oh-we-should-have-told-you

My soul & I

due to an incident in my childhood I had developed a fear that me choosing what I want has the potential to interfere with having my survival needs met.

I had come to label this fear as fear of being cold, hungry and alone.

now i’m remembering accessing a past-life aspect of an eskimo gramma adrift on an ice floe so as to not be a burden on the diminishing food supply of the tribe or clan. (a perfect acting out of being cold, hungry and alone).

over time I realized that I was not clear whether or not this being on the ice floe was voluntary or whether that gramma had been forced onto the ice floe.

another past-life aspect that I had accessed was a bank robber. well I thought it was a bank robber because the symbol in the vision was a burlap sack like the one that bank robbers used in western movies.

I had been shown the connection between my lack of abundance and my robber aspect but this morning a piece has been added ….

at the place in my body where I was shown the connection between my lack of abundance and my robber aspect I have recently accessed 2 new sensations.

at the front of my body a small burning spot like I was being prodded with a hot poker. and at the back of that body spot a sack of pus which I have labeled the energy of self-loathing.

this morning the pieces look like this …. 

the eskimo gramma and the robber were one and the same.

and were forced onto the ice floe because she had been stealing food from the tribe’s diminishing food supply.

and she has carried this feeling of loathing herself for what she did and of deserving to be cold, hungry and alone.

after writing all of this I threw up my hands in exasperation and shouted. so what good does it do me to know all of this.

and soul said “it makes a good story”

I’ve experienced some weird animal behavior over the past 24 hrs.

a new neighbor dog was coming around last year and stealing my smoking cushions. i haven’t seen him for months, maybe even a year, till yesterday afternoon when he came around acting manic. i thought that dog should be on prozac.

then this morning i was sitting immediately outside my door on a ledge. sitting really close to the door. when this bird came flying out of no where flying fast about knee height in my sitting position and quite close to my knees. flew towards the door and when it realised the door was closed it was momentarily almost trapped in the corner formed by the door and the ledge and behind my coat that was hanging down because i was sitting. didn’t take long for the bird to right itself and find its way to the open side of the patio and freedom. only thing i can think of is that it thought my blue door was water or sky. still weird and strange that it happened so soon after weird behavior of dog.

A friend asked .. What do you think the universe wants your attention for?

Me … perhaps asking . are you just going to sit there ignoring all the craziness going on around you

earlier i was chatting with a “non-physical entity” called tobias who claims he is tobias of the story of tobit which is contained in some editions of the bible. i was introduced to tobias thru monthly channels of a spiritual community i belonged to. and for a few years tobias was “my man”. i needed to hear him tell me he loved me over and over and over. possibly because i came from a lineage where children were not told that they were loved. so tobias filled a hole in my heart and he has remained in my heart since.

as a result of recent readings about “false light” and “bonding from our wounds” i got to pondering my relationship with tobias. so today i chatted with him about how he could be part of the false light construct and i may have bonded with him out of my wounding.

and what did tobias answer. he said it didn’t matter if he was part of the false construct or not. that the important part was that i had learned what it felt like to feel loved. that everything is/was done out of love. even if entities are part of the false light construct or they deceive/betray humans, it is all for the benefit of the human. all part of the play that we came to earth to learn. similar to the light and the dark. only by knowing one could we truly know the other.

in parting he added . yes you are loved. everyone is loved. and everyone is loving. even those who lie to you, deceive you, mistreat you, do so in love. so that you will rise to your greatness and say no more mistreatment, no more deceit. henceforth i will listen carefully and discern. i will heal my wounds so that i am less susceptible to being misled.

Oh how many hours have I cried

Without really knowing the reason why

With head held low

Over arms that were bent

I cried and cried until I was spent

I cried for you and I cried for me

Mostly I cried where no-one could see

Why did I feel

That I couldn’t be real

Or that people wouldn’t accept me as me

Why did I think that I needed to learn

To behave like others, learn to discern

What was good and what was bad

What made me happy, what made me sad

Why couldn’t I just have been me from the start

One little Being with a great big heart

i accessed an emotion / feeling that i have identified as self-loathing. it was the most vile thing i have ever encountered.

during that time i recalled a conversation i had had with my non-physical friend tobias.

He & i were discussing past experiences of lying and betraying that i had been involved in. we discussed that in many of these experiences i had lied or betrayed to protect members of my family or community.

but then i had the sense that there was something that had not been said / acknowledged. so i asked tobias if all of my lies and betrayals had been to protect others.

i can still feel tobias’s gentle response of .. not all of them sharon not all of them.

the implication being that there had been times when i had lied and deceived to protect my own skin.

so yea self-loathing would be there for acceptance.

i’m finding that this self-worth issue is a two-sided thing.

there’s accepting / loving my grandness

and there’s accepting / loving my un-grandness

i felt a jolt when i read this comment .. “Even some of my own dark experiences that have shaped my life have turned out to be false memories implanted to keep me busy healing trauma within myself and not focused on my service to others”

after the jolt i remembered talking with a trauma coach and completing her questionnaire to see if i would be a suitable client for her. part way thru i had the thought that i didn’t really need what she was offering. i had the thought just before she said the actual words.

i was scrolling thru my journal notes to recall that conversation. didn’t find my notes but did find notes on another time. 
……. last evening i was really restless, couldn’t settle on an activity. so i visited the thread re that trauma retreat, watch a couple of powerful episodes with primal scream releases. then i went to sleep and could feel energy buildup in my body. woke about 4am having gotten up to pee about 3/4 times guess releasing lots of pissed off energy. got up after getting a message/download that no-one knew more than me or that i knew as much as others including others who were channeled.

spent a couple of hours on facebook. listened to an orion transmission about war between light & dark and memories from that time. went back to bed. in my sleep it was as tho one part of me kept trying to go to the depths of feelings of guilt & remorse about that light-dark fight but i couldn’t quite get to the depths.

then i had the question of was it all an illusion. was the guilt & remorse i thought i was carrying actually an illusion. and that felt valid. and i thought shit can this be true. have we been tricked into negative feelings that really have no basis. hmmm …… hopefully this time i will truly “get it” !!!!

i had a far out 🙂 thought this morning.

for years it was not unusual for me to see a vision behind my closed eyelids.

this vision was of a kind of milky way with a dark background and dots or circles of various sizes and of a vibrant blue color like cobalt blue in the foreground. 

a couple of months ago i once again saw this vision and realised that i hadn’t seen it in quite some time.

shortly after that sighting i saw the image again. only this time it was in black & white rather than in color (wizard of oz in reverse 🙂 )

yet i also felt a burst of excitement at seeing the black & white image.

felt like i had taken a further step or reached higher or deeper.

but i didn’t get any aha to satisfy my curiosity 

then i was drawn to watch 2 alba hypnotherapy videos that involved talk about intergalactic stuff.  

and this morning i thought that vision i had that reminded me of the milky way

and then being in black & white was my galactic shadow aspects !!!

will be interesting to integrate them 🙂

recently i accepted an offer of a free 15 minute consultation from a trauma coach.

as i was answering the coach’s list of prescribed questions for her to determine whether or not i would be a suitable client for her

i suddenly got the intuitive message that the belief that i have carried about elusive trauma that i have experienced (elusive meaning that i have no memory of specifics)

anyway the intuitive message i got was that my memories of past trauma are an illusion.

before i could share this message with the coach i heard her saying “i don’t think you need my services”. 

i was reading an article about how once you begin to shift your mindset your entire experience with money begins to change. You start to feel freer in every way, and as physical and emotional barriers dissolve, suddenly new avenues of income start to appear. this is all just part of the natural process of you reconnecting with the universal state of flow.

My response to this article is that i have had a variety of experiences re money & flow. once even going to the grocery store and thinking omg prices have taken a jump. but when i breathed and continued to shop i found that many of my “stock items” were the usual price and my favorite coffee was actually 1/2 price. that time i bought only a few items and the next time i returned to the store prices seemed to be back to “normal”. as i was typing i wondered about timeline jumping. earlier i had wondered about our trust being tested. Regardless in my experience it hasn’t been a matter of stepping into the flow and being able to stay there. there seems to be a period of wobbling. i am finding it helpful to take limited or only necessary action during the out of flow times and being more adventurous during the times of being in the flow

i’ve been experiencing memories of past “shameful” behavior on my part.

memories that i have previously suppressed

that now are coming into my awareness. 

it has been quite painful to remember some of the behaviors.

but remembering i am.

no longer pushing the memory back under the carpet. 

just now while allowing myself to sit with one such memory

i was surprised to witness this little tyrant come forth screaming

“yeah well he/she deserved to be treated like that. remember what he/she did to us”.

omg this little tyrant was FURIOUS.

so i see now

that it was this hurt little tyrant who caused the “shameful” behavior.