oh-we-should-have-told-you

i need to start paying more attention to messages re $s.

about a week ago i was standing at the checkout at the grocery store and while my mind was elsewhere i guess my eyes were on the lottery tickets on the counter. my mind registered only when the cashier said something to me about one lottery ticket in particular. i can’t even remember what her comment was because i was kinda thinking what a strange thing to say because it felt rather personal. as tho there was something personal about that ticket for me. and did i buy the ticket. no i let myself continue to be intrigued by the “strangeness” of her comment.

then today i pulled up to the gas pump and immediately at the corner of my windshield was a sandwich board saying “$1000 a week for life”. i was intrigued so i looked closer. and saw it was lotto 6/49 for $9 million. i thought oh 9 is completion. and my next thought was but i wouldn’t know what to do with $9 million.

duh !!!!

Over the course of several months, I had much more than usual contact with both my biological family as well as the biological family of my grown children’s dad, due to weddings, births, deaths, and graduations.

Attending these gatherings was like replaying lots of old situations and experiences, sometimes even with the original players.

What seemed to happen was that an incident or a situation would occur and I could hear myself start to play the Old Tapes of “what so and so will do next”, “how that will make the other person feel”, “how I will then feel” etc, etc.

Hearing these Old Tapes play, I could feel my discomfort upon seeing my contribution in the Old Situations.

But this time instead of repeating my part in the Old Tapes, I seemed to be able to remain silent while reminding myself that these were Old Tapes and that they did not need to be replayed.

I saw myself beginning to Let Go of some of my old needs to blame and to fix.

I felt I had met you before

But introduced myself just to be sure.

You shook my hand and said hello

And I think even then I wanted to know

What about you drew me so

Why I felt comfortable to sit and talk

You asked great questions seemed quite sincere

I felt each of us wondering where to go from here.

The words we spoke had an impact

That neither of us chose to ignore

So I called you up

You said I’m oh so glad that you called

We agreed to meet

To explore the next phase. 

We talked we laughed we loved we grew

Perhaps much more that either of us knew

We discovered great passion but also great rage

You say I ask questions I say you evade

You want to date I want to relate

We’re each looking for safety but in different ways

I say if I feel I can trust you then I’ll tell you my truth

You say tell me your truth and I’ll see if I can trust you

We let fear intrude and we lost our way

Now neither of us knows quite what to say

Do we say you were good for me but now I must go?

Or do we say if I let go of the fear there’s so much more I can know?

It’s a difficult question we each know that

And we also know that’s where the answer is at

Seeking, searching, looking for a clue

What to think what to do

Embracing the new leaving the old behind

Relax breathe deeply it’s Crossover Time. 

Your life’s a mess you’re totally confused

You’ve lost your job you’ve been abused

You’re hurt you’re angry afraid you might die

Relax breathe deeply it’s Crossover Time.

You rant you rave you rail you cry

Try as you might you can’t understand why

None of the old formulas seem to be working

Relax breathe deeply it’s Crossover Time.

Cross over to what you ask through the pain

Why shouldn’t I expect just more of the same

Because the world is changing that’s the reason why

Relax breathe deeply it’s Crossover Time.

Time to question, time to trust

What is a desire what is a must

The musts have to go so the desires can flow

Relax breathe deeply it’s Crossover Time.

i was sitting outside with my coffee listening to the birds and gazing at the water

when into my mind floated thoughts of adamus’s stories about masters and students.

and i realised that each time adamus began to tell one of these stories

it was like i was transported back in time.

a time that feels like how i envision the mystery schools to have felt.

and i saw/felt that previously i have seen/felt the master and the student as 2 separate people.

the master looking/feeling distinctly like adamus

and the student looking/feeling distinctly like me

but this morning i realise the master and the student are not 2 separate people.

they are 2 separate parts of ME.

I had met up with 2 friends who were all abuzz that they had just seen a Flasher.

Out of my mouth came “Well, was he at least a good looking Flasher?”

My friends were almost stern, saying “No, he was gross. We called the cops. The cops said we did the right thing, that people like this must be stopped or they will go on to do worse things etc, etc”.

Meanwhile, I realized that I was locked into compassion for the guy, thinking “Oh he’s just doing his thing. No need to get your knickers in a knot.”

Suddenly I was aware that one of my friends was giving me a look that said, “I’ve always been a bit concerned about you. Now I know you’re nuts”.

In the bath I had the realization

that things that are meant for me .are .and have been looking for me.

I cried a little thinking

but if they’ve been looking for me why have I felt so alone?

Why didn’t I know that they were looking for me?

I heard it was a timing thing.

Then I explored

how do I feel now that I know that these things are looking for me

just as I have been looking for them?

I felt maybe more sadness than relief

even though I know

that if I’m looking for them

and they’re looking for me

it is inevitable that we find each other.

I was having a lovely phone conversation with a new business contact. 

At the end of our conversation, the man suggested that we meet for lunch and I agreed. 

later I played with the possibility of the lunch being more than business and with the idea of being open to a second meeting.  I soon came to know that a romantic relationship did not serve me at the moment.

and at the lunch the man proved so totally not to be a date possibility for me.

Later I wondered which had come first, me deciding that I wanted more time with myself before I have a romantic relationship and the universe conspired to ensure that I would not even be tempted to backtrack on my choice by making the man unsuitable. 

Or, had part of my energy field checked out the energy field of the man and of me and so helped set the circumstances for the non-appeal.

I hear Or both.

in my sleep i met up with my part that convinces me that i don’t deserve what i want.

she was like a tree branch stuck in the riverbank.

a bit ugly but not overly frightening.

we had a discussion during which she told me i didn’t deserve things i wanted

because of horrible things i had done.

and i accepted that.

even tho there was no mention of what those horrible things were.

this morning i thought oh wow.

this relates to my 6 yr old self fearing that she would blow apart her family if she chose/pursued what she wanted.

i created my “you don’t deserve” part

to help me not pursue what i wanted.

“you don’t deserve aspect’s taunt of “you don’t deserve b’cos of heinous things you have done”

is a LIE.

something she & i made up

to keep me from choosing what i want

and believing i deserved it.

last tuesday i was “planning” a trip to the big island.

and i was clear about renewing my drivers license

and having greek food

each in the area close to the ferry terminal.

my practical part said take your computer to the shop while you’re on that island.

it’s only 20 minutes down the road.

but each time i thought of taking the computer i felt foggy.

so i didn’t take my computer.

today i noticed a funny smell when i drove to the local shopping center.

i checked my car’s oil and it’s really low.

and i thought

it wouldn’t have been a good idea to do that 40 minutes of highway driving the other day 

just got an aha.

what i was describing as being foggy

is like using the 2 sides of our brain.

like we used to use a pendulum.

when i’m foggy

it’s like the pendulum is still swaying.

no clear answer

so i take no action