In the bath I had the realization that things that are meant for me are and have been looking for me. I cried a little thinking but if they’ve been looking for me why have I felt so alone? Why didn’t I know that they were looking for me? I heard it was a timing thing. Then I explored how do I feel now that I know that these things are looking for me just as I have been looking for them? I felt maybe more sadness than relief, even though I know that if I’m looking for them and they’re looking for me, it is inevitable that we find each other.
I’m beginning to see that when I felt like I was on a treadmill and needing to give Notice at work, I followed my heart and gave Notice. I later extended that Notice to prevent a colleague from getting a tough account which led to me getting an offer of part time work. One year later I felt to not go to a seminar, and it turned out that the seminar was not compulsory. All is well always, it is impossible for us to fail, so we should choose what we want most.
I have left jobs before for extended periods of time hoping to find my “passion” only to always return to jobs that “pay the bills”– so I have a memory of failure. One day I thought how previously, I had tended to stay focused on work until I quit and then once I was unemployed, I would start focusing on my unemployed state with its associated pressures and fears. This time I thought, why don’t you fast-forward this movie you’ve been to before and pretend that you’re already unemployed. That way you can experience the pressures and the fears while you also have the luxury and comfort of a pay check. And you know, it worked. For 24 hours I was in absolute terror. Thank You to the part of me that during this time, reminded me of previous times of turmoil when I have survived.