I am a novice computer user – albeit an adventurous one. One morning as I was trying to unfreeze my computer, I found this thing that said “Defragment”. Sensing that this would help, I started it up. I watched a little nervously as the program started. I may be adventurous – but not totally without fear.
A few minutes into the defragment, I realized that I was feeling an “energy exchange” with the computer, like we were going through something together – something that felt like a “birth”. Part of me wanted to go and have my morning salt bath while another part felt that I would like to stay with my computer / friend who was going through this “birth”.
After a few more minutes, I felt that it was appropriate for me to leave my computer / friend to defrag while I had my bath. When I returned to my computer / friend, she was still defragging. I sat with “her” and tears came to my eyes – this is big for me as tears do not easily come to my eyes. I watched “her” process in fascination of “Oh look how one part seems to go ahead to clear the way for the part that is following.”
And each time the program went back to pick up a little piece that seemed to have been flagged and left behind, more tears came to my eyes. I thought that’s like what I seem to be doing. Each time I have some new learning, it’s like I go back and heal little pieces from my past that were wounded because I didn’t have the necessary learning at the time.
I discovered that “would-be thieves” had been in my car but had been unable to steal it. I was grateful that the car hadn’t been stolen, grateful that the car would still start despite the gearbox having been tampered with and grateful that the registration papers had been left on the floor of the car.
But I was in shock at the condition of the car’s interior and amazed at how much this affected me. Emotional reactions that started with how could I have been so Trusting and so Foolish as to leave my garage unlocked (though my car had been safe for 18 months in this unlocked garage). Then came guilt, as my car has served me well since I bought it several years earlier and it has been with me essentially through my whole Spiritual Journey. In fact it has in many ways been The Constant through my Journey. And during a few times of precarious financial choices, I had promised myself that I would not jeopardize losing it.
What to do next? The car’s interior now felt to be “below the standard” of what I was allowing myself to believe that I deserved. I have not been very conscientious about cleaning the car’s interior over the years and I have smoked in it, so this vandalism damage really tipped the scales. And I was “responsible” for the car now being in this condition, I was the one who had left the garage unlocked. I fluctuated, should I investigate getting a new car at a time when I was unemployed? Would I even be able to buy a new car at this time?
One day I got the Knowing that I could drive to the GM dealer and arrange for a new car lease or purchase. That seemed to release my fear that maybe purchasing another car was not an option at this time. The next day my environmentalist side kicked in with: but the exterior of your car is fine, doesn’t even look like an older car. So why would you consider replacing it?
I decided to go slowly, get the interior fixed, see how it looked and then decide. When I went to pick up my car after the repair, there it was sitting sparkling in the sunshine. “You’ve washed my car!” I exclaimed. “Yep, inside and out”, said the man. And sure enough they had even shampooed the interior. I couldn’t believe how excited I was to have my car back.