in my sleep i met up with my part that convinces me that i don’t deserve what i want.

she was like a tree branch stuck in the riverbank.

a bit ugly but not overly frightening.

we had a discussion during which she told me i didn’t deserve things i wanted

because of horrible things i had done.

and i accepted that.

even tho there was no mention of what those horrible things were.

this morning i thought oh wow.

this relates to my 6 yr old self fearing that she would blow apart her family if she chose/pursued what she wanted.

i created my “you don’t deserve” part

to help me not pursue what i wanted.

“you don’t deserve aspect’s taunt of “you don’t deserve b’cos of heinous things you have done”

is a LIE.

something she & i made up

to keep me from choosing what i want

and believing i deserved it.