after decades of living in denial and running to new jobs, cities and relationships, 10 years ago i began to more and more cut off from myself until a couple of years later i was totally isolated.

that’s when i “heard” a message saying “stay put”. it appeared at first like i was to “stay put” geographically as my attempts to run repeatedly failed. Then i realised “stay put” also meant to face myself which i did for 5 years reading, journalling and watching videos and webinars. eventually i joined fb groups and webinars sometimes even braving video participation.

then a couple of years ago my higher self arranged a geographical move. this time to shared accommodation which has forced/allowed me to observe my behavior in relation to others. i feel like i’m dealing with an adolescent self who doesn’t understand how “real life” works. i have come to realise that i grew up with the trauma of emotional neglect which has only recently been acknowleged as a form of trauma so wasn’t covered in my years of counselling or self-help exploration.

as i was typing i had a realisation. my inner child is the one who never grew up, doesn’t feel confident in knowing “how the real world works”. she has been constantly overruled by my adult self who has required of her that she become serious rather than playful and do “work” and not “play” which feels like she was required to do things that her heart wasn’t in.

and my adult self lied to her telling her that someday she would be able to play, that she wouldn’t have to work “for ever”. but to a child years seem for ever. i thought i would be writing that i have to forgive my adult self and possibly i do for her lying tho i also need to thank her for keeping us safe.