“Don’t fut on yourself”

Glancing out the window of my apartment

I saw that some neighbors were setting up for a lawn sale.

My eyes went to a piece of furniture.

Oh I love the golden colored wood frame and the muslin cloth cushions.

But what is it exactly?

To satisfy my curiosity, I walked outside for a closer look.

It was a Futon sofa in two sections

that could be used as either a loveseat & ottoman combination

or as a bed.

I loved it and it would be perfect in my little apartment.

Then the “buts” set in:

But I don’t have room unless I get rid of my current sofa.

But I would need help moving the sofa out and the futon in.

But my apartment isn’t clean enough to have people in to help me.

And by the time I had put my buts to rest the futon was gone.

However all was not lost

as it did give my friends an opportunity to coin the phrase

“Don’t fut on yourself”

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Maybe, it’s like the song “I’m Already Gone.”

In a dream I got up from the desk in my office and went into the hallway.

The hallway had changed

and now had a door between my office and the neighboring office

and my office was now part of offices belonging to a different company.

I felt in No Man’s Land between my old company and this new company.

Following this dream I began noticing a new reaction on my part

to phone calls from clients.

The reaction was that many times I didn’t seem to respond

to the point where the client must have wondered if I was actually still present.

It didn’t necessarily feel like withdrawal or avoidance in the old sense

just a blankness.

Like one client did the intimidating thing – no response from me just a blank.

Another client did the poor me why is no-one helping me thing – no response from me just a blank.

It’s not that I felt anger or fear in response to the intimidating client

or Oh Please in response to the poor me client

it’s like part of my mind was saying this has nothing to do with me.

Maybe, it’s like the song “I’m Already Gone.”

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My part that has feared being homeless.

Over the course of the past few years

i have become aware that i have a part

that has feared being homeless.

today i saw that that fear of being homeless

is really a fear of not being “welcomed home” by myself ! 

I’m still collecting the breadcrumbs

to make a story that i can integrate

but i sense a connection to

waking from a nap and feeling an energy of regret

and then feeling into a body pain

above my right pelvic bone

which said “i have sinned”.

 

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my 2019 lions gate experience

i participated in a lions gate webinar meditation so i was wide open energetically when a neighbor mom + toddler knocked on my door. they tend to visit when mom doesn’t work. kid plays with rocks & sticks while mom & i smoke & chat.

today 1/2 hr after webinar meditation i had just cooked my lunch when i heard their knock. i thought ok i’ll take my lunch outside and eat.

opened the door and toddler had brought toys and the 2 of them were happily ensconced on my patio.

part of me went beserk (fortunately silently beserk).

so i had lunch then said well i’m going inside and they gathered up their belonging and left.

but my beserk aspect that got activated took a few hours to integrate.

started with being taken advantage of, disrespected. so asked myself where i don’t value/respect myself.

then moved on to feeling my space had been invaded (dna carry over from my mother’s lineage indigenous roots).

then resolution by realising feeling invaded energetically by my mother as an infant. and i had pushed her away and closed myself down.

so i thought i have that pattern. when i let people in energetically i also tend to push them away and shut down. even with love.

huge aha.

between my beserk aspect and going to bed i spent a lot of time sitting outside and i could feel the trees drawing energy out of my system. energy that i am choosing to release.

Then i had an interesting night.

my consciousness went to a spot in my body that i have referred to as my wound. i was told that it was a portal and did i want to close it.

i thought well that would be a new experience so i agreed.

as the energy started to close the portal i had the fear thought of leaving something familiar and what would we do without it etc. hesitated for a split second then proceeded. and it closed.

once closed i had the thought now i can do magic. what magic would i like to do/create. practical things like new clothes, new home came to mind. but no answer to what activities or passions.

and i realised because i had let my mother invade my energy boundaries at such a young age and then had shut down that i no longer knew what i truly wanted to do. what excites me or makes me happy.

the wound area reminds me of a visit from st germain in 2007/08. he asked me if i wanted to receive my abundance. i said hell yes.

and i felt that abundance enter the front of my body in the area that i later came to call my wound. the abundance entered my body and passed right on thru and exited the back of my body and i had a vision of a burlap sack with $ sign attached to the exit point. burlap sack with $ sign like bank robbers in cartoons.

couple of years later i brought home my bank robber aspect and my body was flooded with shame.

i’m sensing i was carrying karma that didn’t allow me to have abundance cos of past shame about being a bank robber.

akashic reading said my lineage had been involved in shady dealings re land.

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my 2017 lions gate experience

roaaaar … sharing my 8/8 lions gate experience.

for the past couple of weeks the idea of a session with eric raines of unleashing natural humanity has been floating around in my awareness.

on aug 5 i opened my computer to see a post from eric that he had a cancellation in 3 days time thus 1 spot was available. it took me about 2 minutes to claim the spot for myself. 3 days from aug 5 was aug 8 !!!! and what a powerful session it turned out to be.

one BIGGIE during the session was eric said my yin energy was being drained off. not being allowed to complete its circuit.

said i have huge nurturing energy abilities which was meant to nurture the planet but was being drained off so i couldn’t do so.

so he closed up the hole where the energy was draining, sealed the opening and got my energy circulating properly.

then he had me hold my hands out in front of me and “enclose the earth” and imagine a ring of doors or gates around the earth and send my energy to them.

i saw the ring of double doors BURST OPEN.

later i “got” that the energy he helped me access was the energy of HOPE.

as i emailed to eric “HOPE is an energy that was in the air when i was born shortly after the end of ww2 (dubbed the war to end all wars). so hopefully what we unleashed was renewed hope to end all wars”. eric agreed that the energy was HOPE which is badly needed right now.

and i cried remembering that during the years that i was immersed in crimson circle material how touched i had been by references of HOPE.
“Hope is the fulfillment of that which was imagined by the order of the Arc. It is to allow creation to move forward, but in a new balance. Hope. Hope is the dream that can be turned into a reality when it is transmuted by a human angel. Hope is a type of passion. Hope is a new day realized. Hope is when energies of Home are materialized in a new place, such as Earth. Interesting energy it is – Hope. It is not one of frivolous dreams and of wishes. Hope is a foundation energy. It is, in a sense, about pre-creation. It is the energy of what will come next. . Special channel . Angel of hope

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an aspect that anticipated armageddon

as I was climbing the stairs to the washroom

of the ferry terminal building

I felt a pressure in my chest.

like my heart was stretching and expanding so much

that it felt almost like pain.

pressure/pain in my whole chest area.

I had the thought

is this what a heart attack feels like.

is this how I am going to die.

collapsing on an outside metal stairway.

Then my chest pain lessened

and i finished my climb to the washrooms.

While i sat on the toilet i shook

and so much fear left my system.

Then when i was walking back to my car

i felt this aspect that said

I didn’t expect to get this old.

I don’t know how to be old.

I never expected this.

To be old here.

And i sensed this was an aspect that anticipated armageddon.

That the world would end

preventing her/me from getting “older”

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my first “punch in the gut”

yesterday i traveled back in time

to feeling my first “punch in the gut”

when i learned there was no santa claus

who i had equated with magic.

and i realised i would be limited

by what my young farm parents

could provide by way of physical comforts.

i think that was when i accepted

the concept of limitation.

since re-visiting that memory

things have been a bit weird. 

just now i was sitting outside

and i thought just like me

nature is exhibiting a bit of everything right now.

a new bud on my rogue petunia

contrasted with dead leaves from the arbutus trees.

slightly overcast sky with light wind

while the temp is almost stifling

from the extreme sun not much earlier.

like everything showing itself at once.

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one rogue petunia ready to blossom

i live on an island

where the main challenge to having a flower garden

is negotiating with the deer

who seem to think flowers are planted to supplement their diet.

A couple of years ago

after 3 years of participating in the deer-challenge

i decided to concede

and turn to other pursuits.

imagine my surprise yesterday

when i walked by an abandoned planter

and saw one rogue petunia ready to blossom

rebirth !!!!

 

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i woke feeling “dry”

this morning i woke feeling “dry”

different than having a dry mouth or feeling dehydrated.

more like sand or chalk especially my brain and 3rd eye.

like my body fluids were low or had been drained.

took several minutes of sitting outside before i felt back to normal balance.

i had woken in the night and noticed the indicator light on my laptop was on

tho usually i am quite reliable about shutting my laptop off at night

as it sits on a desk in my bedroom

and i tell myself that shutting it off might reduce the effect of wifi in the room.

so last night my computer was on while i slept.

might be a connection especially as i hold the thought that there might be.

later i wondered if i unearthed a memory of having been embalmed.

off to google that process

The methods of embalming, or treating the dead body, that the ancient Egyptians used is called mummification.

Using special processes, the Egyptians removed all moisture from the body, leaving only a dried form that would not easily decay.

aha !

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dancing wisps of blue

behind closed eyelids i saw a black & blue explosion

a vision that i have viewed many times before tho not recently.

it felt like i was seeing only with my left eye.

i decided to confirm this left eye only theory

and felt my left eyelid being gently + slowly pried open.

when my eye was open to a slit

it was like there were 2 images or versions of the same image.

one behind my eyelid

and one in front of my eyelid external to my body.

i even momentarily questioned if i had created the external version

or if it had escaped thru the slit.

then i opened my left eye

and the external version of the explosion morphed

into little wisps of only the blue.

the black was gone.

i felt the little wisps were alive.

they danced like the northern lights.

one at a time as i recall.

individual little orbs or waves.

i laid there watching them

marveling that i wasn’t afraid.

they stayed maybe a minute. perhaps allowing me to get used to them.

i sensed they were open to communication but i wasn’t quite ready.

chose to just lie there and get used to their presence.

later. maybe even a separate dream/vision

i felt myself being lifted on a platform or magic carpet by several of these blue beings.

i thought “going home” maybe even heard that telepathically from them.

at which point my practical mind kicked in

and i thought of the paperwork mess that my daughter would be left with if i left the planet now.

then i looked around to see if my son was there.

felt like i stopped or lowed liftoff with each practical thought / consideration

and the scene stopped.

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