and i finally surrendered

there is no bank on the small island where i have been living

so having encountered a banking issue that i needed to attend to in person

i researched the ferry schedule, banking hours etc

and decided the saturday noon ferry was the one to take.

well sat morning started out overcast.

2x during the morning my intuition said this is not the weather to take a ferry ride

and 2x my ego mind said but the research says it is.

by the time to leave for the ferry it was pissing down rain

and i finally surrendered

thinking even if i have to drive to the ferry 2/3 times next week before i get on

it’s better to enjoy the scenery and not get soaked walking to the bank.

sure enuf monday morning was brilliant sunshine.

i got on the ferry, seemed to have the highway to myself

got the last parking spot in the small parking lot

walked into the bank, only 1 customer

so i was in and out in 5 minutes.

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one rogue petunia ready to blossom

today sept 7 i add an update …..
she bloomed a beautiful medium pink color
and went on to become a complete plant
yesterday boasting 7/8 fully opened blooms
and several more blooms waiting in the wings
i’m sorry to report that overnight she disappeared
guess the deer felt she was ready to eat
r.i.p dear rogue petunia
thank you for coming into my life when you did


i live on an island

where the main challenge to having a flower garden

is negotiating with the deer

who seem to think flowers are planted to supplement their diet.

A couple of years ago

after 3 years of participating in the deer-challenge

i decided to concede

and turn to other pursuits.

imagine my surprise yesterday

when i walked by an abandoned planter

and saw one rogue petunia ready to blossom

rebirth !!!!

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if I had stated my Real Truth

I’m remembering a time when I had found myself in a position

where I needed immediately to find both a place to live

and a way to pay for it .

Within a week I found myself in a house-sitting situation

and with a well paying job for which I was marginally qualified.

At the time I was amazed and grateful for what seemed to be miracles.

But I have sometimes looked back and wondered what may have happened

had I not been so locked into the Belief that having a job

was the only way that my needs could be met.

I did get what I asked for

 a place to live and a way to pay for it.

But now I wonder what might have happened

if I had stated my Real Truth

which was that I wanted to continue my unstructured life

and to have my bills taken care of

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“Don’t fut on yourself”

Glancing out the window of my apartment

I saw that some neighbors were setting up for a lawn sale.

My eyes went to a piece of furniture.

Oh I love the golden colored wood frame and the muslin cloth cushions.

But what is it exactly?

To satisfy my curiosity, I walked outside for a closer look.

It was a Futon sofa in two sections

that could be used as either a loveseat & ottoman combination

or as a bed.

I loved it and it would be perfect in my little apartment.

Then the “buts” set in:

But I don’t have room unless I get rid of my current sofa.

But I would need help moving the sofa out and the futon in.

But my apartment isn’t clean enough to have people in to help me.

And by the time I had put my buts to rest the futon was gone.

However all was not lost

as it did give my friends an opportunity to coin the phrase

“Don’t fut on yourself”

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Maybe, it’s like the song “I’m Already Gone.”

In a dream I got up from the desk in my office and went into the hallway.

The hallway had changed

and now had a door between my office and the neighboring office

and my office was now part of offices belonging to a different company.

I felt in No Man’s Land between my old company and this new company.

Following this dream I began noticing a new reaction on my part

to phone calls from clients.

The reaction was that many times I didn’t seem to respond

to the point where the client must have wondered if I was actually still present.

It didn’t necessarily feel like withdrawal or avoidance in the old sense

just a blankness.

Like one client did the intimidating thing – no response from me just a blank.

Another client did the poor me why is no-one helping me thing – no response from me just a blank.

It’s not that I felt anger or fear in response to the intimidating client

or Oh Please in response to the poor me client

it’s like part of my mind was saying this has nothing to do with me.

Maybe, it’s like the song “I’m Already Gone.”

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My part that has feared being homeless.

Over the course of the past few years

i have become aware that i have a part

that has feared being homeless.

today i saw that that fear of being homeless

is really a fear of not being “welcomed home” by myself ! 

I’m still collecting the breadcrumbs

to make a story that i can integrate

but i sense a connection to

waking from a nap and feeling an energy of regret

and then feeling into a body pain

above my right pelvic bone

which said “i have sinned”.


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my 2019 lions gate experience

i participated in a lions gate webinar meditation so i was wide open energetically when a neighbor mom + toddler knocked on my door. they tend to visit when mom doesn’t work. kid plays with rocks & sticks while mom & i smoke & chat.

today 1/2 hr after webinar meditation i had just cooked my lunch when i heard their knock. i thought ok i’ll take my lunch outside and eat.

opened the door and toddler had brought toys and the 2 of them were happily ensconced on my patio.

part of me went beserk (fortunately silently beserk).

so i had lunch then said well i’m going inside and they gathered up their belonging and left.

but my beserk aspect that got activated took a few hours to integrate.

started with being taken advantage of, disrespected. so asked myself where i don’t value/respect myself.

then moved on to feeling my space had been invaded (dna carry over from my mother’s lineage indigenous roots).

then resolution by realising feeling invaded energetically by my mother as an infant. and i had pushed her away and closed myself down.

so i thought i have that pattern. when i let people in energetically i also tend to push them away and shut down. even with love.

huge aha.

between my beserk aspect and going to bed i spent a lot of time sitting outside and i could feel the trees drawing energy out of my system. energy that i am choosing to release.

Then i had an interesting night.

my consciousness went to a spot in my body that i have referred to as my wound. i was told that it was a portal and did i want to close it.

i thought well that would be a new experience so i agreed.

as the energy started to close the portal i had the fear thought of leaving something familiar and what would we do without it etc. hesitated for a split second then proceeded. and it closed.

once closed i had the thought now i can do magic. what magic would i like to do/create. practical things like new clothes, new home came to mind. but no answer to what activities or passions.

and i realised because i had let my mother invade my energy boundaries at such a young age and then had shut down that i no longer knew what i truly wanted to do. what excites me or makes me happy.

the wound area reminds me of a visit from st germain in 2007/08. he asked me if i wanted to receive my abundance. i said hell yes.

and i felt that abundance enter the front of my body in the area that i later came to call my wound. the abundance entered my body and passed right on thru and exited the back of my body and i had a vision of a burlap sack with $ sign attached to the exit point. burlap sack with $ sign like bank robbers in cartoons.

couple of years later i brought home my bank robber aspect and my body was flooded with shame.

i’m sensing i was carrying karma that didn’t allow me to have abundance cos of past shame about being a bank robber.

akashic reading said my lineage had been involved in shady dealings re land.

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