from time to time i do trauma release exercises. today i was sitting on a concrete ledge rocking back & forth when i felt a new nerve ending. i got that it was connected to my aspect who feels she never gets what she wants, others get more etc. so i rocked a bit more and gawd my legs did so much trembling off & on for perhaps an hour.
and it continues.
yesterday was trembling today the fear energy is leaving my system
i sense it’s related to this “story” i’ve been carrying …….
i had an amazing evening/night. it started with an email about the upcoming group call of a course i was taking and saying we can submit questions. Later i was lying down thinking of what questions i might submit and i remembered my fear of being homeless. next came a memory of years ago when i chose to quit my job and rent a waterfront cabin even though it meant selling my house which i had always looked at as being my security.
Then i thought of a session i had with a karma clearing guy who suggested i look deeply into what i resented and i thought i don’t really resent anything at the moment. but somehow i got on to that i resent that i no longer have a house. which led to i resent that i can’t have what i want.
which got back to my 6 yr old self not being able to have what she wanted by being advanced at school (long story that took me decades to unravel but basically it had been proposed that i be advanced to my older brother’s grade and somehow even at 6 i knew that would not be a good thing. so i cried & vomited so much that the idea was dismissed.
Decades later i got the aha that the reason it wouldn’t have been a good thing was that i was more academically inclined than my older brother and would have surpassed him in grades . which would not have set well with my dad who believed that men were inherently smarter than women so facing his daughter getting better grades than her older brother would have thrown my father’s thinking into disarray.
So last night i remembered my 6 yr old unconscious fear of if i chose what i wanted by being advanced at school i feared blowing apart my family and then who would take care of me. and i thought aha that’s where security comes in. my security is tied to me NOT getting what i want.