oh-we-should-have-told-you

A friend of mine was surprised to find her people-pleasing “part” was draining her and did not have her best interests in mind, was in fact sacrificing her. this revelation led me to think about a “part” of mine which is/was not so much into people-pleasing but is/was into placing the well-being of others before the well-being of myself. this part felt i could not be happy or successful until others were happy & successful. i needed to help others become happy & successful before i could turn my energy & resources towards my own happiness & success. further exploration revealed i did this not only out of guilt and as a distraction from facing my own wants & needs but also because it served as a kind of false superiority allowing me to believe that i had something that others didn’t and that others needed. oh how arrogant. i was using “putting others first” as a way to feed my own ego. caring for others first allowed me to feel both responsible and resentful. feeling responsible led to me feeling capable which led to the arrogance. and so much effort required led to me feeling resentful because others were not progressing in the manner or at the speed that i wanted. so i blamed them for not having time or energy to meet my own wants & needs. hell after some time i forgot what my wants WERE. so many themes & emotions tied up in just one behavior /characteristic. wow.

My changed financial situation meant that it was time to say

Goodbye to the Cabin which led to the following poem:

Cabin you’ve been good for me

You’ve helped me listen, you’ve helped me see

Things out there beyond the walls

Walls of yours and walls of mine

Walls that frame us in space and time

You were old and I was new

Together we saw each other through

Sunny days and long cold nights

Star filled skies and Northern Lights

The rainbows came and then the swan

Frequently I was awake at dawn

Eager to see what each day would bring

Thrilled to hear the little birds sing

I’ve really enjoyed my time with you

I laughed, I cried, I danced, I grew

I’ll always remember your loving embrace

Though another home may take your place

We’ll each go on to other people and things

Remembering each other whatever life brings.

I learned that the investment in which I had placed the proceeds from the sale of my home had failed and that I therefore, basically had no money.

What am I to do about supporting myself financially?

Focus on remembering your dreams, while also taking action steps.

Do something if you are seriously playing this game.

This Game?

This Game of Life.

I have been reading about Putting out Intentions. Should I be doing this?

If you choose.

OK I will put out an Intention that I will receive some cash.

You can put out that Intention, but do you believe it?

I believe, that since I lost some money in a bad investment, that there’s some of “my cash” out there, so it would be Ok for me to ask for it back.

What if there was not any of “your cash” out there, would it still be OK to ask for some?

You find that question more difficult do you not? 

Overcoming a sense of not deserving is really hard.

There is enough for everyone, so you can receive everything you want.

There are resources out there that you are not even aware of, so maintain faith.

Set your Intention on creating a life that incorporates all of the things that are important to you.

At the same time, intend that you will allow as much of your old stuff as possible to clear.

This is how you create a balanced life.

Why do I have so much trouble coming up with the answers as to what I want?

Time and money.

You tell yourself that you do not have enough of either and so you hold yourself back from even thinking about doing things or of having things.

You have blocked yourself from admitting what you want.

You have held yourself back from enjoying life.

How do I change this?

You start believing that you deserve to have good things happen in your life.

Ask us for help. We can only help you when you ask.

Thank You that many of the things that I ask for have been working out.

But you ask for so little. We can help you even more if you ask.

Many of the previous things that you have asked for and received could be considered small things by some people’s standards. Yet they are miracles.

And miracles are miracles. Once you begin shopping in the Store of Miracles, you are at least in the right store.

Also remain aware of situations. Attracting situations is a part of manifesting, so you do not always need to be directing the movie, especially in the early stages when you are still learning. It is true that the clearer you are, the clearer will be the situations that you attract.

What part am I to play in all of this?

You need only to get clear about what it is that you want and very clear that you deserve it.

Trust that you will be provided for, not necessarily taken care of, but provided for.

If you desire a job, one will be provided for you.

Would a job interfere with my time with you guys?

Only if you allow it. If you set this time with us as a priority, it will be provided.

Your Belief Systems are like computers. They rely on what you feed into them.

I had now spent enough time by myself, to have allowed my mental dialogue to quiet to the point where I could actually hear both sides of this dialogue. It was like one part of my mind was talking to another part of my mind.

Slowly, this listening to both sides of my mental dialogue and my Journal writing started to blend. I would write a question, like “What am I to do next?” and then write the response that came to me. Many of these responses surprised me.

Some people might question where these responses were coming from. I chose not to question, just to listen and to write. Some of these “conversations” went like this:

I feel like I’m reaching deep inside of myself for something.

You are reaching inside of yourself for Clarity.

Clarity about what?

About yourself.

What about myself?

That you have forgotten how to be happy and joyful and trusting.

How do I get that back?

By remembering to laugh and to play. And to clean up your life.

What does that mean to clean up my life?

It means that you are carrying pain and anger in your body. That needs to be released.

How do I do that?

You know how to do that. Move around, cry, shout, laugh.

What is the significance of the double numbers (11:11 and 12:12) that I seem to see frequently on the clock and that I feel I respond to?

They are reminders for you

Reminders of what?

Reminders that you are connected to us. That we are here for you. That we have messages for you.

Can you tell me what the messages are?

That we love you. That we want what is best for you. That we are offering you encouragement.

Also to remind you to listen for the Messages. And to ask for the messages.

I am finding this whole process rather confusing.

We are pleased that you are beginning to learn to sit through your confusion, without rushing off to look for answers from others. Yes, you are still searching for answers in books, but in books we can guide you to certain ideas. With other people, their script may interfere with yours and you may not be able to discern that in a way that is healthy.

Why am I thinking of releasing the computer that my friend gave me, when I have never even hooked it up?

Because it is electronic.

So ?

It is important at the moment, for you to have direct hands on experience, like writing with a pen as it is in the physical writing that we are best able to communicate with you.

Am I making progress here?

Yes, you are making progress. We know that you are reviewing past mistakes, but those were lessons. They were painful in many ways, but they were lessons that you chose, or that you needed. It is true that you have tended to create some

precarious situations both financially and emotionally. It is also true that these experiences are leading you deeper into yourself. You are letting go of Self Pity. You are learning to release mental anguish and pretense. You are learning to release judgment or at least to be conscious of it when you have it. These are major steps.

These major steps resulted in me beginning to feel uncomfortable in social situations. Shortly after arriving at some gathering, I would feel like going home. As it was winter time I told myself that if I left the cabin fire unattended for too long a period of time that the cabin temperature would be unbearable upon my return. But I knew that it was more than that. I had dropped many of my defenses and my pretenses and I had not yet put anything in their place. I felt like a crustacean that had shed its shell.

My reading of Self Help and Personal Growth books evolved into me reading books about Spirituality. This led me to deeper thinking and also to some confusion about what appeared to be discrepancies.

On the one hand during my Practicum for the Group Home job, I had spent time at each of the three houses that the Agency operated. I had then “decided on” the house I wanted and I had gotten a position at that house. So weren’t these Spiritual books saying that that meant I had been putting out my Intention and seeing it manifest? So how come I wasn’t still at that job?

On the other hand, I remembered the time that I had looked at the yellow and green tile counter top in my kitchen and knew that it had to go. Having neither a plan nor a budget, I just started the dismantling. Then one of my Real Estate clients was moving from a house that had been bought by a developer and the client’s house was to be destroyed. The updated kitchen cabinets from the client’s house had fitted into my kitchen like they had been custom made. 

When I read about Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) I thought about the first time that I had flown into Mexico. As the plane was descending, I had suddenly had a horrendous headache, which was surprising as I am not generally prone to headaches. But across my brow there was a line like a headband of points that felt like they might burst. The pressure/pain was one of the most intense I have ever felt. I remembered how I had leaned forward and instinctively tapped along my brow. At the time I had no idea why that suggestion came to me. Now I’m wondering if my body had some memory that prompted me to tap along my brow.

As I was reading about Creative Visualization, I gasped as I remembered the day that I had decided to teach myself to ride a bicycle. A friend of my brother’s had left his bike leaning against our barn. A perfect opportunity.

I had known that in order to gain my balance, it would be necessary to attain a certain amount of speed. The road in front of my parents’ farm was paved, and went gently downhill from our driveway. I figured that should take care of gaining the speed, but what to do about the fact that I didn’t know how to make the bike stop? I had decided that I would pull into the driveway of a neighboring farm just before the road went into a steep turn. I figured that when I stopped pedaling, the bike would coast to a standstill.

I got up on the bike and pushed off. After a couple of wiggles, the bike and I were upright. Soon however, I realized, that the bike was picking up speed much faster than I had anticipated. I had a fleeting moment of panic and then somehow I knew to keep picturing the bike and myself safely pulling into that driveway and coasting to a stop just as I had envisioned. So had I actually “known” about Creative Visualization as a kid?

I had never been much of a television watcher and now between sky gazing, watching the wildlife, chopping firewood and driving to a nearby marina for laundry and groceries, I seldom even followed the news. Friends chastised me saying that it was important that we all know what is going in the world. 

When I told them that I sometimes watched Royal Canadian Air Farce or This Hour has 22 Minutes, they expressed concern that I wasn’t getting the facts. I countered that maybe I was.

As the cabin was not really winterized I would need a lot of firewood for the stove that provided the main source of heating. So I ordered the firewood and headed out to the hardware store to buy myself an axe.

Upon finding the axe aisle my eyes were immediately drawn to a pretty axe with a red head and a yellow handle. But noticing that there seemed to be a surprisingly large selection of axes I spent some time trying to figure out why there were so many.

Deciding that the axes came in different handle lengths and various axe head weights I tried several until I felt I knew which handle length and head weight was right for me. Then I went back to the pretty one that had first caught my eye. Yup perfect handle length and head weight for me.

I had developed bursitis in my right shoulder and could barely move my arm away from my body. Though the pain was bearable, the inconvenience was enormous. Heating the cabin required two or three large armloads of firewood each day.

Having only one functioning arm meant carrying in the firewood one piece at a time which stretched a 5 minute job into almost an hour as part of the process was putting down the one piece of firewood, to open the heavy sliding glass door, which had to be closed between each trip in order to prevent having rodents as roommates.

A woman I had recently met had come by for a visit. As she was preparing to leave, I was thinking that the logical thing to do was to ask her to carry in an armload of firewood for me. My conditioning said, “But you have just met her, but she may not want to carry in firewood, but she’s not really dressed for the job, etc. “

When I finally asked her if she would carry in the firewood, she said of course. Later I thought, no wonder my life has tended to be difficult at times. I have been operating under the illusion that I have to do everything for myself.

I decided to rent the cabin.

Once there, my newfound freedom from my previous responsibilities felt strange and somewhat confusing. No more alarm clock, no more job to show up to, very little housework just one linoleum floor that needed occasional sweeping.

Yes there were challenges, like the time I waited three days for the sun to thaw the hose that connected the cabin taps to the water main on the road.

But each morning as I rounded the corner from the bedroom to the living room, the view from the floor to ceiling windows took my breath away.

And there was lots of animal life. Seagulls and crows visited on the deck, sea otter and seals swam in the bay, deer wandered down to drink at the nearby stream. I felt like a kid in a playhouse.

There was time for romance, the demise of one of which was to have a dramatic effect on my life.

A friend and I were discussing what we considered to be appropriate behavior. I was defending my right to excuse myself from dinners being attended by people whose conversations I did not enjoy.

My friend asked if I thought that it was OK for people to choose not to listen to each other talk about certain issues.

I said “Yes I do. I think that we each have a responsibility to take care of ourselves. And that one of the ways we do this is by choosing what we allow ourselves to be exposed to.”

My friend then said “OK, I don’t want to listen to you talk about that man you used to be involved with.”

That conversation changed my life.

The friend who made this announcement was the person with whom I spoke the most frequently at that time. And now she was refusing to listen to me talk about the breakup of my romantic relationship.

When I no longer had the luxury of relating my tale of woe about what this man had done or not done, I was forced to find other things to talk about which meant other things to think about.

I began thinking of things that I had been too busy and perhaps too fearful to think about before.

I thought about how I, and others, had always considered me to be optimistic, yet now that I was becoming more conscious of my thoughts, I saw how my mind frequently went first to the possibility of the “worst case scenario”.

I think that previously I had appeared optimistic to myself and to others, because I had just skipped over these worse case scenario thoughts, ignoring that I was even having them.

During my newfound “thinking time” my daughter graduated from university and I thought of the parents of a friend of my daughter, who many times during my years as a single parent, had taken my daughter to their summer place for much of her school summer holidays. Only now was I realizing what a major factor that had been in both my life and my daughter’s life. I sat down and wrote a Thank You letter to these friends.

That one Thank You letter led me to remember many other people who had gone out of their way to help my children and I. It also led me to the realization that for many years I had been so focused on the people who had not helped me, that I had not fully appreciated the many people who had helped me.

Then the questions started.

Had my life in fact been rather easy and I had been an ungrateful complainer? Would I come to realize that I had been responsible for missing joy and happiness that I could have had?

In an attempt to answer these questions, I read possibly every Self Help and Personal Growth book that had ever been written.

for the past couple of years i have been fortifying my “feeling abundant” by no longer watching/checking as my groceries are being rung up.

i do whatever i feel like doing during that time and when the cashier announces the total i happily pay that amount.

earlier this week i stopped for a couple of packs of cigarettes and when the cashier announced the total my mind jumped in and said whaaaat that much for 2 packs of cigarettes.

so i double checked with the cashier who said oh i’m sorry i charged you for 3 packs.

then today i had a mirror image of that experience when i picked up a couple of small items at the hardware store.

when the cashier announced the total my mind jumped in and said whaaaat so little for those 2 items.

so i double checked with the cashier who said oh i’m sorry one item didn’t register.

and the really funny/weird thing is that my “overcharge” earlier in the week was almost to the penny the amount of my “undercharge” today.

there’s a cosmic wink in there somewhere

recently i’ve been engaged in several conversations about the idea of “speaking strongly on social media”

and my today’s thinking is

that it may serve for each of us to write without censoring ourselves.

gawd knows we have been censored enuf. even by ourselves. 

we need to say it like it is in our minds/hearts

realising we may change our mind/heard in the next second.

i seem to process things better if i write them out

and since i’m taking the time to write them out

why not do so publicly in case it helps someone else

inspires or triggers them in some way.

also a good exercise in us not taking things personally when we read what others have written.

as a society we have been both politically correct and easily offended to the point where nothing much gets resolved.

perhaps a bit more candor would help