in my sleep i met up with my part that convinces me that i don’t deserve what i want.
she was like a tree branch stuck in the riverbank. a bit ugly but not overly frightening.
we had a discussion during which she told me i didn’t deserve things i wanted because of horrible things i had done.
and i accepted that. even tho there was no mention of what those horrible things were.
this morning i thought oh wow. this relates to my 6 yr old self fearing that she would blow apart her family if she chose/pursued what she wanted.
i created my ‘you don’t deserve” part to help me not pursue what i wanted.
“you don’t deserve aspect’s taunt of “you don’t deserve b’cos of heinous things you have done” is a LIE.
something she & i made up to keep me from choosing what i want and believing i deserved it.