i accessed an emotion / feeling that i have identified as self-loathing. it was the most vile thing i have ever encountered.

during that time i recalled a conversation i had had with my non-physical friend tobias.

He & i were discussing past experiences of lying and betraying that i had been involved in. we discussed that in many of these experiences i had lied or betrayed to protect members of my family or community.

but then i had the sense that there was something that had not been said / acknowledged. so i asked tobias if all of my lies and betrayals had been to protect others.

i can still feel tobias’s gentle response of .. not all of them sharon not all of them.

the implication being that there had been times when i had lied and deceived to protect my own skin.

so yea self-loathing would be there for acceptance.

i’m finding that this self-worth issue is a two-sided thing.

there’s accepting / loving my grandness

and there’s accepting / loving my un-grandness