Home job. So that you could remember that when you are clear and focused on your Intent, then it happens.

At the time that you received that job, you had a Belief that it would happen, and it did. However at that time you were still operating intellectually, you were not in touch with your emotions. Now that you are getting in touch with your emotions, you are finding things a bit more confusing because your fears are surfacing.

So what do I do now?

Now you feel your feelings. Feel your fear. Feel your sadness. Allow each feeling. Tell each feeling that it is OK for it to be there. We will help you with this. We have been waiting a long time for you to get in touch with your feelings.

I had been wondering how to catch the shuttle bus to the airport. As I was walking to my car I realized that I had forgotten my cigarettes in my apartment. I felt nudged to go back up to the apartment to get them as opposed to stopping at the corner store to buy another pack.

Coming back down in the elevator, I talked with a man carrying a suitcase and learned that the shuttle bus stopped at the nearby local hotel.

Aha! So that’s why I had felt the nudge to return to my apartment.

i was sitting on a concrete ledge rocking back & forth when i felt a new nerve ending. i got that it was connected to my aspect who feels she never gets what she wants, others get more etc. so i rocked a bit more and gawd my legs did so much trembling off & on for perhaps an hour.

yesterday was trembling today the fear energy is leaving my system. i sense it’s related to this “story” i’ve been carrying …….

i had an amazing evening/night. it started with an email about the upcoming group call of a course i was taking and saying we can submit questions. Later i was lying down thinking of what questions i might submit and i remembered my fear of being homeless. next came a memory of years ago when i chose to quit my job and rent a waterfront cabin even though it meant selling my house which i had always looked at as being my security.

Then i thought of a session i had with a karma clearing guy who suggested i look deeply into what i resented and i thought i don’t really resent anything at the moment. but somehow i got on to that i resent that i no longer have a house. which led to i resent that i can’t have what i want. 

which got back to my 6 yr old self not being able to have what she wanted by being advanced at school (long story that took me decades to unravel but basically it had been proposed that i be advanced to my older brother’s grade and somehow even at 6 i knew that would not be a good thing). so i cried & vomited so much that the idea was dismissed.

So last night i remembered my 6 yr old unconscious fear of if i chose what i wanted by being advanced at school i feared blowing apart my family and then who would take care of me.

and i thought aha that’s where security comes in.

my security is tied to me NOT getting what i want. 

i was at my computer with the door open to allow more sun into the house. suddenly I hear mad fluttering at the window just behind my back. I glance over my shoulder and there is a bird fluttering against the inside of the closed window

as I am wondering how one goes about getting a bird out of one’s house the bird does a 180 and flies back out the open door.

Later doing some pondering i thought how at the time of discovering the bird frantically fluttering at my closed window my thoughts were strictly 3d.

NOW i’m “thinking” .. bird frantically flapping/fluttering trying to escape through a window that looks like an opening BUT is actually closed.

Then all of a sudden something tells the bird to turn in the opposite direction and VOILA easy flying out the open door .. hmmmm

here’s the story of how the title came about ……

I was working away at my computer when suddenly the monitor screen went blank.  Almost simultaneously there was a huge bang, like a transformer had blown outside my apartment building.  Seconds later the monitor screen clicked back on.

The next day I was talking with a neighbor who said that his monitor screen had not shut off, possibly because he had a heavy-duty surge protector.  So I headed off to the computer shop to upgrade my surge protector.

I came home to find that neither my computer monitor nor my telephone answering machine would work when connected to this new surge protector.  So I head back to the computer store to explain the situation to the clerk who says, “Oh, we should have told you that you need to hook things up in a certain sequence.”

I then say that I also need some compressed air to clean my computer.  The clerk says “we have this new improved brand that has no chemicals and so is much more environmentally friendly and also eliminates the danger of getting chemicals into your computer.  The drawback is that it’s about three times more expensive”.  I decide that in the interest of the environment and of my computer, I will go for the improved brand.

I get home, insert a canister into the casing and start spraying my computer.  In about 10 seconds the canister is empty.  Thinking that maybe the canister was defective, I insert the second canister.  Same thing.  Ten seconds of spraying and the canister is empty.

I go back to the store and say that I have a problem with this.  The clerk (a different clerk from the previous day) says “Oh, we should have told you that you need to spray in short little bursts, not in one continuous spray”.

So now I’m sitting here wondering – what is the significance of me getting the message of “Oh we should have told you” two days in a row – especially since the 2^nd clerk didn’t ask whether I had sprayed continuously or in spurts.

And part of me is screaming:

“What else is there that “you should have told me”?

i had a dawn encounter with a raccoon. i was sitting on a bench. raccoon was about 5/6 feet away. first on all 4’s looking towards me. then he stood up on his hind legs. first time i’ve seen a raccoon do that. i first felt he was curious. later felt he might be considering attacking me. i came back inside.

Later thinking more about my time when i felt the raccoon was contemplating whether it might attack. i suddenly remembered about 20 yrs ago being on a canoe trip and seeing an angry moose on a small island we were paddling past. the moose glared at us and then ran up over a small ridge and down an incline as we rounded a corner. i had the thought shit that moose is contemplating swimming out to our canoe.

when i was recounting this story to a metaphysical friend he said holy shit do you know how much fear you have to be carrying to manifest an angry moose.

so today i thought about the size of the raccoon and remembered the size of the moose and thought holy shit i have released a lot of fear in 20 yrs

i was reading an article about how once you begin to shift your mindset your entire experience with money begins to change.

My response to this article is that i have had a variety of experiences re money & flow. once even going to the grocery store and thinking omg prices have taken a jump. but when i breathed and continued to shop i found that many of my “stock items” were the usual price and my favorite coffee was actually 1/2 price. that time i bought only a few items and the next time i returned to the store prices seemed to be back to “normal”.

as i was typing i wondered about timeline jumping. earlier i had wondered about our trust being tested. Regardless in my experience it hasn’t been a matter of stepping into the flow and being able to stay there. there seems to be a period of wobbling.

i am finding it helpful to take limited or only necessary action during the out of flow times and being more adventurous during the times of being in the flow.

i was doing some “porch sitting” and was pretty much lost in gazing at the water when into my awareness floated the phrase “you live here now” with equal emphasis on the words “here’ and “now”. this brought me a bit out of water-gazing mode and more into focus.

then i was brought scene after scene which involved the phrase “you live here now”
each scene involved 2 parts which somewhat balanced or contrasted with each other.  for example in one scene i was a small girl maybe 6/7 years old
in part A it felt like i had been removed from my family of slaves, brought to the “main house” and told “you live here now” (i sensed as a servant)
in part B i was in an orphanage and taken to a large elaborate house and told “you live here now” (i sensed as part of the family, that i had been adopted)
so scene after scene with 2 parts which somewhat balanced or contrasted with each other

then the “mood” changed a bit and it felt that it now also involved non-physical aspects. like i was bringing in some aspects that had never been here/to earth and saying to them “you live here now”. this time it felt less like displacement (as had the opening scenes) and more like a reunion or welcoming.

later I went looking for a dream that i had a while back because it factored into the “physical / non-physical” 2nd part of my experience today. In the dream several adults or mature beings were watching over an infant and there was some concern about the infant’s “future”. In the next scene the infant was lying in a little wooden box. my initial reaction was that the infant had died and been placed in a coffin. Then a procession of male figures (dressed like hell’s angels) walked past the box containing the infant and as each man passed the box he rapped the brass knuckles on his right hand against the side of the box and said “not in this lifetime”. one after the other a man rapping on the box and saying “not in this lifetime” “not in this lifetime”. Initially I assumed that the infant was me but who were these males. 

months after having this dream i got the sense that i WAS in fact the infant in the box and i was being “sent off” and my brotherhood who had traveled with me for eons were letting me know that this time they could not come with me. that this time i needed to go alone.

today during the second part of my experience i “felt” this brotherhood for the first time since the dream and it felt as though they had come to join me here. i’m not sure if they were once again telling me that i needed to go on/be alone (couldn’t rejoin them in their realms) or if i was in fact embodying them.
i do see how the 2nd part of my experience also contained that balance/contrast aspect. in the dream i had a year or so ago i had been in a brotherhood/family and then had to go on alone. today i was sitting alone and was joined by/reunited with my brotherhood / family

for the past couple of years i have been fortifying my “feeling abundant” by no longer watching / checking as my groceries are being rung up. i do whatever i feel like doing during that time and when the cashier announces the total i happily pay that amount.

earlier this week i stopped for a couple of packs of cigarettes and when the cashier announced the total my mind jumped in and said whaaaat that much for 2 packs of cigarettes. so i double checked with the cashier who said oh i’m sorry i charged you for 3 packs.

then today i had a mirror image of that experience when i picked up a couple of small items at the hardware store. when the cashier announced the total my mind jumped in and said whaaaat so little for those 2 items. so i double checked with the cashier who said oh i’m sorry one item didn’t register.

and the really funny / weird thing is that my “overcharge” earlier in the week was almost to the penny the amount of my “undercharge” today. i feel there’s a cosmic wink in there somewhere.