oh-we-should-have-told-you

in my sleep i met up with my part that convinces me that i don’t deserve what i want.

she was like a tree branch stuck in the riverbank.

a bit ugly but not overly frightening.

we had a discussion during which she told me i didn’t deserve things i wanted

because of horrible things i had done.

and i accepted that.

even tho there was no mention of what those horrible things were.

this morning i thought oh wow.

this relates to my 6 yr old self fearing that she would blow apart her family if she chose/pursued what she wanted.

i created my “you don’t deserve” part

to help me not pursue what i wanted.

“you don’t deserve aspect’s taunt of “you don’t deserve b’cos of heinous things you have done”

is a LIE.

something she & i made up

to keep me from choosing what i want

and believing i deserved it.

last tuesday i was “planning” a trip to the big island.

and i was clear about renewing my drivers license

and having greek food

each in the area close to the ferry terminal.

my practical part said take your computer to the shop while you’re on that island.

it’s only 20 minutes down the road.

but each time i thought of taking the computer i felt foggy.

so i didn’t take my computer.

today i noticed a funny smell when i drove to the local shopping center.

i checked my car’s oil and it’s really low.

and i thought

it wouldn’t have been a good idea to do that 40 minutes of highway driving the other day 

just got an aha.

what i was describing as being foggy

is like using the 2 sides of our brain.

like we used to use a pendulum.

when i’m foggy

it’s like the pendulum is still swaying.

no clear answer

so i take no action

i think many of us have been mis-led to believe that one day we will wake up (after some “event”) and everything around us will have changed. and we will call that the new earth.

what i believe is that the energy has changed and now new earth is available to all who choose to learn the skill of living on new earth.

because in my opinion it *is* a skill. and like any new skill there is a learning curve.

start being aware of even tiny moments of joy, laughter. of simply enjoying yourself and feeling at ease, in beauty, relaxed.

acknowledge even the tiny miracles. pleasant weather when you want to go for a walk, a friend phoning when you feel like company, having the ingredients to make a meal that you fancy.

become aware of and acknowledge those and they will increase

and you will create your own new earth.

i woke from a nap during which i downloaded a session re “empaths is it time to retire?”

the download talked about how we empaths had voluntarily expanded our energy field to absorb the feelings that others did not want to feel. but now it was time to retire from doing that. 

there was confusion as to how we would go about retiring from doing this.

one theory was that we strengthen our energetic boundaries so no further energy would be absorbed.

another theory was that we allow the energies to flow thru us. that we wouldn’t be negatively affected.

then there seemed to be a consensus that we do it in 2 steps.

strengthen our boundaries, transmute within till we are clear of both energy we had already absorbed and of receptors to these energies that remain in our energy field.

then we would be in a position to let all energies flow thru us.

And there was something about now it’s time for those others to do the work for themselves.

We come to this point
This point of No Return
Go back they say
I cannot I say
I cannot go back
I cannot stay
In slumber as I once was
I must go on go beyond
Beyond where I have gone
To a new day a new sunrise
To be all that I can be
To see all that I can see.

my 7 year old grandson was playing with his friends at the neighborhood playground when he erupted in such wails of anguish/agony that several adults ran to see what was the matter.

Between sobs my grandson explained that his anguish/agony was due to a friend having laughed at him. We adults kinda looked at each other thinking how do we handle this one?

My grandson then became angry and started to chase his friend with the intention to retaliate. Instead of running the friend stood & faced my grandson at which point each child seemed to go into paralysis and no retaliation occurred. Instead my grandson cried softly and began walking home.

A minute later he buried his face into a bush we were passing and said I am in love with everything. He then chatted away about other things for a couple of minutes during which I was too awe struck by what has just occurred to register what he was saying until he started crying again and said how 2 years earlier he had been laughed at after giving a performance for his kindergarten class.

And I thought WOW that’s the pain & anguish he was accessing / releasing earlier. And how AMAZING that he was able to trace it back to that source in a matter of about 5 minutes.

I have left jobs hoping to find my “passion”, only to always return to jobs that “pay the bills”– so I have a memory of failure.

One day I thought how previously, I had tended to stay focused on work until I quit and then once I was unemployed, I would start focusing on my unemployed state with its associated pressures and fears.

This time I thought, why don’t you fast-forward this movie and pretend that you’re already unemployed. That way you can experience the pressures and the fears while you also have the luxury and comfort of a pay check.

And you know, it worked. For 24 hours I was in absolute terror.

Thank You to the part of me that during this time, reminded me of previous times of turmoil when I have survived.

the fridge i am currently using is one of those ancient ones that require manual defrosting.

For the past couple of days i have been thinking that i would tackle that job “soon”.

This morning i woke at 3am and remembering the time it takes for the fridge to defrost i had the idea to unplug the fridge and open its doors to begin the defrosting.

A few hours later having emptied water from the collecting tray a few times i felt like returning to bed.

I checked the fridge’s progress. About 50% done. Hmmm. What to do.

If i did the placing a pan of hot water in the freezer to speed things along it would probably be done in an hour.

But i didn’t feel like spending the next hour replacing pans of hot water and emptying the collecting tray.

Then i had the brilliant idea to close the doors to the fridge which was quite cool and delay the defrosting till i woke properly.

A few hours later i woke and checked the fridge. The collecting tray needed emptying but otherwise everything was fine. No mess. Yah !

So i once again opened the fridge doors .. and went grocery shopping.

When i returned with my groceries the collecting tray was full once again including sheets of ice that had fallen from the outer edges of the freezer.

So i emptied that and then wiped the sheets of ice from the inside of the freezer

and voila the fridge was defrosted.

I woke about 3am and decided to go out for a smoke. Nodding at the front desk clerk I headed out the door. and went to sit on a ledge about 20 feet from the front door which I had done many, many times before.

this time a young man came along. a well dressed good-looking young man and he sat down beside me. he looked out of place from the street people who are frequently out & about at that hour. or the young partiers who are making their way home in pairs or groups.

anyway the guy sits beside me & starts chatting. says he’s from cuba and we have a decent chat. then he starts saying he would like to have sex. so we continue chatting including about sex in general. I say I no longer have an interest in sex. that may have been after he said he would like to have sex with me.

so we have a conversation interspersed with him coming back to wanting to have sex. he even got as far as saying he was prepared to pay. at which point I said gee there’s usually girls around that you could do business with. and I scanned the street and seriously there was not one other soul in sight. Yikes !

cos usually there is always one or 2 people wandering by. lots of homeless peeps walking to keep warm. And I realise I’m on the sidewalk all alone with this guy who wants to have sex with me. And he’s sitting between me and the door to the hostel ! 

I now look at him closely and see that his eyes are glazed. so not necessarily drunk but high on something.

just as I’m trying to decide whether it’s better that I stand up or remain sitting, the front door of the hostel opens and out walks a guy. tiny little guy who doesn’t even see me & dude sitting on the periphery of the lights from the hostel. but it’s enough to alert sex-crazed dude to get up and walk away. And I went back inside feeling super grateful.

Monday morning I started my “avoiding prohibitive street parking costs 9am-6pm”. And what a fascinating experience. The weather was hot and free parking spaces few and far between. I had taken my laptop with me and found that an a&w had good wifi reception but also found that I felt I could only stay there for a certain length of time. So I spent the day moving around as I felt that I had kinda worn out my welcome at certain spots.

And then I thought this is how the homeless must feel. How long can I loiter without putting myself in the position of being asked to move along. I remembered how once doing an exercise to determine our biggest fear I had identified a big fear of being “cold, hungry and alone” and I got that’s part of what I’m accessing at the moment. i sense i have accessed that fear at a deeper level and released some residue.

The next day I visited a new friend in suburbia. as I drove up to her house it was like I re-visited my time in suburbia the good, the bad and the ugly, even the parts I thought I wanted to experience and didn’t get a chance to experience. and partly it felt foreign as tho i was feeling i can’t believe that i ever found such a setting to be desirable. who was i or what was i thinking when i lived in a house almost identical to the one i’m parked in front of. In that 60 second experience it evaporated. bye bye suburbia. been there done that. Finished thank you.

And there were miracles. The day before I was to meet my new friend I thought geesh Sharon your car is filthy inside and out. and I mean filthy especially inside, to the point where I was almost embarrassed. So as I was driving along what do I spot but a ‘car wash” sign. I pull in and learn that they have a “special for seniors” $15 for interior & exterior cleaning. And they did a fantastic job !