oh-we-should-have-told-you

the fridge i am currently using is one of those ancient ones that require manual defrosting.

For the past couple of days i have been thinking that i would tackle that job “soon”.

This morning i woke at 3am and remembering the time it takes for the fridge to defrost i had the idea to unplug the fridge and open its doors to begin the defrosting.

A few hours later having emptied water from the collecting tray a few times i felt like returning to bed.

I checked the fridge’s progress. About 50% done. Hmmm. What to do.

If i did the placing a pan of hot water in the freezer to speed things along it would probably be done in an hour.

But i didn’t feel like spending the next hour replacing pans of hot water and emptying the collecting tray.

Then i had the brilliant idea to close the doors to the fridge which was quite cool and delay the defrosting till i woke properly.

A few hours later i woke and checked the fridge. The collecting tray needed emptying but otherwise everything was fine. No mess. Yah !

So i once again opened the fridge doors .. and went grocery shopping.

When i returned with my groceries the collecting tray was full once again including sheets of ice that had fallen from the outer edges of the freezer.

So i emptied that and then wiped the sheets of ice from the inside of the freezer

and voila the fridge was defrosted.

I woke about 3am and decided to go out for a smoke. Nodding at the front desk clerk I headed out the door. and went to sit on a ledge about 20 feet from the front door which I had done many, many times before.

this time a young man came along. a well dressed good-looking young man and he sat down beside me. he looked out of place from the street people who are frequently out & about at that hour. or the young partiers who are making their way home in pairs or groups.

anyway the guy sits beside me & starts chatting. says he’s from cuba and we have a decent chat. then he starts saying he would like to have sex. so we continue chatting including about sex in general. I say I no longer have an interest in sex. that may have been after he said he would like to have sex with me.

so we have a conversation interspersed with him coming back to wanting to have sex. he even got as far as saying he was prepared to pay. at which point I said gee there’s usually girls around that you could do business with. and I scanned the street and seriously there was not one other soul in sight. Yikes !

cos usually there is always one or 2 people wandering by. lots of homeless peeps walking to keep warm. And I realise I’m on the sidewalk all alone with this guy who wants to have sex with me. And he’s sitting between me and the door to the hostel ! 

I now look at him closely and see that his eyes are glazed. so not necessarily drunk but high on something.

just as I’m trying to decide whether it’s better that I stand up or remain sitting, the front door of the hostel opens and out walks a guy. tiny little guy who doesn’t even see me & dude sitting on the periphery of the lights from the hostel. but it’s enough to alert sex-crazed dude to get up and walk away. And I went back inside feeling super grateful.

Monday morning I started my “avoiding prohibitive street parking costs 9am-6pm”. And what a fascinating experience. The weather was hot and free parking spaces few and far between. I had taken my laptop with me and found that an a&w had good wifi reception but also found that I felt I could only stay there for a certain length of time. So I spent the day moving around as I felt that I had kinda worn out my welcome at certain spots.

And then I thought this is how the homeless must feel. How long can I loiter without putting myself in the position of being asked to move along. I remembered how once doing an exercise to determine our biggest fear I had identified a big fear of being “cold, hungry and alone” and I got that’s part of what I’m accessing at the moment. i sense i have accessed that fear at a deeper level and released some residue.

The next day I visited a new friend in suburbia. as I drove up to her house it was like I re-visited my time in suburbia the good, the bad and the ugly, even the parts I thought I wanted to experience and didn’t get a chance to experience. and partly it felt foreign as tho i was feeling i can’t believe that i ever found such a setting to be desirable. who was i or what was i thinking when i lived in a house almost identical to the one i’m parked in front of. In that 60 second experience it evaporated. bye bye suburbia. been there done that. Finished thank you.

And there were miracles. The day before I was to meet my new friend I thought geesh Sharon your car is filthy inside and out. and I mean filthy especially inside, to the point where I was almost embarrassed. So as I was driving along what do I spot but a ‘car wash” sign. I pull in and learn that they have a “special for seniors” $15 for interior & exterior cleaning. And they did a fantastic job !

In sept 2012 i decided to “go hosteling”. so I headed out. beautiful weather. peaceful wait at the ferry terminal. as I sat waiting to board the ferry I pulled out my journal which I have used only scantily over the past couple of years. and I began to channel. well I’ve done a bit of channelling before but this connection was “full. deep & full”. i could feel the energy of several women i had known. could feel how each of them are part of me or that I am connected to each of their energies. and i could feel the energy of our collective worst fear (poor material circumstances). and also a hope that I/we will be able to pull ourselves out of those circumstances. these women would energetically be travelling with me.

Travel to the hostel went well. the street adjacent to the hostel has angled parking which makes it almost a parking lot. So I parked easily and as parking is free on Sundays I unloaded my stuff at my leisure. My hostel room is small. I don’t know if I can describe how small. It does give me an opportunity to exercise my creative organizing skill and almost brings a laugh.

Everything about the hostel is workable certainly far short of luxurious but workable. Maybe the most interesting part is that I really like the feel of the area. And what is particularly interesting is that my new downtown hood is home to an eclectic mix of office workers, tourists, hippies, homeless etc. and I love the atmosphere.

and i find that being in a new environment allows me to be much more observant in my “people watching”. all of my senses seem more highly attuned in this unfamiliar setting. for example when i step outside for a smoke and am joined by hostel staff or other guests i am intrigued by some of the comments re the street people who are our neighbors. so in a way it’s like i am doing a survey of how do i truly want to live. outside of the expectations by which i have always lived. i can feel myself going deeper into myself. i can feel that i’m allowing in more of my essence and eventually i’ll stabilize.

Several years ago, i heard a channelled message that said that many of us would encounter breathing issues. For some reason that fact stayed with me and a few times over the years it would pop into my awareness and i would think gee i haven’t heard anyone speak about breathing issues.

A few years ago, i found i was not inclined to walk very far. I became physically unbalanced and quite tired. Then one day while going for a short walk, i noticed something changed in my breathing. It felt like i had just exhaled, when previously i would have inhaled. After that, this experience occurred from time to time and i noticed that walking up steep inclines, even short steep inclines, left me almost breathless.

last night falling off to sleep, i noticed i was doing something different with my breath and it had something to do with energy. something about connecting my energy with my out-breath rather than taking energy in with my in-breath. i’ve been doing it backwards. and i sense that comes from being a sponge in my early years. previously i was absorbing from my environment rather than exhaling my energy into my environment.

Adamus popped in, to remind me that he had taught shadhar (infusing objects with our breath to bring them to life). i sense this new breathing goes deeper than shadhar, which involved objects that already exist. i feel sending or infusing our energy on our exhale is how we actually create things even objects. as jim self says an apple will simply appear in our hand.

what i experienced last night, also had a sensation in my skeletal structure. like the large bones in the shoulders were involved. And dragons were in there too, because my new exhales carry a sound like we’ve all done when we’re letting off steam 🙂

yesterday I accessed some very old compacted energy that was almost bitter tasting. a few minutes later I identified it as the energy of “I want”.

I had so suppressed my energy of “I want” that it was bitter and almost fermented. I have never allowed myself to truly feel “I want”. I have held myself back from success / achieving since age 6 and the stagnant energy is from wants / desires that I did not allow myself to pursue.

And in my back, behind where i sense / feel my stagnant energy, I can sometimes feel a vice like grip that is painful and that I have associated with many things. but just now I got that it is an aspect or part that I put in place to protect me by holding me back and not allowing me to pursue hopes and dreams. gawd that’s huge.

I’m hoping that now I can release it or embrace it or whatever the hell it is that we do with our aspects/parts.

as I was parking my car after coming home from the grocery store my upstairs neighbor pointed out that I had an “almost-flat” tire. i looked at the tire with the rim almost resting on the ground and was amazed at the feelings that then overcame me. i almost got to the “this is the end of the line sweetheart, time to rejoin the real world *gasp*.” it had a feeling of . are u going to react / respond . the old way . or the new way. 

such a little thing. except my car has been with my for my entire spiritual journey. and i have been totally taking it for granted. suddenly thoughts came of . omg i think i remember that my jack was rusty so i threw it out years ago . and i’m not even sure i have a spare tire. because for years i lived in the city and carried an auto- assistance card so thought no problem . if i need help i will call the auto-assistance people. but here i am now on a small island with no auto-assistance people to call. and suddenly i felt quite ill-prepared. even began questioning several decisions i had made along the way that led me to my current circumstances.

so i breathed for a bit. then got in my car and drove the 2 miles to the mechanic and said “i need help”. got the tire pumped up and tomorrow it will be repaired. but the integration of those overwhelming feelings left me feeling very vulnerable for several days. to the point of cancelling a visit from a friend 2 days after cos i felt it very important that i ground the integration that was taking place. possibly i was integrating something at my core.

when my appointment was taking place I asked about the switch for my signal lights mechanic said oh oh those are expensive maybe $400. I thought well if it’s $400 then it’s $400 cos when I do highway driving it’s a safety concern. mechanic checked his computer said oh wow they’ve lowered the price. now would cost about $250. I said ok i’ll come in next month to make an appointment cos I like to have spacing between my appointments.

i was listening to some channeled material and st germain was asking if we’re ready to “Go Beyond”.

For about 5 mins St G talks about how if we gave permission to Go Beyond our life would change

and the changes might be drastic.

I’m sorta playing with the idea of well how drastic could changes in my life be.

I’ve already Let Go of so much.

St G says we don’t need to decide now, that the space will be kept open,

we can come back later and decide etc. etc

And I FEEL that I have decided to wait and come back later.

Then St G continues saying but we’re at a fork in the road

and people who give permission will go down one fork

and those who do not will go down the other fork

so in a minute he’s going to ask who gives permission.

And at that moment I became conscious that my soul / consciousness whatever HAD GIVEN PERMISSION

and little human me is sitting here thinking / feeling Oh Wow I get the concept

AND

OMG I gave permission.

I had decided to walk to the mall for some cigarettes. As I was putting on my shoes I had the thought to knock on my neighbor’s door to see if she wanted to walk with me. When my neighbor opened her door I saw 5/6 garbage bags full of stuff that she had cleared out of her closets and was wondering how she would get them to the nearby thrift store.

After a bit of discussion we decided that we could use my car and park in the “no parking area” with the flashers on and after helping my neighbor unload her stuff I would stay with the car while she tossed the bags thru the door of the thrift shop.

Driving home she & I talked about how amazing it was that I chose that morning to knock on her door and that I had the means to help her do what she wanted to do.

Later reviewing the events I formulated a theory as to what happened. The theory goes like this: Friday evening my neighbor looked at the 5/6 bags and thought: how am I going to get these to the thrift store? This thought-form then started a Google search and at 10 am the next morning matched up with my thought-form of going for cigarettes. I was the perfect Solution for my neighbor and in my ear was put the suggestion to knock on my neighbor’s door.

So I think that we can Create by saying “I Choose to get these bags to the thrift store” it worked for my neighbor

i just woke from an interesting sleep experience. it seemed i had come across or entered a timeline that was collapsing and that timeline contained a clone of me. a clone with almost zippo life force.

instinctively i found myself jumpstarting the life force of the clone who managed to increase her life force to about 40% before the timeline finished its collapse and off the clone of me went.

next i felt a prod on my right heel like a needle prod and i sensed a being/entity that was doing the prodding. she & i did a bit of huffing & puffing at each other until i realised that as i strengthened my huffing & puffing she got stronger. so i decided to change tactics and soften what i was directing her way at which point she also softened.

i had a moment of doubt whether or not i was being fooled by her “surrender” but part of me chose to say ok you can now choose. huff & puff or soften and i rolled over in bed turning my back to her.

didn’t hear from her again