oh-we-should-have-told-you

I was experiencing a computer glitch possibly as a result of ignoring the Microsoft rules of their “word starter program” not supporting content that had been brought from facebook.
coupled with timing that would suggest that Microsoft is discontinuing to support this “basic word document program” I found myself unable to open any of my word documents. kept seeing “access denied”
well dammit I WANT to see the content of those “word documents” which contain my numerous musings, ahas etc over the years.

so in between intuitively clicking away at things on the computer which i really know nothing about .. in between I sit outside for a smoke
and during one of my smoke breaks I was taking in the absolute perfection and magic of my backyard. the air was so still, everything was clear and bright, the sun was literally dancing off the water ! and I could feel myself being energized and expanded !

UNTIL my mind started reviewing what I had been doing on the computer, what I could possibly do next etc.
AND I CAME BACK INSIDE TO THE COMPUTER … aaargh

and of course the mind’s idea of what I could do next did not work !

Recently i did a “cat-sit” for a family for whom i had “cat-sat” last year and the 2 experiences helped me realize a big “aha” last year the cat was “newly acquired” and was being groomed to be an “indoor cat”. I found it quite discomforting to observe the cat sitting on the window-sill pining to be outside. and regardless of how much i attempted to entertain her she spent a lot of time wandering around bored to be with just me as opposed to the school-aged children and their friends.

This year i was delighted to find that the cat is now an “outdoor cat” who came and went freely which meant i could do the same and without experiencing any of the discomforts of last time. Plus there was no litter box to clean

My “aha” came when the cat-sit was over and it came time for me to be paid for my services. Last year after experiencing some discomfort during my stay i gratefully accepted the $s offered. This year having had a wonderful time which in many ways felt like a mini-holiday i found myself professing that the $s offered were too much.

And then i realized that i had a belief …. that experiencing discomfort justifies receiving $s and having a free & joyful experience does not justify such receiving. Which distilled down means i did not belief that i could justify receiving $s for doing something i enjoyed doing. I am sooooo happy to have unearthed that one.

I love getting directions in a small town
where do I take my garbage ?
oh there’s a disposal bin up the road a bit
I think it’s the 2nd turn on your left
don’t count the first turn to your left. that goes to the marina
i’m pretty sure it’s the 2nd left turn after the turn to the marina
it’s just past George’s place.
you may see his red truck in the yard
after you turn left you go up the road for a bit
you’ll come to a couple of little stores
you get the key for the garbage bin at the liquor store.

i’m happy to report that my garbage is now in the bin
even tho George’s red truck wasn’t in the yard

Who did I run into on the sidewalk, but an ex-partner who I felt had deceived and betrayed me.

As we started talking, it felt like my head was split into a front part and a back part. The back part was replaying my litany of old complaints and accusations.

Meanwhile the front part was having a pleasant conversation even genuinely extending some thanks for things I had learned during our relationship.

As I said Goodbye and began walking away, I could feel that I was releasing not only my sense of hurt and betrayal but also the energy of my previous attraction to this man.

A few days after this encounter, I was sitting on a bench at the beach when a man approached and asked if he could join me. We proceeded to have a most amazing conversation.

And part of what I found so amazing about the conversation was that while one part of me knew that the guy was telling me “lies” and seemed to know what things to talk about to pique my interest, another part of me was resonating with the energy that he was putting out.

Over the next month this resonance surfaced within me each time I saw the man, though I never spoke with him again.

After that month, I would see him and find it almost laughable that I had ever resonated with him.

What I have come to believe is that he picked up on the energy that I was releasing and that’s the energy in which we resonated with each other.

And I considered how previously when I’ve chosen to release something I expected that the release would be immediate.

So, when I found myself resonating with the next man, house, or job, I thought that I was resonating from a new energy within myself.

But maybe when we are releasing an energy, we are highly susceptible to attracting a similar energy situation to the one we are releasing

and we need to be vigilant of the situations we attract until the released energy has totally cleared our energy field.

I went with a friend to a “spiritual presentation” group that she frequented.

My friend stopped to talk to someone she knew and I proceeded to park myself in one of the prime seats.

A few minutes later I was approached by a young woman who informed me that she had received guidance that she was supposed to sit in the chair which I was occupying.

I looked at her for a few minutes before replying “well I guess you’ll need to inform your guidance that this chair is occupied”

What if we changed Mr Right to Mr Maybe

Then instead of asking if he’s Mr Right

We could ask if maybe he’s Mr Right for now

To teach what he can and then to move on

And we’ll learn not to pine after he’s gone

But realize that he was Mr Right but only for a time

And in his own little way he helped us to shine.

We can learn to grow brighter with each Mr Maybe

And one day we will see that each Mr Maybe

Was actually Mr Right . but only for now.

Or maybe we’ll recycle

Learn to value now what we didn’t back then

Love is about learning as the gambler has told

Learning when to hold and when to fold

And while life is like gambling it’s also true

That life goes on when the gambling is through.

We’re always dealt another hand

We always have a reserve stash

One more bid to make

One more hand to try

And it goes on like that until we die.

Or maybe even longer depending on belief

Maybe we get to do it over. wouldn’t that be a relief

To know it’s all a game after all

And if we don’t like the outcome we can ask for a recall.

What about my present refusal to accept that finding a job will be as hard as other people are saying it will be?

It is a mirror for you to see how people believing that the universe is unfriendly, tends to make it so for them. That is why you were given the experience of finding the Group Home job. So that you could remember that when you are clear and focused on your Intent, then it happens.

At the time that you received that job, you had a Belief that it would happen, and it did. However at that time you were still operating intellectually, you were not in touch with your emotions. Now that you are getting in touch with your emotions, you are finding things a bit more confusing because your fears are surfacing.

So what do I do now?

Now you feel your feelings. Feel your fear. Feel your sadness. Allow each feeling. Tell each feeling that it is OK for it to be there. We will help you with this. We have been waiting a long time for you to get in touch with your feelings.

I had been wondering how to catch the shuttle bus to the airport. As I was walking to my car I realized that I had forgotten my cigarettes in my apartment. I felt nudged to go back up to the apartment to get them as opposed to stopping at the corner store to buy another pack.

Coming back down in the elevator, I talked with a man carrying a suitcase and learned that the shuttle bus stopped at the nearby local hotel.

Aha! So that’s why I had felt the nudge to return to my apartment.

i was sitting on a concrete ledge rocking back & forth when i felt a new nerve ending. i got that it was connected to my aspect who feels she never gets what she wants, others get more etc. so i rocked a bit more and gawd my legs did so much trembling off & on for perhaps an hour.

yesterday was trembling today the fear energy is leaving my system. i sense it’s related to this “story” i’ve been carrying …….

i had an amazing evening/night. it started with an email about the upcoming group call of a course i was taking and saying we can submit questions. Later i was lying down thinking of what questions i might submit and i remembered my fear of being homeless. next came a memory of years ago when i chose to quit my job and rent a waterfront cabin even though it meant selling my house which i had always looked at as being my security.

Then i thought of a session i had with a karma clearing guy who suggested i look deeply into what i resented and i thought i don’t really resent anything at the moment. but somehow i got on to that i resent that i no longer have a house. which led to i resent that i can’t have what i want. 

which got back to my 6 yr old self not being able to have what she wanted by being advanced at school (long story that took me decades to unravel but basically it had been proposed that i be advanced to my older brother’s grade and somehow even at 6 i knew that would not be a good thing). so i cried & vomited so much that the idea was dismissed.

So last night i remembered my 6 yr old unconscious fear of if i chose what i wanted by being advanced at school i feared blowing apart my family and then who would take care of me.

and i thought aha that’s where security comes in.

my security is tied to me NOT getting what i want. 

i was at my computer with the door open to allow more sun into the house. suddenly I hear mad fluttering at the window just behind my back. I glance over my shoulder and there is a bird fluttering against the inside of the closed window

as I am wondering how one goes about getting a bird out of one’s house the bird does a 180 and flies back out the open door.

Later doing some pondering i thought how at the time of discovering the bird frantically fluttering at my closed window my thoughts were strictly 3d.

NOW i’m “thinking” .. bird frantically flapping/fluttering trying to escape through a window that looks like an opening BUT is actually closed.

Then all of a sudden something tells the bird to turn in the opposite direction and VOILA easy flying out the open door .. hmmmm