I learned that two of my colleagues had given Notice to leave the job. I anticipated a “we’d like you to take on more accounts” talk with the VP in the next few days. I did not want to take on more accounts but I wondered why I was dreading the discussion that I sensed would be necessary for me to achieve this.
Up came the memory of a Journey from my Native American Teachings classes: I heard “there’s more that you’re not telling”. I felt that there was something that I was refusing to admit that I knew, maybe even something that I wasn’t supposed to know and that some authority figure wanted me to tell or to admit. I was afraid that I might divulge this information.
As I asked myself what I thought this could be about, I felt pressure in my throat, which tightened until I felt like I was being “choked”. Asking myself who would be choking me, I had a vision of a “hanging knot” around my throat. There was a 6-8 inch extension of rope beyond the knot though I didn’t have a sense that the knot was attached to anything.
Then I had a sense of asking myself do you think you’ve been hanged? I answered that yes, I think so. At this point my neck got really tight. I sensed both because the rope got tighter and because I got very afraid. I asked myself if I could release my fear of death. I was able to answer yes and the pressure on my neck decreased.
Next I sensed sadness, thinking of loved ones who would be grieving my death. I asked, can I release this sadness? After a brief time, I was able to answer yes. Then I asked about the people who were instrumental in me being hanged – could I forgive them? I answered yes. All of these answers came quite quickly.
Suddenly there came a quite loud question of “why are you being hanged”? I didn’t come up with a definite answer. I heard “did you do something to bring this upon yourself”? Still no answer, but I think a growing sense that I wasn’t totally innocent. Then I heard “do you feel guilty, are you sorry for what you have done”? The guilt was heavy, thick and cold and didn’t release. So maybe my dread of the anticipated talk with the VP has to do with a memory of having to speak to an authority figure.
I had rather forgotten about the whole issue of a possible talk with the VP as my son was visiting and we were doing family stuff. My son left one morning and that evening I remembered the work thing and I thought, “Hey, I must have escaped that ordeal”. Not so! The next morning I got the “I need to see you for a few minutes” email from the VP.
Since the request was by email, I decided to take a smoke break before I responded. I was amazed at the feelings that came up during this smoke break. I don’t want to do more accounts. Well, maybe I could do this much more. Maybe I could trade one of my smaller accounts for a larger one, etc. Etc. I even saw myself start the tape that said, “don’t you dare change things, I want things to stay just the way they are, until I have manifested what I really want”. And then I remembered, that I had been seeing my job as temporary and wondering why “what I really want” had not been manifesting. Aha! – “what I really want” has not been manifesting because I have been holding onto “things staying just the way they are until….”
This Aha threw me into total confusion. I can’t remember the last time I was so unbalanced. But Someone accompanied me to that talk because I ended up with things staying the same. And not by my own doing. I wasn’t capable of negotiating. At one point I even said to the VP, “I don’t even know what I want”. So, maybe the “good news” from this is that we are somehow “protected” and almost can’t screw up.