My Awakening (and my book) Continues #15

The manager of the apartment building where I live was teasing me, because I usually seem to vacuum at the same time as she is vacuuming in the hall outside my door. She said to me “You’re not vacuuming?” I looked around and said “No my place is clean.”

Then in my sleep I dreamed that I was in an apartment where there were Dust Bunnies all over the place – I mean there were Dust Bunnies on the walls!

And when I woke this morning there were so many Dust Bunnies in my apt. I couldn’t believe it. None on the walls granted but in several places on the floor. And less than 24 hours after it had been Clean! I guess I’m wondering if the Dust Bunnies followed me home.

*

My son emails about his new baby, his first child. He’s so excited, can’t believe he’s actually a dad etc.  At one point, he says he thinks the baby looks like him. I look at the picture he has emailed of the baby and I think, does she? I totally forget, that I have never been “good” at seeing who babies look like. So I ask, if his wife agrees. He answers that everyone agrees. Do I stop then? No, I write back, well I can see yes to the forehead and the eyes, don’t know about the lower face.

Later, I’m walking along and I think, what was that about? What came to me, was that it was about insecurity on my part. Thoughts of what kind of mother can’t tell whether this baby looks like her son did when he was a baby

After receiving the next batch of pictures I sent an email that said, “Have I mentioned that your daughter grows more beautiful in each picture, and since she looks like her dad, she will continue to do so?”   And you know what? The guy stepped right back onto his old Joyful Papa path. It was like my previous comments had been erased from his Reality.

*

I decided to walk to the neighborhood London Drugs for some items. As I was preparing to leave my apt, I saw some “2 for 1” coupons from McDonalds which is next door to London Drugs. I don’t think I can remember the last time I was in a McDonald’s, yet I felt nudged to slip these coupons into my pocket. I then found myself walking directly to McDonalds and ordering 2 Big Mac dinners to go.

I was waiting for the dinners to be delivered to me, and asking myself, what was I going to do with 2 McDonald dinners, when my bag of food arrived. As I turned around with the bag of food in my hand, one of the small tables emptied, so I went and sat down and began opening the bag of food. As I did so, I became aware of a man with the appearance of a homeless or street person sitting beside me, nursing a coffee.

I heard myself asking him if he had had his dinner. He said no, he hadn’t. So I said, well now I know why I ordered 2 dinners, and I set out a dinner for each of us. Once our dinners were set out, we each read our paper and ate our dinner with no more interaction with each other.

As I was leaving, the man said Thank You and gave me the most grateful smile. I walked away thinking of the perfection, that he was there at that time, that I ordered 2 dinners, that the table beside him was the one that became available etc.

I also thought of the flip side, of him sitting there hungry, smelling the food, and then being presented with a dinner. And I thought of how I want to remember this, at times when I’m sitting somewhere, wondering how I am going to receive something that I would like to have. That maybe at that very moment, there is someone walking towards me with the very piece that I am missing.

*

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My Awakening (and my book) Continues #14

A new member joined a Discussion Group that I attend. As this new member shared some of her life experiences to date, I was thinking how she seemed intelligent, optimistic, had led a most interesting life, and had had some amazing insights. As I was walking home, I asked why my mind was “abuzz”. The answer I got was “from listening to all of that woman’s ‘facts’.” Hmmm. I noticed that my chest was tight, which for me, usually indicates the presence of “anger energy”. So, I walked and I Breathed, and yet I couldn’t connect with anything that I was angry about.  Then one comment of the woman’s “sharing” came to my mind, and I thought, she’s the one who is angry, and I have picked up this “angry energy” from her.  

I walked down to the beach for the Fireworks, found a tree facing the barge, and sat down to enjoy my hotdog. I finished the hotdog just as the fireworks began, so I stood up to lean my back against the tree.  As I was tossing my napkin into the garbage bin, I noticed a man leaning against the side of “my” tree. Thinking that I recognized him, I turned in the twilight for a closer look. Nope, not the guy I thought. But my mind registered that he was a handsome hunk of a male.  As the fireworks progressed, I became very aware of the energy of this hunk beside me (well on the side of my tree). As I continued to watch the fireworks, I could feel the hunk’s energy and mine meet and blend in a very balancing way. At one point, it felt like the most natural thing to do, would be to reach out for his hand. Amazing! I considered that when the fireworks were over, I might tell him how much I had enjoyed his energy, that he had lovely energy – whatever. Then I decided, No, if I freak him out, I will spoil this wonderful sensation that I am having and which I am going to take home with me. So that’s what I did. 

Another warm summer day I wandered out, picked up a falafel wrap and headed to the beach where I sat on a bench. As I began opening my falafel, I noticed that a man seated nearby had turned to stare at me. I could “feel” that he wanted my food. I found myself resenting that he was interfering with my enjoyment.  Then my old tapes started playing: “maybe I’ll eat half and then give him the rest, maybe I’ll give him $5 so he can buy something for himself”. Then I thought, but this feeling isn’t coming from my core, I feel that I’m reacting to energy that he’s putting out.  As I had this realization, I could feel my energy somewhat congealing into a ball and forming a bit of a shield between the man and me. My energy seemed to do this on its own. I had the thought that my energy was choosing to keep itself “intact”.  At this point the man got restless, stood up, stretched, walked about and then laid on the grass directly in front of me – and now closer to me than he had been when sitting on the bench. Even though he was lying on his back and facing away from me, I was very aware of his energy – and it was on my food.  After lying on the ground for a few minutes, the man got up and came to sit behind me on the bench. I didn’t turn around to see how close he was, but my energy body must have thought he was really close, as I felt it develop a thicker wall between us. After a few more minutes, having eaten all of my Falafel, I decided to leave – without looking back. As I walked away my mind searched, asking “Have you no compassion, do you not think it would have been loving to share?” But another part of me said, this was about more than compassion or being loving. This was about learning to contain your energy and to choose with whom you are going to share it.

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My Awakening (and my book) Continues #13

The province where I live has House Lotteries offering lovely houses as prizes. I had come up with the idea that I would Put Out the Intention, that I would win one of these houses and develop a Retreat where others could join me in my Personal and Spiritual Growth. I had a really good feeling when I attended the viewing of a House that I thought would be suitable for a Retreat, so I bought a ticket. But I didn’t win.

I had felt so strongly that I was going to win that house.

Yes, for a time it appeared that you would.

Then why didn’t I?

There were several reasons. You were not really ready, a lesson for you in romantic relationships became available, and the floor plan was not right remember?

So have I been too demanding as to how the house should be?

Why do you tend to think that there was something wrong on your part when your requests are not answered in the way that you hoped? Do you think that it is possible that the timing was just not right? Or that you had other lessons to learn first?

*

While waiting for another suitable house to become available, I had done a drawing that modified the floor plan of the first house. The floor plan of the second house was exactly as I had drawn, but the house was on a busy street. I came home somewhat frustrated after viewing this house.

So are you accepting the idea of continuing at your job as opposed to being at the Lottery House?

I hadn’t expected an entrance on a busy street.

But you asked for it to be near a bus stop.

I was thinking maybe a block away.

Oh.

Stepping onto the deck was certainly wonderful.

That is in response to your desire to have a deck where people can sit and enjoy the ocean.

The floor plan is as I had drawn it.

So do you want the house?

Yes I would love it.

Yet you still have trouble believing it could be possible, do you not?

Yes I do. Why is that?

It is because you have a Belief that wonderful things do not happen for someone like you.

What does someone like me mean?

Someone who has never had these wonderful things.

Someone who has not worked hard enough.

Someone who is not deserving of them.

These are your beliefs. They are not ours.

*

I received a brochure on another Lottery House that looked like it might be suitable for my Retreat House idea. The Lottery Foundation had purchased a waterfront estate, which had then been divided into 4 lots. I had visited the first house when it was built and had then wandered across the remaining land finding myself drawn to a spot at the water’s edge.

As I stood on that spot with the wind in my face, I sensed that I had stood there before. It seemed to be some kind of a Power Spot for me as I felt both grounded and transported to another dimension at the same time. This Power Spot was on what I considered to be the most beautiful of the vacant lots. I had the feeling that my house would be built on that lot.  Well the house in the brochure was on the beautiful lot – but my Power Spot was actually on the neighboring lot whose view of the ocean was much less expansive.

Perhaps because the current house was on the lot with the view that I loved, I spent some time evaluating. One house had the view that I loved but did not contain my Power Spot. Also the house was not totally to my liking – it was stucco whereas I prefer wood, and it had black trim, which is possibly my least favorite color.

Is this about me needing to make a choice?

This is about issues and priorities. That was a valuable exercise that you did about comparing how you would feel if you were already sitting in your house on the ocean watching the rain – that you would be having the same thoughts and feelings as you are having now, just in a more glorious setting.

So it isn’t about the House, it’s about me?

Yes.

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My Awakening (and my book) Continues #12

I am a novice computer user – albeit an adventurous one. One morning as I was trying to unfreeze my computer, I found this thing that said “Defragment”. Sensing that this would help, I started it up. I watched a little nervously as the program started. I may be adventurous – but not totally without fear.

A few minutes into the defragment, I realized that I was feeling an “energy exchange” with the computer, like we were going through something together – something that felt like a “birth”. Part of me wanted to go and have my morning salt bath while another part felt that I would like to stay with my computer / friend who was going through this “birth”.

After a few more minutes, I felt that it was appropriate for me to leave my computer / friend to defrag while I had my bath. When I returned to my computer / friend, she was still defragging. I sat with “her” and tears came to my eyes – this is big for me as tears do not easily come to my eyes. I watched “her” process in fascination of “Oh look how one part seems to go ahead to clear the way for the part that is following.”

And each time the program went back to pick up a little piece that seemed to have been flagged and left behind, more tears came to my eyes. I thought that’s like what I seem to be doing. Each time I have some new learning, it’s like I go back and heal little pieces from my past that were wounded because I didn’t have the necessary learning at the time.
*

I discovered that “would-be thieves” had been in my car but had been unable to steal it. I was grateful that the car hadn’t been stolen, grateful that the car would still start despite the gearbox having been tampered with and grateful that the registration papers had been left on the floor of the car.

But I was in shock at the condition of the car’s interior and amazed at how much this affected me. Emotional reactions that started with how could I have been so Trusting and so Foolish as to leave my garage unlocked (though my car had been safe for 18 months in this unlocked garage). Then came guilt, as my car has served me well since I bought it several years earlier and it has been with me essentially through my whole Spiritual Journey. In fact it has in many ways been The Constant through my Journey. And during a few times of precarious financial choices, I had promised myself that I would not jeopardize losing it.

What to do next? The car’s interior now felt to be “below the standard” of what I was allowing myself to believe that I deserved. I have not been very conscientious about cleaning the car’s interior over the years and I have smoked in it, so this vandalism damage really tipped the scales. And I was “responsible” for the car now being in this condition, I was the one who had left the garage unlocked. I fluctuated, should I investigate getting a new car at a time when I was unemployed? Would I even be able to buy a new car at this time?

One day I got the Knowing that I could drive to the GM dealer and arrange for a new car lease or purchase. That seemed to release my fear that maybe purchasing another car was not an option at this time. The next day my environmentalist side kicked in with: but the exterior of your car is fine, doesn’t even look like an older car. So why would you consider replacing it?

I decided to go slowly, get the interior fixed, see how it looked and then decide. When I went to pick up my car after the repair, there it was sitting sparkling in the sunshine. “You’ve washed my car!” I exclaimed. “Yep, inside and out”, said the man. And sure enough they had even shampooed the interior. I couldn’t believe how excited I was to have my car back.

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My Awakening (and my book) Continues #11

Learning that a beginning agent was the only one available to take on my most difficult account, I offered to stay at the job for another month until other arrangements could be made. Following this additional month, my company proposed that I stay on at a reduced workload.

What is the part of me that could get excited about staying longer at my job?

Ask that Part of Yourself.

Hello Part. What Part of me are you?

The part that has frequently left without a proper goodbye.

Is there something that you would like to say?

I would like to say that I am frightened.

What are you frightened of?

I am frightened that once again you may ask me to pretend that I am big and strong and that I do not need anybody. I do need somebody. I need somebody to be there for me, somebody to tell me that I am doing a good job and that my efforts are appreciated. Someone to tell me that I am going to be OK and that I have what it takes to make my way.

I decided to stay, and accept a reduced workload. Almost immediately after starting it, I began to experience discomfort about my situation. Was I OK with being seen as a person who was being given special consideration by getting to leave the office each day at 2 or 3 pm while my colleagues were there till 5 or 6 pm?  Was I OK with allowing my company to give me this special consideration because they thought I was physically weakened, when I knew that I had a choice?  It was true that the stress of a full workload contributed to my physical symptoms of bronchitis. But I knew that these symptoms were because a large chunk of my emotional clearing involved my heart region and my breathing. So if I chose to ease back on my emotional clearing, I would be less susceptible to the bronchitis. But I didn’t want to ease back on this emotional clearing.

Initially I thought that since my reduced workload required only 4-5 hours each day, why not go to the office first thing in the morning and get those hours out of the way? But what I found was that once I had done my 4-5 hours at the office, my energy had changed and it was extremely difficult if not impossible for me to get back into the energy I had been in before I went to the office. So I set up a schedule that on 3 of the 5 mornings, allowed me to sit with myself until 10 or 11 am before I pulled myself away to go to the office. There went an Old Belief that I needed to get my chores done before I could justify having time off.

I was sitting at home one morning thinking how I had a lot of work to do that day and that if I allowed myself to sit at home until 11 am then I should expect that things would be hectic when I went to work. I held a Belief that if I goof off, I should expect to pay for it later. I decided to consider a Belief that I could sit at home until 11 am and then go to the office and all would go smoothly and quickly. And it did. There went another Belief.

The magnificent logistics of my reduced workload (lots of monies in exchange for few hours of work) was wonderful – and it was to be temporary. I immediately began wondering how I could possibly continue to have such working conditions. I realized that I wasn’t certain that I could imagine creating the same again. Why was that? Even my rational mind said, why wouldn’t your thinking be, that having done something once, you now have the template, so it would be easier to do it a second time? Why would one success not give me confidence and lead me to believe that I could do it again? Do I believe there’s only so much “good fortune” to go around and that I have had my share?

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My Awakening (and my book) Continues #10

A friend had suggested that she would like myself and another woman who was also following a Spiritual Path, to move into my friend’s house. This felt like a chance to practice a Retreat House idea I had, so I had given notice to vacate my apartment and move to my friend’s house when I returned from Japan. The third woman ended up not staying long at the house and my friend continued at her job, so we didn’t get much Retreat House experience.

When it became time to move on from my friend’s house, I checked out the apartment building by the beach where I had lived before. While I knew that I could envision living in that apartment building again, I wasn’t so certain that I could see myself back at my previous job to pay the rent.

Then one morning I asked myself what I would really like to do. Hearing that I just wanted to lie in the sun, I e-mailed a friend who spends several winter months in Arizona. Yes, my friend would be happy to have me visit. I stayed in Arizona for eight wonderful weeks by which time my funds were getting low and it was once again decision making time.

I returned to my home province and accepted an offer to stay with a friend in my old neighborhood by the beach. One day as I was walking out the front door of my friend’s building, the manager was putting up a Vacancy sign for a studio suite which I decided would be a perfect temporary solution.

Then my old job became available. While I had resistance to returning to the job, I also had fear about not taking it. I decided to take the job but it wasn’t long before I was asking why I had chosen to do so.

You have chosen to return to this job because it is the safest place for you to embrace your next stage of growth.

If I’m choosing it then why am I also resisting it?

Because only part of you is choosing it.

I have bronchitis symptoms. What’s that about?

These bronchitis symptoms are allowing for emotional clearing.

What kind of emotional clearing?

The clearing of resentment.

Resentment about what?

About the fact that you feel that others are being demanding and unreasonable, while you hold the Belief that everyone is to be reasonable and to get along. Remember your poem:

I ALWAYS THOUGHT THERE WAS ANOTHER WAY

I always thought there was another way

Though I tried to do what I heard you say

Walk don’t run and be quiet please

Act like a lady and always be nice

Follow this year’s fashions and learn to conform

Mind your manners and don’t complain

Life was meant to be difficult. Don’t be vain

Thinking you deserve a different lot

Than all of the others you see each day

It’s best to learn to live life their way

But why I asked is everyone so glum

What would be wrong with a little fun

What if we laughed and played as we worked

What if we said oh you believe that, funny I believe this

If we’re honest and kind we’ll be OK

I always thought there was another way

A way that allows us all to just be

You to be you and me to be me

Side by side we would face each new day

I always thought there was another way.

My emotional clearing by way of bronchitis symptoms, resulted in me staying home from work for a few days each of the next several months. This kept me constantly behind at my job which I found to be extremely stressfulwhich caused me to once again develop bronchitis symptoms. I felt like I was on a treadmill and I did not know how to get off. I decided that it was necessary for me to once again give Notice at my job.

Then I remembered that I had taken this Leap twice before and had not had things turn out as I had hoped they would. Was I really prepared to take that Leap again? Up came some fear, as I had not been at the job long enough to build up much in the way of savings. Still I did not feel that I could continue with the job. I told my company that I felt the need to give my 30 days Notice. Immediately after reaching this decision, I went for a walk in the beautiful sunshine and I was So Happy, thinking that we should all be out in the sunshine doing what we wanted.

I seem to be on a rampage for freedom.

You are on the Freedom Train. You chose to get on that train when you decided to attend your son’s wedding in Japan.

Did I make some commitment by agreeing to get on that train?

What has happened in your life since?

Since then, I quit my job, gave up my beautiful apartment and spent time in the homes of friends. Then I returned to my former job and got another apartment in my old neighborhood. Sometimes I wonder if I’m fooling myself that I’m progressing – and that I am actually stuck in the mud and continuously churning up the same old stuff.

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My Awakening (and my book) Continues #9

Why am I hesitant to phone my office to say that I will be staying home because I am sick?  It is about your Sense of Responsibility which is tied to the work ethic. that one must be working / contributing / producing to justify one’s existence, one’s right to be here. A part of you knows that you are well enough to go to the office today if you choose to force yourself. So you are facing guilt that you are taking advantage of someone, even though you know that it serves you to honor yourself by staying home.

Am I rather stuck around my work?  Yes, because you see it in contrast to the freedom that you are learning to have in the rest of your life. However the job is providing stability, grounding, and anchoring so that you can get clear.

Get clear about what?  About the things that you do not want. Once you get clear about what you do not want you can move towards what you do want. The first step is to stop forcing yourself to do things that you don’t really want to do.

While I had begun to realize that my days at my current job were numbered, I hadn’t reached a decision about when I might leave. Apparently Spirit had!  My son and his Japanese fiancé were awaiting my daughter’s wedding in Canada before heading off to Japan. Several family members were gathered at my daughter’s house. Discussion had led to the suggestion that following my daughter’s wedding, family members could travel to Japan courtesy of my children’s father who was an airline employee, and have my son’s wedding there. While this plan excited everyone involved, I knew that if I were to be away from my desk for the required 3 consecutive weeks, that I would not be able to make myself return to face my work backlog.

Driving away from my daughter’s house, I became aware of a vision of a train speeding along beside my car. I sensed that I was being asked if I intended to get on this train. I also sensed that I was being informed that if I did get on, that neither I nor my life would ever be the same. I spent a restless night.  The next morning I remembered that the company I was working for, asked employees to give thirty days notice when they were leaving. I counted the days until my time off for my daughter’s wedding…thirty! Then I almost burst out laughing as I realized that I already had an appointment that day, with the person to whom I would need to give my notice. It seemed preordained.

So I gave notice at my job and prepared for the marriages of each of my children. Ten days after my daughter married in a long white gown wedding in Canada, my son married in a Buddhist Shrine in Japan. Standing in the Reception Line of my son’s wedding, breaking every behavior protocol I had been told about how the Japanese did not like to hug, I thought “Well, then they should not have served champagne, wine and sake before the Receiving Line.” What’s a mother to do when she is facing the sobering experience that the next morning she will be on a plane back to Canada leaving her child to begin a new life thousands of miles away? So I allowed my emotions to bubble to the surface and hugged each person as they came through the Receiving Line. And you know what? As I hugged, the Japanese hugged right back.

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