i’ve always been afraid of grief, afraid that if i let myself cry, i wouldn’t be able to stop crying.
i dredged up a memory of being 3 years old and witnessing my parents dealing with the situation, where a friend of my father had drowned when the 2 men were fishing.
i remember my parents, neighbors and the police, standing in the kitchen of our farmhouse, dealing with practical issues/logistics, like who to contact,
while the wife of the drowned man, sat alone in the next room wailing, with her son in her lap.
it caused confusion in me.
Because my survival depended on family loyalty, it made me fearful of emotions.
that’s where i learned to fear grief.
oh-we-should-have-told-you 