oh-we-should-have-told-you

I had met up with 2 friends who were all abuzz that they had just seen a Flasher.

Out of my mouth came “Well, was he at least a good looking Flasher?”

My friends were almost stern, saying “No, he was gross. We called the cops. The cops said we did the right thing, that people like this must be stopped or they will go on to do worse things etc, etc”.

Meanwhile, I realized that I was locked into compassion for the guy, thinking “Oh he’s just doing his thing. No need to get your knickers in a knot.”

Suddenly I was aware that one of my friends was giving me a look that said, “I’ve always been a bit concerned about you. Now I know you’re nuts”.

In the bath I had the realization

that things that are meant for me .are .and have been looking for me.

I cried a little thinking

but if they’ve been looking for me why have I felt so alone?

Why didn’t I know that they were looking for me?

I heard it was a timing thing.

Then I explored

how do I feel now that I know that these things are looking for me

just as I have been looking for them?

I felt maybe more sadness than relief

even though I know

that if I’m looking for them

and they’re looking for me

it is inevitable that we find each other.

I was having a lovely phone conversation with a new business contact. 

At the end of our conversation, the man suggested that we meet for lunch and I agreed. 

later I played with the possibility of the lunch being more than business and with the idea of being open to a second meeting.  I soon came to know that a romantic relationship did not serve me at the moment.

and at the lunch the man proved so totally not to be a date possibility for me.

Later I wondered which had come first, me deciding that I wanted more time with myself before I have a romantic relationship and the universe conspired to ensure that I would not even be tempted to backtrack on my choice by making the man unsuitable. 

Or, had part of my energy field checked out the energy field of the man and of me and so helped set the circumstances for the non-appeal.

I hear Or both.

in my sleep i met up with my part that convinces me that i don’t deserve what i want.

she was like a tree branch stuck in the riverbank.

a bit ugly but not overly frightening.

we had a discussion during which she told me i didn’t deserve things i wanted

because of horrible things i had done.

and i accepted that.

even tho there was no mention of what those horrible things were.

this morning i thought oh wow.

this relates to my 6 yr old self fearing that she would blow apart her family if she chose/pursued what she wanted.

i created my “you don’t deserve” part

to help me not pursue what i wanted.

“you don’t deserve aspect’s taunt of “you don’t deserve b’cos of heinous things you have done”

is a LIE.

something she & i made up

to keep me from choosing what i want

and believing i deserved it.

last tuesday i was “planning” a trip to the big island.

and i was clear about renewing my drivers license

and having greek food

each in the area close to the ferry terminal.

my practical part said take your computer to the shop while you’re on that island.

it’s only 20 minutes down the road.

but each time i thought of taking the computer i felt foggy.

so i didn’t take my computer.

today i noticed a funny smell when i drove to the local shopping center.

i checked my car’s oil and it’s really low.

and i thought

it wouldn’t have been a good idea to do that 40 minutes of highway driving the other day 

just got an aha.

what i was describing as being foggy

is like using the 2 sides of our brain.

like we used to use a pendulum.

when i’m foggy

it’s like the pendulum is still swaying.

no clear answer

so i take no action

i think many of us have been mis-led to believe that one day we will wake up (after some “event”) and everything around us will have changed. and we will call that the new earth.

what i believe is that the energy has changed and now new earth is available to all who choose to learn the skill of living on new earth.

because in my opinion it *is* a skill. and like any new skill there is a learning curve.

start being aware of even tiny moments of joy, laughter. of simply enjoying yourself and feeling at ease, in beauty, relaxed.

acknowledge even the tiny miracles. pleasant weather when you want to go for a walk, a friend phoning when you feel like company, having the ingredients to make a meal that you fancy.

become aware of and acknowledge those and they will increase

and you will create your own new earth.

i woke from a nap during which i downloaded a session re “empaths is it time to retire?”

the download talked about how we empaths had voluntarily expanded our energy field to absorb the feelings that others did not want to feel. but now it was time to retire from doing that. 

there was confusion as to how we would go about retiring from doing this.

one theory was that we strengthen our energetic boundaries so no further energy would be absorbed.

another theory was that we allow the energies to flow thru us. that we wouldn’t be negatively affected.

then there seemed to be a consensus that we do it in 2 steps.

strengthen our boundaries, transmute within till we are clear of both energy we had already absorbed and of receptors to these energies that remain in our energy field.

then we would be in a position to let all energies flow thru us.

And there was something about now it’s time for those others to do the work for themselves.

We come to this point
This point of No Return
Go back they say
I cannot I say
I cannot go back
I cannot stay
In slumber as I once was
I must go on go beyond
Beyond where I have gone
To a new day a new sunrise
To be all that I can be
To see all that I can see.

my 7 year old grandson was playing with his friends at the neighborhood playground when he erupted in such wails of anguish/agony that several adults ran to see what was the matter.

Between sobs my grandson explained that his anguish/agony was due to a friend having laughed at him. We adults kinda looked at each other thinking how do we handle this one?

My grandson then became angry and started to chase his friend with the intention to retaliate. Instead of running the friend stood & faced my grandson at which point each child seemed to go into paralysis and no retaliation occurred. Instead my grandson cried softly and began walking home.

A minute later he buried his face into a bush we were passing and said I am in love with everything. He then chatted away about other things for a couple of minutes during which I was too awe struck by what has just occurred to register what he was saying until he started crying again and said how 2 years earlier he had been laughed at after giving a performance for his kindergarten class.

And I thought WOW that’s the pain & anguish he was accessing / releasing earlier. And how AMAZING that he was able to trace it back to that source in a matter of about 5 minutes.

I have left jobs hoping to find my “passion”, only to always return to jobs that “pay the bills”– so I have a memory of failure.

One day I thought how previously, I had tended to stay focused on work until I quit and then once I was unemployed, I would start focusing on my unemployed state with its associated pressures and fears.

This time I thought, why don’t you fast-forward this movie and pretend that you’re already unemployed. That way you can experience the pressures and the fears while you also have the luxury and comfort of a pay check.

And you know, it worked. For 24 hours I was in absolute terror.

Thank You to the part of me that during this time, reminded me of previous times of turmoil when I have survived.