in my landscape invitation i was a woman standing alone at the water’s edge in a clearing with trees on either side of me. i had the sense of others behind me which sometimes felt like my community still asleep nearby and at other times felt like those who had come before me. the symbol that came to me was a partial sun on the horizon.

when the facilitator read the list of emotions each and every one on the list registered in my body tho each felt slightly different. when i heard the last emotion of hopelessness it was as tho all of the previous emotions came together and merged into one glob called hopelessness.

when i asked hopelessness what she wanted to express she seemed to cover many of the emotions on the list by saying “i don’t know why or how you continue. what do you hope to accomplish. don’t you know that we have tried everything before and it didn’t work out. why do you expect a different result this time. so what that you feel superior or special. you aren’t you know. we were just as smart and as capable as you. who do you think you are. we are just trying to protect you by not getting your hopes up, not wasting your life.

while hopelessness’s words sound a bit harsh as i type them when she spoke i actually felt her love which brought a smile to my face.

later i had a brief visit with hopelessness and she said that the reason that each of the emotions merged into one glob called hopelessness is that whenever an ancestor felt sad hopelessness magnified the sadness as a way to protect the ancestor from pursuing further personal or spiritual growth. hopelessness says she is now helping me by encouraging a balance between my expanding body awareness and expanding awareness of my beliefs. as my body feels more and my mind fears more, hopelessness now monitors bringing balance.