money and being in the flow

i was reading an article about how once you begin to shift your mindset your entire experience with money begins to change. You start to feel freer in every way, and as physical and emotional barriers dissolve, suddenly new avenues of income start to appear. this is all just part of the natural process of you reconnecting with the universal state of flow.

My response to this article is that i have had a variety of experiences re money & flow. once even going to the grocery store and thinking omg prices have taken a jump. but when i breathed and continued to shop i found that many of my “stock items” were the usual price and my favorite coffee was actually 1/2 price. that time i bought only a few items and the next time i returned to the store prices seemed to be back to “normal”. as i was typing i wondered about timeline jumping. earlier i had wondered about our trust being tested. Regardless in my experience it hasn’t been a matter of stepping into the flow and being able to stay there. there seems to be a period of wobbling. i am finding it helpful to take limited or only necessary action during the out of flow times and being more adventurous during the times of being in the flow

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underneath the shame

lately i’ve been experiencing memories of past “shameful” behavior on my part. memories that i have previously suppressed and that now are coming into my awareness. it has been quite painful to remember some of the behaviors. but remembering i am. no longer pushing the memory back under the carpet. 

just now while allowing myself to sit with one such memory i was surprised to witness this little tyrant come forth screaming “yeah well he/she deserved to be treated like that. remember what he/she did to us”. omg this little tyrant was FURIOUS. so i see now that it was this hurt little tyrant who caused the “shameful” behavior.

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“is nobody safe”

last night i was thinking how affected i was being by a news story of “Barry and Honey Sherman, one of Canada’s richest couples and outsized philanthropists who were found dead in their Toronto mansion on Friday,” and i was asking myself why i was so affected. b’cos they were my age, in my country. oh forgot to mention they owned a huge company that manufactured generic drugs and supposedly were taking on big pharma. but no other politically motivated deaths have affected me so i kept asking. got to the fact that they had each other, had grown children, family & friends, purpose, wealth. and this morning i got to “is nobody safe”

then i read this “The week that is coming up is an awakening of some of the manipulation and the awakening is in the general population and how people will respond to this will determine where you are heading as a country but also as a planet. It will be good if you feel and know and understand within self where you are going for we are talking about the word enlightenment but if you do not truly understand what it means you will have difficulty.”

The Many

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Those who came to assist humanity

i’ve been thinking of a term used quite frequently in spiritual circles. The term of “those who came to serve humanity” (in its time of enlightenment). And frequently lightworkers take pride in labelling ourselves as one of those who came for this purpose.

And sometimes we acknowledge the benefit we have received from those who have pushed our buttons or behaved in ways that have caused us to look at our own thoughts or behaviours and bring about changes in ourselves. And i’m now thinking those button pushers also played a valuable role.

We are ALL “those who came to assist humanity”.

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inner marriage

falling off to sleep last night i had been thinking of all the situations where women are coming forward and accusing men of inappropriate sexual advances. first i was surprised that it is/was so widespread. then i wondered what’s the solution? put the majority of high achieving men in prison?

i was feeling into the male-female thing when i heard my male/adam energy say “i feel i have lost you for ever” and my female/isis energy say “am i not enough”. Took a minute or 2 of deliberation on both parts before they embraced and merged and i heard “inner marriage”. which felt wonderful and i rode a wave of bliss for a few minutes. even intensified the level of bliss. and yet something was missing. it felt like there was more. extra levels to come. i’m not yet clear on that part but wondered if it’s about being multi-dimensional like if i/we need to achieve “inner marriage” on each of our multi-levels.

one of the first things to appear on my computer screen this morning was an article by judith kusel “MYSTICAL MARRIAGE – THE ULTIMATE UNION” (union between the divine masculine and the divine feminine) which states “The Mystical Marriage then was that which was given to those who were already in higher insight and understanding, that one could only truly experience true love in its ultimate forms, if one was prepared to go through the process of being reborn on multiple levels.”  

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it is our soul that is exhausted

as i was falling off to sleep it occurred to me that it is our soul that is exhausted. after so many lifetimes to get to this point.

and i compared it to times in my life when i have been super busy and only when the super busy time was finished did i allow myself to feel how truly exhausting my schedule had been. while the super busy time was occurring i had no time to feel tired.

so it is with our souls at the moment. the super busy times are over and only now can our soul allow itself to realise how truly busy it has been and how exhausted it truly is. and now it waits for the dust to settle as all of our aspects, past-lives etc relax.

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My Awakening (and my book) Begins

I sat in stunned disbelief. In my entire working life, I had never been fired. Yet here I was, sitting in the administrative office of my newly acquired Group Home job, being informed that my services were no longer required. Even though the administration used politically correct phrases to assure me that I was not being “fired”, to me, being told that my services were no longer required equated to being fired.

As I was adjusting to this bit of news, I was hit by another realization. The lease on my car was expiring the next month. It had been my intention to purchase the car for the Buyout amount of $4000. I had been debating whether to pay all $4000 in cash, to finance all of it, or to finance part of it. Suddenly I thought, “Oh my God, with no job, I may not be able to finance any of it”. Paying all cash would leave me with $4000 less in my bank account at a time when I would have no source of income.

I made my way home where I sat thinking: I can’t believe that I am sitting here, a few months short of my 50th birthday, with no job and facing the possibility of having no car.

As I sat contemplating the loss of my job and the possible loss of my car, I had a phone call from a friend, who was deeply into what my other friends and I called “mystical / spiritual / new age stuff.” When I told this friend that I didn’t know what I was going to do, now that my services were no longer required at the Group Home job, my friend asked what I would like to do. I heard myself saying that what I would really like to do is to sit by the ocean and listen to the waves and the seagulls. Rather than saying “get real” or “what are you really going to do”, this friend asked how I was going to make that happen. I laughed and said “Yea, like in this lifetime I’m meant to live on the ocean!”

It seemed that I had just hung up from this call when another friend phoned. This friend had recently moved to a house on the beach on a nearby Island. As I was telling her about my previous phone call, my friend said that the cabin down the beach from her house was for rent.

What was going on here? In the span of a few hours, I had lost my job, tapped into a desire to spend time with the waves and the seagulls and now I was being told of a cabin on the beach for rent.

I decided to check out the cabin. It was perfect. Yes it was rustic, the windows were single glaze and the refrigerator was of rounded corners vintage. But it was fronted by 20 feet of floor to ceiling windows and the deck was so close to the water that the waves lapped right up to the deck’s edge, even under it during storms.

As I stood on that deck, breathed in the salt air and listened to the waves and the seagulls, I knew that I needed to spend time at that cabin. But what a life-changing decision that would be! In order to commit to this rental, I would need to sell my home. This idea frightened me. For years owning my own home had provided the bulk of my security. Could I give up that security and return to renting?

There was also the issue of whether I should trust this synchronicity of events. After my second marriage dissolved, I had spent time living somewhat precariously both financially and emotionally all the while believing that when I needed a conventional job, a certain friend would be instrumental in helping me.

When the day came that I needed that job, my friend advised that he knew of an agency that was looking for childcare workers. I applied and was offered a job. When I later learned that I had been offered the job after someone else had declined, I took that as a sign that I was where I was supposed to be.

Yet a few months later, I was sitting in the administrative office being told that my services were no longer required. I had trusted that that job was where I was supposed to be. And I had been proven wrong.

But back came the memory of standing on that deck and the knowing that I needed to be there. Also came thoughts of how I had tried to do things in ways that seemed to work for other people. I had gone to school, gone to work, paid my bills, raised my children, yet here I sat with no job, no relationship, not much savings in the bank. Maybe there was something I was missing or that I didn’t understand. I found myself writing a poem:


I’ve tried to do what I’ve been told I should

Tried to be diligent, responsible and good.

I’ve raised my children and paid my bills,

Now I’m wondering about life’s other thrills.

I know that I can do the old way no more

My children are grown, seems that is a door

To freedom and fear mixed in equal amounts

A time to focus on other accounts.

On account of I’m confused, don’t know who I am

Don’t know what I want or how to be all that I can.

On account of I know I can’t find out the old way.

So I’m off to find me is all I can say. 

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