oh-we-should-have-told-you

yesterday I accessed some very old compacted energy that was almost bitter tasting. a few minutes later I identified it as the energy of “I want”.

I had so suppressed my energy of “I want” that it was bitter and almost fermented. I have never allowed myself to truly feel “I want”. I have held myself back from success / achieving since age 6 and the stagnant energy is from wants / desires that I did not allow myself to pursue.

And in my back, behind where i sense / feel my stagnant energy, I can sometimes feel a vice like grip that is painful and that I have associated with many things. but just now I got that it is an aspect or part that I put in place to protect me by holding me back and not allowing me to pursue hopes and dreams. gawd that’s huge.

I’m hoping that now I can release it or embrace it or whatever the hell it is that we do with our aspects/parts.

as I was parking my car after coming home from the grocery store my upstairs neighbor pointed out that I had an “almost-flat” tire. i looked at the tire with the rim almost resting on the ground and was amazed at the feelings that then overcame me. i almost got to the “this is the end of the line sweetheart, time to rejoin the real world *gasp*.” it had a feeling of . are u going to react / respond . the old way . or the new way. 

such a little thing. except my car has been with my for my entire spiritual journey. and i have been totally taking it for granted. suddenly thoughts came of . omg i think i remember that my jack was rusty so i threw it out years ago . and i’m not even sure i have a spare tire. because for years i lived in the city and carried an auto- assistance card so thought no problem . if i need help i will call the auto-assistance people. but here i am now on a small island with no auto-assistance people to call. and suddenly i felt quite ill-prepared. even began questioning several decisions i had made along the way that led me to my current circumstances.

so i breathed for a bit. then got in my car and drove the 2 miles to the mechanic and said “i need help”. got the tire pumped up and tomorrow it will be repaired. but the integration of those overwhelming feelings left me feeling very vulnerable for several days. to the point of cancelling a visit from a friend 2 days after cos i felt it very important that i ground the integration that was taking place. possibly i was integrating something at my core.

when my appointment was taking place I asked about the switch for my signal lights mechanic said oh oh those are expensive maybe $400. I thought well if it’s $400 then it’s $400 cos when I do highway driving it’s a safety concern. mechanic checked his computer said oh wow they’ve lowered the price. now would cost about $250. I said ok i’ll come in next month to make an appointment cos I like to have spacing between my appointments.

i was listening to some channeled material and st germain was asking if we’re ready to “Go Beyond”.

For about 5 mins St G talks about how if we gave permission to Go Beyond our life would change

and the changes might be drastic.

I’m sorta playing with the idea of well how drastic could changes in my life be.

I’ve already Let Go of so much.

St G says we don’t need to decide now, that the space will be kept open,

we can come back later and decide etc. etc

And I FEEL that I have decided to wait and come back later.

Then St G continues saying but we’re at a fork in the road

and people who give permission will go down one fork

and those who do not will go down the other fork

so in a minute he’s going to ask who gives permission.

And at that moment I became conscious that my soul / consciousness whatever HAD GIVEN PERMISSION

and little human me is sitting here thinking / feeling Oh Wow I get the concept

AND

OMG I gave permission.

I had decided to walk to the mall for some cigarettes. As I was putting on my shoes I had the thought to knock on my neighbor’s door to see if she wanted to walk with me. When my neighbor opened her door I saw 5/6 garbage bags full of stuff that she had cleared out of her closets and was wondering how she would get them to the nearby thrift store.

After a bit of discussion we decided that we could use my car and park in the “no parking area” with the flashers on and after helping my neighbor unload her stuff I would stay with the car while she tossed the bags thru the door of the thrift shop.

Driving home she & I talked about how amazing it was that I chose that morning to knock on her door and that I had the means to help her do what she wanted to do.

Later reviewing the events I formulated a theory as to what happened. The theory goes like this: Friday evening my neighbor looked at the 5/6 bags and thought: how am I going to get these to the thrift store? This thought-form then started a Google search and at 10 am the next morning matched up with my thought-form of going for cigarettes. I was the perfect Solution for my neighbor and in my ear was put the suggestion to knock on my neighbor’s door.

So I think that we can Create by saying “I Choose to get these bags to the thrift store” it worked for my neighbor

i just woke from an interesting sleep experience. it seemed i had come across or entered a timeline that was collapsing and that timeline contained a clone of me. a clone with almost zippo life force.

instinctively i found myself jumpstarting the life force of the clone who managed to increase her life force to about 40% before the timeline finished its collapse and off the clone of me went.

next i felt a prod on my right heel like a needle prod and i sensed a being/entity that was doing the prodding. she & i did a bit of huffing & puffing at each other until i realised that as i strengthened my huffing & puffing she got stronger. so i decided to change tactics and soften what i was directing her way at which point she also softened.

i had a moment of doubt whether or not i was being fooled by her “surrender” but part of me chose to say ok you can now choose. huff & puff or soften and i rolled over in bed turning my back to her.

didn’t hear from her again

I was experiencing a computer glitch possibly as a result of ignoring the Microsoft rules of their “word starter program” not supporting content that had been brought from facebook.
coupled with timing that would suggest that Microsoft is discontinuing to support this “basic word document program” I found myself unable to open any of my word documents. kept seeing “access denied”
well dammit I WANT to see the content of those “word documents” which contain my numerous musings, ahas etc over the years.

so in between intuitively clicking away at things on the computer which i really know nothing about .. in between I sit outside for a smoke
and during one of my smoke breaks I was taking in the absolute perfection and magic of my backyard. the air was so still, everything was clear and bright, the sun was literally dancing off the water ! and I could feel myself being energized and expanded !

UNTIL my mind started reviewing what I had been doing on the computer, what I could possibly do next etc.
AND I CAME BACK INSIDE TO THE COMPUTER … aaargh

and of course the mind’s idea of what I could do next did not work !

Recently i did a “cat-sit” for a family for whom i had “cat-sat” last year and the 2 experiences helped me realize a big “aha” last year the cat was “newly acquired” and was being groomed to be an “indoor cat”. I found it quite discomforting to observe the cat sitting on the window-sill pining to be outside. and regardless of how much i attempted to entertain her she spent a lot of time wandering around bored to be with just me as opposed to the school-aged children and their friends.

This year i was delighted to find that the cat is now an “outdoor cat” who came and went freely which meant i could do the same and without experiencing any of the discomforts of last time. Plus there was no litter box to clean

My “aha” came when the cat-sit was over and it came time for me to be paid for my services. Last year after experiencing some discomfort during my stay i gratefully accepted the $s offered. This year having had a wonderful time which in many ways felt like a mini-holiday i found myself professing that the $s offered were too much.

And then i realized that i had a belief …. that experiencing discomfort justifies receiving $s and having a free & joyful experience does not justify such receiving. Which distilled down means i did not belief that i could justify receiving $s for doing something i enjoyed doing. I am sooooo happy to have unearthed that one.

I love getting directions in a small town
where do I take my garbage ?
oh there’s a disposal bin up the road a bit
I think it’s the 2nd turn on your left
don’t count the first turn to your left. that goes to the marina
i’m pretty sure it’s the 2nd left turn after the turn to the marina
it’s just past George’s place.
you may see his red truck in the yard
after you turn left you go up the road for a bit
you’ll come to a couple of little stores
you get the key for the garbage bin at the liquor store.

i’m happy to report that my garbage is now in the bin
even tho George’s red truck wasn’t in the yard

Who did I run into on the sidewalk, but an ex-partner who I felt had deceived and betrayed me.

As we started talking, it felt like my head was split into a front part and a back part. The back part was replaying my litany of old complaints and accusations.

Meanwhile the front part was having a pleasant conversation even genuinely extending some thanks for things I had learned during our relationship.

As I said Goodbye and began walking away, I could feel that I was releasing not only my sense of hurt and betrayal but also the energy of my previous attraction to this man.

A few days after this encounter, I was sitting on a bench at the beach when a man approached and asked if he could join me. We proceeded to have a most amazing conversation.

And part of what I found so amazing about the conversation was that while one part of me knew that the guy was telling me “lies” and seemed to know what things to talk about to pique my interest, another part of me was resonating with the energy that he was putting out.

Over the next month this resonance surfaced within me each time I saw the man, though I never spoke with him again.

After that month, I would see him and find it almost laughable that I had ever resonated with him.

What I have come to believe is that he picked up on the energy that I was releasing and that’s the energy in which we resonated with each other.

And I considered how previously when I’ve chosen to release something I expected that the release would be immediate.

So, when I found myself resonating with the next man, house, or job, I thought that I was resonating from a new energy within myself.

But maybe when we are releasing an energy, we are highly susceptible to attracting a similar energy situation to the one we are releasing

and we need to be vigilant of the situations we attract until the released energy has totally cleared our energy field.

I went with a friend to a “spiritual presentation” group that she frequented.

My friend stopped to talk to someone she knew and I proceeded to park myself in one of the prime seats.

A few minutes later I was approached by a young woman who informed me that she had received guidance that she was supposed to sit in the chair which I was occupying.

I looked at her for a few minutes before replying “well I guess you’ll need to inform your guidance that this chair is occupied”