i was sitting on a concrete ledge rocking back & forth when i felt a new nerve ending. i got that it was connected to my aspect who feels she never gets what she wants, others get more etc. so i rocked a bit more and gawd my legs did so much trembling off & on for perhaps an hour.

yesterday was trembling today the fear energy is leaving my system. i sense it’s related to this “story” i’ve been carrying …….

i had an amazing evening/night. it started with an email about the upcoming group call of a course i was taking and saying we can submit questions. Later i was lying down thinking of what questions i might submit and i remembered my fear of being homeless. next came a memory of years ago when i chose to quit my job and rent a waterfront cabin even though it meant selling my house which i had always looked at as being my security.

Then i thought of a session i had with a karma clearing guy who suggested i look deeply into what i resented and i thought i don’t really resent anything at the moment. but somehow i got on to that i resent that i no longer have a house. which led to i resent that i can’t have what i want. 

which got back to my 6 yr old self not being able to have what she wanted by being advanced at school (long story that took me decades to unravel but basically it had been proposed that i be advanced to my older brother’s grade and somehow even at 6 i knew that would not be a good thing). so i cried & vomited so much that the idea was dismissed.

So last night i remembered my 6 yr old unconscious fear of if i chose what i wanted by being advanced at school i feared blowing apart my family and then who would take care of me.

and i thought aha that’s where security comes in.

my security is tied to me NOT getting what i want.