in my sleep i met up with my part that convinces me that i don’t deserve what i want.
she was like a tree branch stuck in the riverbank.
a bit ugly but not overly frightening.
we had a discussion during which she told me i didn’t deserve things i wanted
because of horrible things i had done.
and i accepted that.
even tho there was no mention of what those horrible things were.
this morning i thought oh wow.
this relates to my 6 yr old self fearing that she would blow apart her family if she chose/pursued what she wanted.
i created my “you don’t deserve” part
to help me not pursue what i wanted.
“you don’t deserve aspect’s taunt of “you don’t deserve b’cos of heinous things you have done”
is a LIE.
something she & i made up
to keep me from choosing what i want
and believing i deserved it.