oh-we-should-have-told-you

(from my journal notes) ..

I woke early this morning and after some time with myself I decided to listen to Joe Rumbolo on Awakening Zone. Shortly after Joe talked about us living simultaneously in several dimensions, I decided to take a break from the show and check my emails.

Exiting my hotmail account through msn.com News, I see a headline about a big earthquake in Japan. My son has lived in Japan for the past 8 years so I know that earthquakes are somewhat of a common occurrence there but hmmm this one is big, this one is north of Tokyo. Then I see it…. Sendai (where my son and his young family live).

Tsunami waves up to 30 feet. Hmmm, my son said that their new house was up the hillside, I wonder how far up the hillside.

Oh wait the quake / tsunami occurred at 3pm their time. My son and his family would have been at the Day Care Center where they attend / work.

But wait, I’m not feeling the slightest bit of fear. I know that he is OK. I think I’ll have a coffee.

As I listen to the coffee machine gurgle I find myself begin to question, how can you possibly be calm? Do you think you’re just in denial? Is it possible that your son is actually dead? (For some reason I didn’t think hurt, jumped right to dead).

And then my mind went to, well if he is dead what would happen?

I “saw” his dad & I flying to Japan and meeting with the Japanese family that he has married into. Then what ? My son is only 39 years old, we have never talked about what he might like to happen if he died.

I knew that his wife & daughters would be fine surrounded by their family in Japan. What would my son want ? Oh Yes. He would want to be cremated and part of his ashes scattered on a ski mountain in northern Japan and part on a ski mountain in northern Canada. Yes that feels right.

And the next moment I realized that this whole “scene” had been played out somewhere (Thank You Joe Rumbolo for your talk on living simultaneously in several dimensions), and I needed “that scene” to play out before I got on with the next step in this dimension which was emailing my son and asking simply “You guys Ok?”

As I pressed Send, I accepted that it could be some time before I got a response. That’s Ok.

Less than a minute later the response came “We’re OK”

What about my present refusal to accept that finding a job will be as hard as other people are saying it will be?

It is a mirror, for you to see how people believing that the universe is unfriendly, tends to make it so for them.

That is why you were given the experience of finding the Group Home job.

So that you could remember that when you are clear and focused on your Intent, then it happens. At the time that you received that job, you had a Belief that it would happen, and it did.

However at that time you were still operating intellectually, you were not in touch with your emotions.

Now that you are getting in touch with your emotions, you are finding things a bit more confusing because your fears are surfacing.

So what do I do now?

Now you feel your feelings. Feel your fear. Feel your sadness. Allow each feeling. Tell each feeling that it is OK for it to be there.

We will help you with this. We have been waiting a long time for you to get in touch with your feelings.

All of you,

now that you can see the Finish Line,

want to cross that line and bask in the glory.

That will come.

There’s just a bit more work to be done before the basking.

It’s actually harder now that the Finish Line is in sight.

Do not go backwards.

Remember that you are never alone,

that you are loved,

and that you will be cared for.

Is cared for the same as provided for?

You will provide for yourself with our assistance.

And who are you who will be assisting me?

We are your Angelic Team,

those who have known you in other lifetimes

and in other Realities.

We come here now to assist you

as you take this very important next step,

important both in your own development

and in the development of Humanity.

We Thank You for your Agreement to take this step

and for the courage that you show by doing so.

We have All of Us

awaited and hoped for this next step for eons of time.

And we are grateful and excited that it has now arrived.

It is like a Birth.

The gestation period has been long

and at times arduous.

At times we wondered if Indeed

there would ever Be Completion and Fruition.

Now the time is upon us.

I always thought there was another way

Though I tried to do what I heard you say

Walk don’t run and be quiet please

Act like a lady and always be nice

Follow this year’s fashion and learn to conform.

Mind your manners and don’t complain

Life was meant to be difficult, don’t be vain

Thinking you deserve a different lot

Than all of the others you see each day

It’s best to learn to live life their way.

But why I asked is everyone so glum

What would be wrong with a little fun

What if we laughed and played as we worked

What if we said oh you believe that, funny I believe this.

If we’re honest and kind we’ll be ok

I always thought there was another way

A way that allows us all to just be

You to be you and me to be me

Side by side we would face each new day

I always thought there was another way.

on the small island where i live it is common for people to have roadside stands at the end of their driveway. stands where they sell surplus fruit & veggies from their garden.

today i discovered a stand selling roses.

which is a treat not only because it’s difficult to keep the deer from eating the roses.

but also a treat because these were those old roses that are ever so fragrant.

the stand sign said $5 for the roses and please don’t take the glass jar (the stands are on the honor system which is also lovely to experience).

a look in my wallet showed i didn’t have $5. smallest bill was a $10.

hmm what to do.

because i really wanted the deep crimson ones that were really, really fragrant.

then i noticed one empty jar so looked for the $5 for the roses that been removed.

no $s in sight. which may have meant that someone helped themselves or more likely that someone also didn’t have $5 and intended to drop the $5 another time.

which i also considered doing but didn’t feel 100% right about 2 of us doing it the same day.

then i thought well do a version of pay it forward. you have $10. that’s the price of the 2 missing bunches. when the owner makes the trek down the driveway all will be well. 

and here’s the weird part.

as i reached into my wallet to take out the $10 suddenly the bills felt unreal. like monopoly money.

and i truly got how it’s all a game!

the money isn’t “real”. o

I have started visitations from dead people i have known.

it started in the fall with a visitation from a friend’s hubby (3 days after he had died) saying he was scared and could i help him.

i asked if he could see a path. (something i had read about dreamwalking the dead).

can’t remember his answer but i remember i said i would help as long as i could keep one foot on the ground. so i braced one foot against the side of a cliff and reached up my hand to give him a boost and said words to the effect of . off you go.

then at xmas time i was trying to ignite the fire with embers from the night before. i had the thought to put on one piece of kindling then debated and tossed it on against my “better judgement”.

at which point my deceased father showed up to say “i see you’ve decided to adopt the ways of your mother’s people” (my dad had always felt that my mother’s lineage went back to a local native band).

and just recently i had a visitation from the deceased parents of my ex-hubby. the dad asking me to pass on a message to his son my ex.

new experiences for me.

i’ve long been aware of coming from “out there” to “in here” as i wake. 

and i have consciously lengthened the time i take coming from one to the other.

this morning i was also aware of an “in between”.

and that “in between” was i guess a version of the near earth realms because i felt a fear thought incoming, asked do i want to feel this, no.

so i moved past it.

then i felt confused energy and i thought oh shit is it going to be one of those “feel weird and a bit off” days.

it took longer to pull myself out of that energy than to skip past the fear thought but eventually i pulled out of it.

i was sitting on my gravel patio thinking hmmm quite a few weeds are taking root guess i’ll need to pull a few.

then i noticed that some of the weeds are wildflowers not sure what they’re called but they have a nice silvery gray leaf cluster base and produce a tall pink blossom. and about 7 or 8 of them were in a perfectly straight line about 2 inches in from the edge of the patio.

so i thought i’ll leave those and let them flower. they’ll be cute.

then i noticed that on the other side of the concrete patio edge little yellow blooms were peeking over. they were also a wildflower weed i think called broom. and they were perfectly aligned with the to-be-pink plants. and i thought oh wow. i’ll have a pink & yellow hedge along 7 or 8 feet of my patio border. what fun.

well today i was sitting on the patio and thought something’s different. hmmm.

then i noticed the yellow bloom plants were missing. i know some people consider them evil weeds that spread like crazy but really this is bush country. no one has a cultivated garden. 

a friend suggested maybe the deer ate them.

just looked over the railing at where the largest broom plant used to be. there’s a hole so it was uprooted and carried off. i’m suspecting by a human dear.

it’s amazing how quickly things pass at the moment.

i spent a few hours being disappointed & pissed.

then moved on to questioning whether or not i would just can the whole project and also remove the pink plants because i will have tons of them on the other side of the railing. it was the combo of the pink & yellow that i had envisioned.

haven’t decided 100% but that’s a strong possibility.

During my newfound “thinking time” my daughter graduated from university and I thought of the parents of a friend of my daughter, who many times during my years as a single parent, had taken my daughter to their summer place for much of her school summer holidays.

Only now was I realizing what a major factor that had been in both my life and my daughter’s life. I sat down and wrote a Thank You letter to these friends.

That one Thank You letter led me to remember many other people who had gone out of their way to help my children and I.

It also led me to the realization that for many years I had been so focused on the people who had not helped me, that I had not fully appreciated the many people who had helped me.

Then the questions started.

Had my life in fact been rather easy and I had been an ungrateful complainer?

Would I come to realize that I had been responsible for missing joy and happiness that I could have had?

My reading of Self Help and Personal Growth books evolved into me reading books about Spirituality. This led me to deeper thinking and also to some confusion about what appeared to be discrepancies.

On the one hand during my Practicum for the Group Home job, I had spent time at each of the three houses that the Agency operated.

I had then “decided on” the house I wanted and I had gotten a position at that house.

So weren’t these Spiritual books saying that meant I had been putting out my Intention and seeing it manifest?

So how come I wasn’t still at that job?

On the other hand, I remembered the time that I had looked at the yellow and green tile counter top in my kitchen and knew that it had to go.

Having neither a plan nor a budget, I just started the dismantling.

Then one of my Real Estate clients was moving from a house that had been bought by a developer and the client’s house was to be destroyed.

The updated kitchen cabinets from the client’s house had fitted into my kitchen like they had been custom made.