oh-we-should-have-told-you

i belong to a facebook group that asks “what was your small win this week”

my small win this week is that i didn’t panic when i discovered my car keys missing while i was grocery shopping !!!

before i entered the grocery store, i stood next to my car and took off the extra shirt i was wearing, tossing the shirt on the back seat of my car.

15-20 minutes later i reached into my pocket where i always keep my keys and NO KEYS !!

i felt panic arising but managed to nip it in the bud, mostly because i carry an extra set of keys in my purse.

i DID consider the idea to make a quick exit from the store to look for my keys beside my parked car. then i thought i’m like 95% finished shopping so finish up before heading to the checkout.

once at my car there were no keys on the ground and none beside my discarded shirt on the backseat. i considered going into the store to ask if anybody had turned in missing keys but something guided me not to. i reassured myself that if the keys didn’t turn up, i could ask next time i was at the store.

when i got out of my car at home i discovered my keys lodged into a corner of the driver’s seat of my car.

i got a message which surprised me initially, then made perfect sense.

the message was, that it isn’t about taking up a cause on behalf of another culture or race.

that is a continuation of the thinking, that as a white person, i know best what’s in the best good of another culture or race.

i don’t.

in this lifetime i only know, how to be white.

but there are many variations of “being white”.

my responsibility is to become the best version of “being white” that i can, while also cheering on others to become the best version of their particular color or culture as they can be.

then we have only best versions of every color and culture.

for me, forgiviness started out with me blaming an ex-partner for his treatment of me.

that lasted until i saw the ways in which behavior of mine had also contributed to the downfall of our relationship.

next i explored my relationship with my parents.

first my mother whom i had turned my back on as a young adult determined to be nothing like her or her life.

decades later i realised she did the best she could given the circumstances of her life and the times she was living in and i developed compassion for her.

i thought my father had less impact on my live but as i went along with my healing, i recognised the impact that his emotional absence had on my life.

this also was a sign of the times he was living in and exposed to.

I see forgiveness as a combination of acceptance and compassion.

so for me, to see forgiveness as a way of me “dispensing a sacrament”, i’ll leave up to the churches.

yesterday morning i made a phone call that was hard for me to make.
all day an emotional program ran in the background of my mind, mostly unnoticeably, tho sometimes it felt like i was sad or i was grieving in some way.
when i was waking this morning, my awareness rested on a spot in my body that felt clogged and warm.
focusing my attention on the spot, i sensed it was a version of my inner child who said “you never said you were proud of me”

i woke thinking about being “in the in-between state” and remembering a few years ago also being “in the in-between state”

which may have been my first time there or at least the first time i was aware of being there

a few years ago the experience felt more elusive, like i was in a trance or slow-motion, i/it felt very tentative.

this year the experiences feel more full on, more intense. i see things more clearly, respond more quickly.

and once the dust settles i realise the situation has called on me to make a choice of going into fear or trusting i’ll be ok with the outcome.

when i want to do something but can’t bring myself to do it, i consciously sit and allow my 2 “sides” to have a conversation. my “i want” side and my “i don’t want” side.
eventually the 2 sides come to an agreement, sometimes a compromise, sometimes a totally different solution. and the good news is the “conversation” takes less time as we go along.
some of the early conversations are actually humorous to remember. for example one time i walked by a sink full of dirty dishes and thought i really should wash those but i didn’t want to. eventually one part of me said “we aren’t going to wash the dishes, we’re only going to stack them”. this involved taking the dishes out of the sink and sorting them into piles – plates, bowls, cutlery etc. then i sat for a while. then the part said “we aren’t going to wash the dishes, we’re only going to put them to soak”. that involved filling the sink with hot soapy water and putting in the dishes. step-by-step until eventually the dishes got washed without my i-don’t-want part rebelling.
(in answer to a question of Did you learn how to do it or did you just start to do it intuitively?) i started intuitively or it started intuitively thru me. i have since read of others’ experiences doing parts work but i haven’t taken any courses. my experience was that as i went along i wasn’t always able to differentiate my “parts”. maybe what happened is i got into deeper subjects than washing dishes. when i got into conversations about values or beliefs i sometimes forgot that only a part of me felt that way or believed that, because it sure felt like 100% of me.

I had rather forgotten about the whole issue of a possible talk with the VP as my son was visiting and we were doing family stuff. My son left one morning and that evening I remembered the work thing and I thought, “Hey, I must have escaped that ordeal”. Not so! The next morning I got the “I need to see you for a few minutes” email from the VP.

Since the request was by email, I decided to take a smoke break before I responded. I was amazed at the feelings that came up during this smoke break. I don’t want to do more accounts. Well, maybe I could do this much more. Maybe I could trade one of my smaller accounts for a larger one, etc. etc.

I even saw myself start the tape that said, “don’t you dare change things, I want things to stay just the way they are, until I have manifested what I really want”.

And then I remembered, that I had been seeing my job as temporary and wondering why “what I really want” had not been manifesting. Aha! – “what I really want” has not been manifesting because I have been holding onto “things staying just the way they are until….”

This Aha threw me into total confusion. I can’t remember the last time I was so unbalanced.

But Someone accompanied me to that talk because I ended up with things staying the same. And not by my own doing. I wasn’t capable of negotiating. At one point I even said to the VP, “I don’t even know what I want”.

So, maybe the “good news” from this is that we are somehow “protected” and almost can’t screw up.

yesterday morning i felt a huge release of my female lineage’s condemnation of various male family members who excessively favored “sex, alcohol and aggression”.

as the day went on i found myself moving into compassion for the male members, several of whom i had known or lived with.

then in my sleep i was shown/asked if i could feel the same level of compassion for myself. and you know what. i COULDN’T.

we explored the idea of a sense of superiority. i could extend that level of compassion to others because others “needed” that level of compassion, but i didn’t NEED it because i was “superior”. i was meant to GIVE compassion not to RECEIVE it. 

we also explored the idea of worthiness. possibly i didn’t feel worthy of this level of compassion.

still a work in process 

I am tired,

I want to rest, to be comforted, and to be supported.

All of you, now that you can see the Finish Line,

want to cross that line and bask in the glory.

That will come.

There’s just a bit more work to be done before the basking.

It’s actually harder now that the Finish Line is in sight.

Do not go backwards.

Remember that you are never alone,

that you are loved, and that you will be cared for.

Is cared for the same as provided for?

You will provide for yourself with our assistance.

And who are you who will be assisting me?

We are your Angelic Team,

those who have known you in other lifetimes and in other Realities.

We come here now to assist you as you take this very important next step,

important both in your own development

and in the development of Humanity.

We Thank You for your Agreement to take this step

and for the courage that you show by doing so.