I was to write a Licensing exam . part 2

What’s up with me and this exam that I’m writing today?

You are releasing a control that says that writing this exam is necessary for you or for anyone. What does the exam prove for either those who choose to continue with this work or for you who are choosing not to continue?

Yet I sense to write the exam, not to just sit home.

Yes because by writing the exam you will learn something – possibly that you can pass the exam without studying, possibly that the material is totally irrelevant, possibly that you can now play with something that others take so seriously.

Following this conversation I called a cab to take me to the building where I was to write the exam, as I didn’t feel sufficiently grounded to deal with looking for parking, etc.

Once in the exam room, I read through the exam and I had the thought that I knew “about 80%” of the material.

So I wrote in my answers, handed in the papers and left the room in a bit of a daze, like I couldn’t believe what I had just done.

A few days later I opened my mailbox to see that the exam results had arrived.

I sat for a bit before opening the envelope asking myself what I wanted the results to say.

When I reached the point where I was OK either way pass or fail, I opened the envelope.

I had passed.

And guess what my score was?

78%.

Now, it’s true that this was not an unknown field for me. I had been working in it for 6 years.

Still, I find it significant that I had known that I knew “about 80%” and I scored 78%.

We really do know a lot.

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I was to write a Licensing exam . part 1

I was to write a Licensing exam, required to allow me to continue with my current career, should I choose.

The “problem” was that I just did not feel like studying.

I wondered if I was maybe removing a safety net – that if I failed the exam, I would not be able to return to my current career.

My heart reminded me that I did not want to continue with that line of work anyway.

My mind said that it would be a good idea to get licensed “just in case”.

The day before the exam, I opened the study text, and it was like my vision went right through the print, the words didn’t even register.

And the feeling of “Not Wanting To” came over me really strongly and it was like I remembered so many times, that I had made myself do something that I didn’t want to do.

And I put the study text away.

After that, I felt calm – like something had been decided and everything would be OK – either I would pass the exam or it wouldn’t matter.

I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to having a few anxious moments before I went to sleep that night.

The idea that I might wake in terror in the wee hours and do some frantic last minute “cramming” felt like a possibility.

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my previous comments had been erased from his Reality

My son emails about his new baby, his first child. He’s so excited, can’t believe he’s actually a dad etc.

At one point, he says he thinks the baby looks like him.

I look at the picture he has emailed of the baby and I think, does she? I totally forget, that I have never been “good” at seeing who babies look like.

So I ask, if his wife agrees.

He answers that everyone agrees.

Do I stop then?

No, I write back, well I can see yes to the forehead and the eyes, don’t know about the lower face.

Later, I’m walking along and I think, what was that about?

What came to me, was that it was about insecurity on my part. Thoughts of what kind of mother can’t tell whether this baby looks like her son did when he was a baby

After receiving the next batch of pictures I sent an email that said, “Have I mentioned that your daughter grows more beautiful in each picture, and since she looks like her dad, she will continue to do so”

And you know what?

The guy stepped right back onto his old Joyful Papa path.

It was like my previous comments had been erased from his Reality.

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Because only part of you is choosing it

I returned to my home province and accepted an offer to stay with a friend in my old neighborhood by the beach.

One day as I was walking out the front door of my friend’s building, the manager was putting up a Vacancy sign for a studio suite.

I decided this would be a perfect temporary solution for me .

Then my old job became available.

While I had resistance to returning to the job, I also had fear about not taking it.

I decided to take the job but it wasn’t long before I was asking why I had chosen to do so.

You have chosen to return to this job because it is the safest place for you to embrace your next stage of growth.

If I’m choosing it then why am I also resisting it?

Because only part of you is choosing it.

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“what I really want” has not been manifesting because …

I had rather forgotten about the whole issue of a possible talk with the VP as my son was visiting and we were doing family stuff.

My son left one morning and that evening I remembered the work thing and I thought, “Hey, I must have escaped that ordeal”.

Not so!

The next morning I got the “I need to see you for a few minutes” email from the VP.

Since the request was by email, I decided to take a smoke break before I responded.

I was amazed at the feelings that came up during this smoke break. I don’t want to do more accounts. Well, maybe I could do this much more. Maybe I could trade one of my smaller accounts for a larger one, etc. etc.

I even saw myself start the tape that said, “don’t you dare change things, I want things to stay just the way they are, until I have manifested what I really want”.

And then I remembered, that I had been seeing my job as temporary and wondering why “what I really want” had not been manifesting.

Aha!

“what I really want” has not been manifesting because I have been holding onto “things staying just the way they are until….”

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give thanks to your human self

just before waking i had connected with a very, very tiny little figure in my belly. i thought / felt it’s a very, very tiny male human.

slowly this tiny figure and i built a relationship. We got to the “i only want to be with my beloved” feeling.

then i had the question of who is it that is feeling this love and remembered a quote of “give thanks to your human self” and i thought well who is it that would give thanks to my human self

at that moment i became very large and for a moment i felt my magnificence

and i am left with this wonderful question of hey wait a minute i’ve been looking at this in reverse. i’ve been looking at it from human eyes, human mind.

but when i get into observer mode then i am in I AM mode. only the I AM could give thanks to my human self or could love my human self.

with my morning ciggie i remembered that during my sleep experience after “i” had made a connection with the tiny male human figure i found in my belly i had the thought / feeling of ok i’ve had that experience almost like i can put a check mark beside that one.

and i realize that i have tended to have a checklist kind of mentality.

like i had this list of things i was to do or experience and almost a bit of let’s get these things done, experienced and get ourselves the hell out of here.

many times when my life started going well from the perspective of human comforts it was almost as though a part of me would say don’t get too comfortable, remember we’re not staying, this isn’t really our home.

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Remembering March 11, 2011

(from my journal notes) ..

I woke early this morning and after some time with myself I decided to listen to Joe Rumbolo on Awakening Zone. Shortly after Joe talked about us living simultaneously in several dimensions, I decided to take a break from the show and check my emails.

Exiting my hotmail account through msn.com News, I see a headline about a big earthquake in Japan. My son has lived in Japan for the past 8 years so I know that earthquakes are somewhat of a common occurrence there but hmmm this one is big, this one is north of Tokyo. Then I see it…. Sendai (where my son and his young family live).

Tsunami waves up to 30 feet. Hmmm, my son said that their new house was up the hillside, I wonder how far up the hillside.

Oh wait the quake / tsunami occurred at 3pm their time. My son and his family would have been at the Day Care Center where they attend / work.

But wait, I’m not feeling the slightest bit of fear. I know that he is OK. I think I’ll have a coffee.

As I listen to the coffee machine gurgle I find myself begin to question, how can you possibly be calm? Do you think you’re just in denial? Is it possible that your son is actually dead? (For some reason I didn’t think hurt, jumped right to dead).

And then my mind went to, well if he is dead what would happen?

I “saw” his dad & I flying to Japan and meeting with the Japanese family that he has married into. Then what ? My son is only 39 years old, we have never talked about what he might like to happen if he died.

I knew that his wife & daughters would be fine surrounded by their family in Japan. What would my son want ? Oh Yes. He would want to be cremated and part of his ashes scattered on a ski mountain in northern Japan and part on a ski mountain in northern Canada. Yes that feels right.

And the next moment I realized that this whole “scene” had been played out somewhere (Thank You Joe Rumbolo for your talk on living simultaneously in several dimensions), and I needed “that scene” to play out before I got on with the next step in this dimension which was emailing my son and asking simply “You guys Ok?”

As I pressed Send, I accepted that it could be some time before I got a response. That’s Ok.

Less than a minute later the response came “We’re OK”

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