i participated in a lions gate webinar meditation so i was wide open energetically when a neighbor mom + toddler knocked on my door. they tend to visit when mom doesn’t work. kid plays with rocks & sticks while mom & i smoke & chat.

today 1/2 hr after webinar meditation i had just cooked my lunch when i heard their knock. i thought ok i’ll take my lunch outside and eat.

opened the door and toddler had brought toys and the 2 of them were happily ensconced on my patio.

part of me went beserk (fortunately silently beserk).

so i had lunch then said well i’m going inside and they gathered up their belonging and left.

but my beserk aspect that got activated took a few hours to integrate.

started with being taken advantage of, disrespected. so asked myself where i don’t value/respect myself.

then moved on to feeling my space had been invaded (dna carry over from my mother’s lineage indigenous roots).

then resolution by realising feeling invaded energetically by my mother as an infant. and i had pushed her away and closed myself down.

so i thought i have that pattern. when i let people in energetically i also tend to push them away and shut down. even with love.

huge aha.

between my beserk aspect and going to bed i spent a lot of time sitting outside and i could feel the trees drawing energy out of my system. energy that i am choosing to release.

Then i had an interesting night.

my consciousness went to a spot in my body that i have referred to as my wound. i was told that it was a portal and did i want to close it.

i thought well that would be a new experience so i agreed.

as the energy started to close the portal i had the fear thought of leaving something familiar and what would we do without it etc. hesitated for a split second then proceeded. and it closed.

once closed i had the thought now i can do magic. what magic would i like to do/create. practical things like new clothes, new home came to mind. but no answer to what activities or passions.

and i realised because i had let my mother invade my energy boundaries at such a young age and then had shut down that i no longer knew what i truly wanted to do. what excites me or makes me happy.

the wound area reminds me of a visit from st germain in 2007/08. he asked me if i wanted to receive my abundance. i said hell yes.

and i felt that abundance enter the front of my body in the area that i later came to call my wound. the abundance entered my body and passed right on thru and exited the back of my body and i had a vision of a burlap sack with $ sign attached to the exit point. burlap sack with $ sign like bank robbers in cartoons.

couple of years later i brought home my bank robber aspect and my body was flooded with shame.

i’m sensing i was carrying karma that didn’t allow me to have abundance cos of past shame about being a bank robber.

akashic reading said my lineage had been involved in shady dealings re land.