oh-we-should-have-told-you

i was doing some “porch sitting” and was pretty much lost in gazing at the water when into my awareness floated the phrase “you live here now” with equal emphasis on the words “here’ and “now”. this brought me a bit out of water-gazing mode and more into focus.

then i was brought scene after scene which involved the phrase “you live here now”
each scene involved 2 parts which somewhat balanced or contrasted with each other.  for example in one scene i was a small girl maybe 6/7 years old
in part A it felt like i had been removed from my family of slaves, brought to the “main house” and told “you live here now” (i sensed as a servant)
in part B i was in an orphanage and taken to a large elaborate house and told “you live here now” (i sensed as part of the family, that i had been adopted)
so scene after scene with 2 parts which somewhat balanced or contrasted with each other

then the “mood” changed a bit and it felt that it now also involved non-physical aspects. like i was bringing in some aspects that had never been here/to earth and saying to them “you live here now”. this time it felt less like displacement (as had the opening scenes) and more like a reunion or welcoming.

later I went looking for a dream that i had a while back because it factored into the “physical / non-physical” 2nd part of my experience today. In the dream several adults or mature beings were watching over an infant and there was some concern about the infant’s “future”. In the next scene the infant was lying in a little wooden box. my initial reaction was that the infant had died and been placed in a coffin. Then a procession of male figures (dressed like hell’s angels) walked past the box containing the infant and as each man passed the box he rapped the brass knuckles on his right hand against the side of the box and said “not in this lifetime”. one after the other a man rapping on the box and saying “not in this lifetime” “not in this lifetime”. Initially I assumed that the infant was me but who were these males. 

months after having this dream i got the sense that i WAS in fact the infant in the box and i was being “sent off” and my brotherhood who had traveled with me for eons were letting me know that this time they could not come with me. that this time i needed to go alone.

today during the second part of my experience i “felt” this brotherhood for the first time since the dream and it felt as though they had come to join me here. i’m not sure if they were once again telling me that i needed to go on/be alone (couldn’t rejoin them in their realms) or if i was in fact embodying them.
i do see how the 2nd part of my experience also contained that balance/contrast aspect. in the dream i had a year or so ago i had been in a brotherhood/family and then had to go on alone. today i was sitting alone and was joined by/reunited with my brotherhood / family

for the past couple of years i have been fortifying my “feeling abundant” by no longer watching / checking as my groceries are being rung up. i do whatever i feel like doing during that time and when the cashier announces the total i happily pay that amount.

earlier this week i stopped for a couple of packs of cigarettes and when the cashier announced the total my mind jumped in and said whaaaat that much for 2 packs of cigarettes. so i double checked with the cashier who said oh i’m sorry i charged you for 3 packs.

then today i had a mirror image of that experience when i picked up a couple of small items at the hardware store. when the cashier announced the total my mind jumped in and said whaaaat so little for those 2 items. so i double checked with the cashier who said oh i’m sorry one item didn’t register.

and the really funny / weird thing is that my “overcharge” earlier in the week was almost to the penny the amount of my “undercharge” today. i feel there’s a cosmic wink in there somewhere.

I’ve been reflecting on discernment prompted by a memory of visiting with a friend who was telling me about a book she was reading and about which she was very excited.

while the topic of the book didn’t really interest me I listened for a few minutes mostly enjoying my friend’s pleasure in the topic.

after a few minutes my enjoyment turned to boredom and then to omg are you totally oblivious to the fact that I have absolutely no interest in this topic.

at the time I came away asking if I wanted to see this friend again . cos she was so insensitive

this morning I’m thinking perhaps what I saw/felt as insensitivity on her part was because she did not grow up in an environment where she learned to ‘read” how others felt about what she was saying.

the upside of this . for those of us who did grow up learning to “read” others and their responses. is that we may have an easier time with discernment which many are saying will be crucial in the days ahead

When I was checking out renting this place I had a choice. Share the main floor with a young man who has lived here for years. Or rent the bottom floor suite. The choice was difficult as the main floor has floor to ceiling windows and a great deck each facing the water. But I would have a roommate !

The bottom floor has regular windows which means a view only while standing and restricted sunlight as the upstairs deck extends past the windows. Plus the sitting out space for the suite was under the deck and part of the space was being used as a storage space for unused items. But I would have my own space and be free to indulge my weird living patterns. So I decided upon the bottom floor figuring I could carve out a sitting out space somewhere else on the property.

My move here was delayed one month because a friend of the upstairs tenants needed a place to stay for one month. I was disappointed but there was nothing I could do to change the situation.

Imagine my surprise and delight when I arrived to find that during her one month stay the friend had not only re-arranged the furniture into a much more workable format but she had cleared out a lot of stuff from under the deck to enlarge and de-clutter the sitting out area. A couple of days later the upstairs tenant moved his stuff that had been blocking the far end of this sitting out area which provides an opening to a flat sunny space AND that flat sunny space has probably the best view on the whole property as it looks out UNDER the branches of the evergreen trees.

So now I have a space to myself, a sunny space for sitting-out and a dynamite view !

Decades ago during my final year at university (when i was contemplating my next move romantically + career wise) i injured my right ankle 3x, 1x quite severly. But i was working towards a degree in physical education so chose not to give my ankle time to heal properly before i was back on the field & court.

3 days ago i was weeding my gravel patio. As i sat on a little stool and reached for the weeds i guess i stretched my right ankle in an unfamiliar direction. At the time i felt a mild sensation but no real pain. The pain came over the next 2 days when i experienced leg ache similar to “growing pains”

Then yesterday i participated in a webinar which was a group constellations work around romantic + career decisions & boundaries. During the webinar so many of my issues got covered that i needed a 2 hour nap when the webinar was over. Lots of stuff got worked on/out during that nap. As it did during my sleep last night.

This morning i woke with so much pain going thru my system that i thought i might pass out. i felt a need for oxygen so i went to sit outside for a bit. But i couldn’t find a comfortable sitting position so i came back inside and propped myself up in bed with my leg outstretched and my bedroom window open.

I haven’t worked thru anything this severe since my years ago experience with bursitis in my right shoulder. Right shoulder, right hip. Hopefully my right side is now aligned and there will be no further severe episodes.

I had made arrangements to take my daughter’s baby out at 2 pm.

About an hour before it would be time for me to leave my home I start getting super restless and keep getting “Go Now” nudges.

Finally I decide Just Go. you can garden or whatever if the baby is still sleeping.

So thinking that it was probably because I was in need of grounding, off I went.

I arrived to find my daughter essentially alone – baby napping,  5 yr old playing at the neighbor’s house and hubby off at the hardware store.

over the past few days i have been visited by a small black & white dog. A newbie to the neighborhood. The friskiest little guy i have ever seen. He has now visited me 3x.

First visit was just a quick hello. 2nd visit he was on a tracking mission, so other than a brief crawl-all-over-me he didn’t spend much time with me.

Today was visit #3. i was sitting on a pebble covered step so had placed a small cushion under my butt. Doggie was so hyper and was once again all-over-me. Only this time he continued to be all-over-me, to the point where once he mounted my back and i thought omg he’s going to hump my back. But nope doggie couldn’t be still long enough for any humping. Off my back and down to my knees, feet, crotch and everything in between. Even putting his snout into my sleeves, pockets etc. It occurred to me that he might be thirsty, cos he was definitely giving the impression that he needed something.

So i came inside to get him some water. Closing the door in his anxious little face. Got a bowl of water and took it outside, only to find that doggie had moved on . As had my little cushion.

Grabbing my purse to head out to meet a friend for coffee, I wondered why my purse felt so heavy. Checking the contents I discovered that I had allowed a lot of coins to accumulate in my change purse. As I didn’t feel like carrying this weight I left my coin purse on the counter and walked out the door.

One block short of the café where I was to meet my friend I realized a) that I was 15 minutes early, b) standing beside a bench on the sidewalk and c) that the sun was shining on that bench. Wonderful! I’ll sit in the sun for 10 minutes and then walk the last block to the café.

As I sat there in the sun I noticed that on the corner across the street a young man was playing a keyboard. Delightful. Music to accompany my sitting in the sun. Then I chuckled thinking I really have no idea whether or not he would be considered to be playing well (as I am not overly musically inclined) but I am enjoying his playing nevertheless. I had the thought that I would like to drop a coin in his basket when I walked past him. 

Just as I was remembering that I wouldn’t be able to do that as I had left my coin purse at home, I heard a man’s voice behind me ask ”is he any good?” huh? I turned around and behind the bench stood a friendly looking well-dressed man. I said I don’t know whether or not he’s any good because I’m not overly musically inclined. but I am enjoying listening to him. The man said that he was thinking the same thing. that he wasn’t overly musically inclined but he was enjoying the guy’s playing. Hmmmmm.

We chatted briefly about the pleasant weather etc. and then the man asked if I would be walking across the street and past the musician. I said yes in about 5 minutes I will. The man then pulled some change out of his pocket and asked would I give this change to the musician as the man was walking in the other direction. I said of course I will and added that what was so funny and I told him about leaving my change purse at home etc. Whereupon the man pulled more change out of his pocket and said here you can give him this from you.

And off the man walked leaving me sitting there in awe of what had just happened.

today i decided it is definitely time to get a haircut
so i head out in my car to check out a new hairdresser
as i wasn’t happy with the first one i tried here on the island….
i followed the winding road without signs
and eventually found my way to hope cove (love the name)
up a flight of stairs in a beach house until i come to a door with a window in the door
and a one-chair salon on the other side
in i go to make an appointment
hair stylist gives me a great smile as tho she had been expecting me
says i’ll be right with you and finishes up with her current client
then she turns to me and asks what she can do for me
i say i’m overdue for a haircut and came to make an appointment
stylist says would you like a cut now as i just had a cancellation
i say oh yes. i love when life works like that
stylist says how would you like your hair cut
i say i’ve been thinking something different but am not clear on what kind of different
stylist asks would you like me to just play with it
sure i say
stylist asks do you trust me
i say yes i trust you implicitly (which was interesting since i had just met her)
so stylist starts running her fingers over my scalp and thru my hair
then she stops and says .. you don’t fit into any of the boxes
huh ?
Well usually when clients give me free rein to play with their hair
i run my fingers over their scalp and thru their hair
and i see a box with an image of what suits them
then i cut to reproduce the image i saw in the box
but you don’t fit in any of my boxes. oh this will be FUN !
and it was

I had a few administrative things to take care of

and they got done much more quickly than expected

after reading the email confirming that the last one was completed

I felt an unfamiliar feeling in my body

sitting for a bit with this unfamiliar feeling

I got that it was my “worry” aspect scanning my environment

to see how to fill the void left by all the administrative things now being successfully completed

and I thought omg is that how this “worry” thing works

I have an aspect that thinks it has the job of finding me things to worry about

had myself a nice little farewell party for that aspect 🙂