oh-we-should-have-told-you

I had rather forgotten about the whole issue of a possible talk with the VP as my son was visiting and we were doing family stuff. My son left one morning and that evening I remembered the work thing and I thought, “Hey, I must have escaped that ordeal”. Not so! The next morning I got the “I need to see you for a few minutes” email from the VP.

Since the request was by email, I decided to take a smoke break before I responded. I was amazed at the feelings that came up during this smoke break. I don’t want to do more accounts. Well, maybe I could do this much more. Maybe I could trade one of my smaller accounts for a larger one, etc. etc.

I even saw myself start the tape that said, “don’t you dare change things, I want things to stay just the way they are, until I have manifested what I really want”.

And then I remembered, that I had been seeing my job as temporary and wondering why “what I really want” had not been manifesting. Aha! – “what I really want” has not been manifesting because I have been holding onto “things staying just the way they are until….”

This Aha threw me into total confusion. I can’t remember the last time I was so unbalanced.

But Someone accompanied me to that talk because I ended up with things staying the same. And not by my own doing. I wasn’t capable of negotiating. At one point I even said to the VP, “I don’t even know what I want”.

So, maybe the “good news” from this is that we are somehow “protected” and almost can’t screw up.

yesterday morning i felt a huge release of my female lineage’s condemnation of various male family members who excessively favored “sex, alcohol and aggression”.

as the day went on i found myself moving into compassion for the male members, several of whom i had known or lived with.

then in my sleep i was shown/asked if i could feel the same level of compassion for myself. and you know what. i COULDN’T.

we explored the idea of a sense of superiority. i could extend that level of compassion to others because others “needed” that level of compassion, but i didn’t NEED it because i was “superior”. i was meant to GIVE compassion not to RECEIVE it. 

we also explored the idea of worthiness. possibly i didn’t feel worthy of this level of compassion.

still a work in process 

I am tired,

I want to rest, to be comforted, and to be supported.

All of you, now that you can see the Finish Line,

want to cross that line and bask in the glory.

That will come.

There’s just a bit more work to be done before the basking.

It’s actually harder now that the Finish Line is in sight.

Do not go backwards.

Remember that you are never alone,

that you are loved, and that you will be cared for.

Is cared for the same as provided for?

You will provide for yourself with our assistance.

And who are you who will be assisting me?

We are your Angelic Team,

those who have known you in other lifetimes and in other Realities.

We come here now to assist you as you take this very important next step,

important both in your own development

and in the development of Humanity.

We Thank You for your Agreement to take this step

and for the courage that you show by doing so.

a couple of days ago i was witnessing an intense discussion

when one of the participants pulled out what i felt to be “the victim card”

at which point i stopped witnessing and scrolled on (the discussion was on fb).

in my sleep just now i was retrieving childhood memories

and what did i come up against – an “anti-victim claiming” part

that had to do with the emotional neglect of my childhood

which i was refusing to acknowledge.

my day started off with lots of anger releasing from my system

and me eating everything in sight.

i did some “beditating” and integrated one very pissed off rageful aspect.

last night i was feeling into patriarchy and remembered “as without so within”

and i realised that my masculine energy had been oppressing & suppressing my feminine energy.

the rageful aspect i integrated may be a reflection of that.

not sure which energy was rageful.

the feminine for having been oppressed + suppressed

or the masculine because the feminine was shaking off the shackles

i’m discovering that my shadow also includes some so-called “positive” traits.

i was an exuberant, feisty, carefree 3-5 year old who gave up these traits

because they made the adults in my world uncomfortable.

so i adopted more serious and responsible traits.

same with my self-confidence and “being full of myself” as my mother used to say

and which the adults around me considered to be arrogance, vanity and pride.

shadow work is helping me uncover my exuberant, carefree, confident self.

recently i was able to access the part of myself who had all of these traits i had given up.

then i felt them fading away and i realised i had difficulty objecting to the fading away.

i felt regressed to the age where todders say “mine”.

even then i was able to say “mine” with only about 75% of the strength which i would like,

but i’m happy to have accessed this part and reclaimed 75% of “mine”

as the facilitator read the list of emotions which grief contains, each and every one on the list registered in my body, tho each felt slightly different. when i heard the last emotion of hopelessness it was as tho all of the previous emotions came together and merged into one glob called hopelessness.

when i asked hopelessness what she wanted to express, she seemed to cover many of the emotions on the list by saying “i don’t know why or how you continue. what do you hope to accomplish? don’t you know that we have tried everything before and it didn’t work out. why do you expect a different result this time. so that that you feel superior or special? you aren’t you know. we were just as smart and as capable as you. who do you think you are? we are just trying to protect you by not getting your hopes up, not wasting your life.

while hopelessness’s words sound a bit harsh as i type them, when she spoke i actually felt her love which brought a smile to my face.

later, i had a brief visit with hopelessness and she said that the reason that each of the emotions merged into one glob called hopelessness, is that whenever an ancestor felt sad, hopelessness magnified the sadness as a way to protect the ancestor from pursuing further personal or spiritual growth.

hopelessness says she is now helping me by encouraging a balance between my expanding body awareness and expanding awareness of my beliefs. as my body feels more and my mind fears more, hopelessness now monitors bringing balance.

i’m discovering that my shadow also includes some so-called “positive” traits.

i was an exuberant, feisty, carefree 3-5 year old who gave up these traits because they made the adults in my world uncomfortable. so i adopted more serious and responsible traits.

same with my self-confidence and “being full of myself” as my mother used to say and which the adults around me considered to be arrogrance, vanity and pride.

shadow work is helping me uncover my exuberant, carefree, confident self.

after decades of living in denial and running to new jobs, cities and relationships, 10 years ago i began to more and more cut off from myself until a couple of years later i was totally isolated.

that’s when i “heard” a message saying “stay put”. it appeared at first like i was to “stay put” geographically as my attempts to run repeatedly failed. Then i realised “stay put” also meant to face myself which i did for 5 years reading, journalling and watching videos and webinars. eventually i joined fb groups and webinars sometimes even braving video participation.

then a couple of years ago my higher self arranged a geographical move. this time to shared accommodation which has forced/allowed me to observe my behavior in relation to others. i feel like i’m dealing with an adolescent self who doesn’t understand how “real life” works. i have come to realise that i grew up with the trauma of emotional neglect which has only recently been acknowleged as a form of trauma so wasn’t covered in my years of counselling or self-help exploration.

as i was typing i had a realisation. my inner child is the one who never grew up, doesn’t feel confident in knowing “how the real world works”. she has been constantly overruled by my adult self who has required of her that she become serious rather than playful and do “work” and not “play” which feels like she was required to do things that her heart wasn’t in.

and my adult self lied to her telling her that someday she would be able to play, that she wouldn’t have to work “for ever”. but to a child years seem for ever. i thought i would be writing that i have to forgive my adult self and possibly i do for her lying tho i also need to thank her for keeping us safe.