My Awakening (and my book) Continues #19

I was to write a Licensing exam, required to allow me to continue with my current career, should I choose. The “problem” was that I just did not feel like studying. I wondered if I was maybe removing a safety net – that if I failed the exam, I would not be able to return to my current career. My heart reminded me that I did not want to continue with that line of work anyway. My mind said that it would be a good idea to get licensed “just in case”.

The day before the exam, I opened the study text, and it was like my vision went right through the print, the words didn’t even register. And the feeling of “Not Wanting To” came over me really strongly and it was like I remembered so many times, that I had made myself do something that I didn’t want to do. And I put the study text away. After that, I felt calm – like something had been decided and everything would be OK – either I would pass the exam or it wouldn’t matter. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to having a few anxious moments before I went to sleep that night. The idea that I might wake in terror in the wee hours and do some frantic last minute “cramming” felt like a possibility. 

What’s up with me and this exam that I’m writing today?  You are releasing a control that says that writing this exam is necessary for you or for anyone. What does the exam prove for either those who choose to continue with this work or for you who are choosing not to continue?

Yet I sense to write the exam, not to just sit home.  Yes because by writing the exam you will learn something – possibly that you can pass the exam without studying, possibly that the material is totally irrelevant, possibly that you can now play with something that others take so seriously. 

Following this conversation I called a cab to take me to the building where I was to write the exam, as I didn’t feel sufficiently grounded to deal with looking for parking, etc. Once in the exam room, I read through the exam and I had the thought that I knew “about 80%” of the material. So I wrote in my answers, handed in the papers and left the room in a bit of a daze, like I couldn’t believe what I had just done.

A few days later I opened my mailbox to see that the exam results had arrived. I sat for a bit before opening the envelope asking myself what I wanted the results to say. When I reached the point where I was OK either way pass or fail, I opened the envelope. I had passed. And guess what my score was? 78%. Now, it’s true that this was not an unknown field for me. I had been working in it for 6 years. Still, I find it significant that I had known that I knew “about 80%” and I scored 78%. We really do know a lot.

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My Awakening (and my book) Continues #18

I learned that two of my colleagues had given Notice to leave the job. I anticipated a “we’d like you to take on more accounts” talk with the VP in the next few days. I did not want to take on more accounts but I wondered why I was dreading the discussion that I sensed would be necessary for me to achieve this.

Up came the memory of a Journey from my Native American Teachings classes: I heard “there’s more that you’re not telling”. I felt that there was something that I was refusing to admit that I knew, maybe even something that I wasn’t supposed to know and that some authority figure wanted me to tell or to admit. I was afraid that I might divulge this information.

As I asked myself what I thought this could be about, I felt pressure in my throat, which tightened until I felt like I was being “choked”. Asking myself who would be choking me, I had a vision of a “hanging knot” around my throat. There was a 6-8 inch extension of rope beyond the knot though I didn’t have a sense that the knot was attached to anything.

Then I had a sense of asking myself do you think you’ve been hanged? I answered that yes, I think so. At this point my neck got really tight. I sensed both because the rope got tighter and because I got very afraid. I asked myself if I could release my fear of death. I was able to answer yes and the pressure on my neck decreased.

Next I sensed sadness, thinking of loved ones who would be grieving my death. I asked, can I release this sadness? After a brief time, I was able to answer yes. Then I asked about the people who were instrumental in me being hanged – could I forgive them? I answered yes. All of these answers came quite quickly.

Suddenly there came a quite loud question of “why are you being hanged”? I didn’t come up with a definite answer. I heard “did you do something to bring this upon yourself”? Still no answer, but I think a growing sense that I wasn’t totally innocent. Then I heard “do you feel guilty, are you sorry for what you have done”? The guilt was heavy, thick and cold and didn’t release. So maybe my dread of the anticipated talk with the VP has to do with a memory of having to speak to an authority figure.

*

I had rather forgotten about the whole issue of a possible talk with the VP as my son was visiting and we were doing family stuff. My son left one morning and that evening I remembered the work thing and I thought, “Hey, I must have escaped that ordeal”. Not so! The next morning I got the “I need to see you for a few minutes” email from the VP.

Since the request was by email, I decided to take a smoke break before I responded. I was amazed at the feelings that came up during this smoke break. I don’t want to do more accounts. Well, maybe I could do this much more. Maybe I could trade one of my smaller accounts for a larger one, etc. Etc. I even saw myself start the tape that said, “don’t you dare change things, I want things to stay just the way they are, until I have manifested what I really want”. And then I remembered, that I had been seeing my job as temporary and wondering why “what I really want” had not been manifesting. Aha! – “what I really want” has not been manifesting because I have been holding onto “things staying just the way they are until….”

This Aha threw me into total confusion. I can’t remember the last time I was so unbalanced. But Someone accompanied me to that talk because I ended up with things staying the same. And not by my own doing. I wasn’t capable of negotiating. At one point I even said to the VP, “I don’t even know what I want”. So, maybe the “good news” from this is that we are somehow “protected” and almost can’t screw up.

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My Awakening (and my book) Continues #17

A couple of weeks after my daughter’s graduation, her dad, who lives in another province, forwarded some pictures by computer adding that if I wanted more pictures to let him know. I answered jokingly that I would like a picture of me thinner and with longer hair.  A few days later in the mail I received copies of the computer pictures. Along with the pictures there was a newspaper clipping of a woman, slimmer than me and with hair longer than mine – and who had my name.

Now I’m thinking, why didn’t I add more items to my request list?  Also because my request manifested I’ve been sitting with “the process” – trying to remember the feeling state I was in, when I made my request. I had looked at the pictures on the computer and had thoughts of me being larger and with shorter hair than I like.  And then I had let those thoughts go, I guess deciding that things were as they were, there was nothing I could do about it now, and maybe that it really wasn’t that important to me, especially in light of all the other wonderful things that surrounded the graduation event.  So when the suggestion of other pictures came up, the words came out of my mouth without emotion attached – yet they also contained my Truth – I would have liked to be thinner with longer hair, but was not going to beat myself up, or feel that I needed to do anything about it. And of course, because it was just a joke, I never thought of it again. And then it happened. Or maybe and so it happened. 

I’m also remembering a time when I had found myself in a position where I needed to find both a place to live and a way to pay for it immediately. Within a week I found myself in a house-sitting situation and with a well paying job for which I was marginally qualified.  At the time I was amazed and grateful for what seemed to be miracles. But I have sometimes looked back and wondered what may have happened, had I not been so locked into the Belief that having a job was the only way that my needs could be met. I did get what I asked for – a place to live and a way to pay for it.  But now I wonder what might have happened, if I had stated my Real Truth, which was that I wanted to continue my unstructured life and to have my bills taken care of.

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My Awakening (and my book) Continues #16

The government had decided that it was necessary to License we Property Agents. My colleagues and I were informed that our company had registered us for a study seminar that was scheduled for a Saturday, a treasured day to myself for me. I felt strongly, that I did not want to attend.

Oh what turmoil I allowed myself to experience. And what fears – all the way to “Was I prepared to jeopardize my job?” My cells screamed “No, we won’t go”. My rational mind said, “It’s only one day, it’s a requirement of licensing for your job, you will have to do it sooner or later”. But, “NO, we won’t go!” Then I “accidentally” discovered that the seminar would also be offered on the following Tuesday. I decided that I would attend then.

On the Monday following the Saturday seminar, I arrived at my office to learn that when my colleagues arrived at the seminar, they had learned that attending the seminar was not in fact a requirement of our licensing. I felt so happy and so grateful that I had listened to my screaming cells and stayed home.

Regarding my increased body size, I hear words like self-important, puffing oneself up, being seen.  What are these phrases about?  They are about how you see yourself. Part of you senses that you are becoming big and powerful. You have spent many Lifetimes as a Warrior when size and strength were important. You have memories of a need to protect yourself knowing that you may face danger. You can now release those memories. Let them go, knowing that you no longer require bulk and strength. You now require heart strength and courage.

I had a vision of strings going out from the top of my heart. Are those strings attached to something?  Yes. They are attached to others and to expectations.  So, do I now detach those strings?  Yes. Yes. Yes.

I feel loss and then strength rushing in at the same time.  Yes because now you are containing the energy that is being sent to you. You are temporarily holding enough energy to seal the openings to those old strings that were attached to your heart.

My body is carrying a large amount of flesh on my mid torso. Do I need to be concerned about that?  Ask your Body.  Body, do I need to be concerned?  Well, you could feed me a little less – as long as I still know that you love me.  And how could I let you know that?  Well, you could talk to me and touch me – the same way that you show others that you love them.  OK. What would you like to talk about?  I would like you to thank me for all that I have done for you. I am the one that helped you win glory as an athlete, the one who bore your children, the one who has given you hours of delight in the bedroom and on the dance floor.  Yes, you are. Thank You.  And I have seldom been ill except for that Breathing issue, which was a reflection of Emotional Clearing and nothing to do with me except that I was working with you to facilitate that clearing.

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My Awakening (and my book) Continues #15

The manager of the apartment building where I live was teasing me, because I usually seem to vacuum at the same time as she is vacuuming in the hall outside my door. She said to me “You’re not vacuuming?” I looked around and said “No my place is clean.”

Then in my sleep I dreamed that I was in an apartment where there were Dust Bunnies all over the place – I mean there were Dust Bunnies on the walls!

And when I woke this morning there were so many Dust Bunnies in my apt. I couldn’t believe it. None on the walls granted but in several places on the floor. And less than 24 hours after it had been Clean! I guess I’m wondering if the Dust Bunnies followed me home.

*

My son emails about his new baby, his first child. He’s so excited, can’t believe he’s actually a dad etc.  At one point, he says he thinks the baby looks like him. I look at the picture he has emailed of the baby and I think, does she? I totally forget, that I have never been “good” at seeing who babies look like. So I ask, if his wife agrees. He answers that everyone agrees. Do I stop then? No, I write back, well I can see yes to the forehead and the eyes, don’t know about the lower face.

Later, I’m walking along and I think, what was that about? What came to me, was that it was about insecurity on my part. Thoughts of what kind of mother can’t tell whether this baby looks like her son did when he was a baby

After receiving the next batch of pictures I sent an email that said, “Have I mentioned that your daughter grows more beautiful in each picture, and since she looks like her dad, she will continue to do so?”   And you know what? The guy stepped right back onto his old Joyful Papa path. It was like my previous comments had been erased from his Reality.

*

I decided to walk to the neighborhood London Drugs for some items. As I was preparing to leave my apt, I saw some “2 for 1” coupons from McDonalds which is next door to London Drugs. I don’t think I can remember the last time I was in a McDonald’s, yet I felt nudged to slip these coupons into my pocket. I then found myself walking directly to McDonalds and ordering 2 Big Mac dinners to go.

I was waiting for the dinners to be delivered to me, and asking myself, what was I going to do with 2 McDonald dinners, when my bag of food arrived. As I turned around with the bag of food in my hand, one of the small tables emptied, so I went and sat down and began opening the bag of food. As I did so, I became aware of a man with the appearance of a homeless or street person sitting beside me, nursing a coffee.

I heard myself asking him if he had had his dinner. He said no, he hadn’t. So I said, well now I know why I ordered 2 dinners, and I set out a dinner for each of us. Once our dinners were set out, we each read our paper and ate our dinner with no more interaction with each other.

As I was leaving, the man said Thank You and gave me the most grateful smile. I walked away thinking of the perfection, that he was there at that time, that I ordered 2 dinners, that the table beside him was the one that became available etc.

I also thought of the flip side, of him sitting there hungry, smelling the food, and then being presented with a dinner. And I thought of how I want to remember this, at times when I’m sitting somewhere, wondering how I am going to receive something that I would like to have. That maybe at that very moment, there is someone walking towards me with the very piece that I am missing.

*

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My Awakening (and my book) Continues #14

A new member joined a Discussion Group that I attend. As this new member shared some of her life experiences to date, I was thinking how she seemed intelligent, optimistic, had led a most interesting life, and had had some amazing insights. As I was walking home, I asked why my mind was “abuzz”. The answer I got was “from listening to all of that woman’s ‘facts’.” Hmmm. I noticed that my chest was tight, which for me, usually indicates the presence of “anger energy”. So, I walked and I Breathed, and yet I couldn’t connect with anything that I was angry about.  Then one comment of the woman’s “sharing” came to my mind, and I thought, she’s the one who is angry, and I have picked up this “angry energy” from her.  

I walked down to the beach for the Fireworks, found a tree facing the barge, and sat down to enjoy my hotdog. I finished the hotdog just as the fireworks began, so I stood up to lean my back against the tree.  As I was tossing my napkin into the garbage bin, I noticed a man leaning against the side of “my” tree. Thinking that I recognized him, I turned in the twilight for a closer look. Nope, not the guy I thought. But my mind registered that he was a handsome hunk of a male.  As the fireworks progressed, I became very aware of the energy of this hunk beside me (well on the side of my tree). As I continued to watch the fireworks, I could feel the hunk’s energy and mine meet and blend in a very balancing way. At one point, it felt like the most natural thing to do, would be to reach out for his hand. Amazing! I considered that when the fireworks were over, I might tell him how much I had enjoyed his energy, that he had lovely energy – whatever. Then I decided, No, if I freak him out, I will spoil this wonderful sensation that I am having and which I am going to take home with me. So that’s what I did. 

Another warm summer day I wandered out, picked up a falafel wrap and headed to the beach where I sat on a bench. As I began opening my falafel, I noticed that a man seated nearby had turned to stare at me. I could “feel” that he wanted my food. I found myself resenting that he was interfering with my enjoyment.  Then my old tapes started playing: “maybe I’ll eat half and then give him the rest, maybe I’ll give him $5 so he can buy something for himself”. Then I thought, but this feeling isn’t coming from my core, I feel that I’m reacting to energy that he’s putting out.  As I had this realization, I could feel my energy somewhat congealing into a ball and forming a bit of a shield between the man and me. My energy seemed to do this on its own. I had the thought that my energy was choosing to keep itself “intact”.  At this point the man got restless, stood up, stretched, walked about and then laid on the grass directly in front of me – and now closer to me than he had been when sitting on the bench. Even though he was lying on his back and facing away from me, I was very aware of his energy – and it was on my food.  After lying on the ground for a few minutes, the man got up and came to sit behind me on the bench. I didn’t turn around to see how close he was, but my energy body must have thought he was really close, as I felt it develop a thicker wall between us. After a few more minutes, having eaten all of my Falafel, I decided to leave – without looking back. As I walked away my mind searched, asking “Have you no compassion, do you not think it would have been loving to share?” But another part of me said, this was about more than compassion or being loving. This was about learning to contain your energy and to choose with whom you are going to share it.

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My Awakening (and my book) Continues #13

The province where I live has House Lotteries offering lovely houses as prizes. I had come up with the idea that I would Put Out the Intention, that I would win one of these houses and develop a Retreat where others could join me in my Personal and Spiritual Growth. I had a really good feeling when I attended the viewing of a House that I thought would be suitable for a Retreat, so I bought a ticket. But I didn’t win.

I had felt so strongly that I was going to win that house.

Yes, for a time it appeared that you would.

Then why didn’t I?

There were several reasons. You were not really ready, a lesson for you in romantic relationships became available, and the floor plan was not right remember?

So have I been too demanding as to how the house should be?

Why do you tend to think that there was something wrong on your part when your requests are not answered in the way that you hoped? Do you think that it is possible that the timing was just not right? Or that you had other lessons to learn first?

*

While waiting for another suitable house to become available, I had done a drawing that modified the floor plan of the first house. The floor plan of the second house was exactly as I had drawn, but the house was on a busy street. I came home somewhat frustrated after viewing this house.

So are you accepting the idea of continuing at your job as opposed to being at the Lottery House?

I hadn’t expected an entrance on a busy street.

But you asked for it to be near a bus stop.

I was thinking maybe a block away.

Oh.

Stepping onto the deck was certainly wonderful.

That is in response to your desire to have a deck where people can sit and enjoy the ocean.

The floor plan is as I had drawn it.

So do you want the house?

Yes I would love it.

Yet you still have trouble believing it could be possible, do you not?

Yes I do. Why is that?

It is because you have a Belief that wonderful things do not happen for someone like you.

What does someone like me mean?

Someone who has never had these wonderful things.

Someone who has not worked hard enough.

Someone who is not deserving of them.

These are your beliefs. They are not ours.

*

I received a brochure on another Lottery House that looked like it might be suitable for my Retreat House idea. The Lottery Foundation had purchased a waterfront estate, which had then been divided into 4 lots. I had visited the first house when it was built and had then wandered across the remaining land finding myself drawn to a spot at the water’s edge.

As I stood on that spot with the wind in my face, I sensed that I had stood there before. It seemed to be some kind of a Power Spot for me as I felt both grounded and transported to another dimension at the same time. This Power Spot was on what I considered to be the most beautiful of the vacant lots. I had the feeling that my house would be built on that lot.  Well the house in the brochure was on the beautiful lot – but my Power Spot was actually on the neighboring lot whose view of the ocean was much less expansive.

Perhaps because the current house was on the lot with the view that I loved, I spent some time evaluating. One house had the view that I loved but did not contain my Power Spot. Also the house was not totally to my liking – it was stucco whereas I prefer wood, and it had black trim, which is possibly my least favorite color.

Is this about me needing to make a choice?

This is about issues and priorities. That was a valuable exercise that you did about comparing how you would feel if you were already sitting in your house on the ocean watching the rain – that you would be having the same thoughts and feelings as you are having now, just in a more glorious setting.

So it isn’t about the House, it’s about me?

Yes.

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